You've Got a Friend in Me

The opening sequence of the Disney Pixar classic Toy Story shows Andy spending beautiful quality time with his BFF (Best Friend Forever) Woody. This is seriously cute when it's in a movie - but to run the risk of insulting one of the best movies in history - if your child's best friend is an inanimate object, you should probably have cause for concern. Humans were made to connect with one another!

If your child/ren have a hard time with appropriate social interactions, it will more than likely break your heart to see them isolated. Very few people can live a full life without the solid, consistent companionship of others. I have heard it said that some people with Asperger's Syndrome/High Functioning Autism want nothing more than to jump right into a life of social connection, but they have no idea how to match their desires with their actions. Often times, kids with HFA are so far ahead of their peers intellectually that they find "kid things" really boring ways of passing the time. There are hidden social rules that they are oblivious to - and suddenly all of their smarts count for nothing.

Personally, I feel as though it is worse to organize play dates with your children's peers if the other child doesn't want to be your kid's friend. I have seen typically developing kids protest about going to their ASD "friend's" house - in plain view of the socially-challenged child. Let's get real here: Your child might not be very good company to his/her peers, and this is something you may need to accept in order for things to get better. Looking at it through rose-colored glasses won't fix the problem. Your job as that child's parent/carer/support network is to feed them the skills that will ultimately help them to alter their behaviors to be more conducive to friendship. To be honest, my philosophy in life is that we don't have to be everyone's friend. I do expect people to be respectful, though. If one kid doesn't want a play date, another one will. Keep trying.

The biggest roadblock for some kids are their obscure fixations. If your child is stuck on one thing that is overly technical, adult or outdated - they will probably find it hard to have fun playing with peers. Every parent is different when it comes to TV, but I have seen some real advances in socially-challenged kids when they began to watch the shows that other kids were watching. Suddenly they have the keys to a world where they know who Perry the Platypus is - and for some children, that is the enough to get them invited to a birthday party. That genuine childhood connection is worth more than a parentally planned play date any day.

Does your child have ball skills? For most little boys (and some girls), knowing what to do with ball is a HUGE key to social acceptance. Sometimes kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders will have problems with their co-ordination/vestibular/proprioceptive senses and that creates issues with balance and body awareness. Basically, it is likely your ASD kid will have a hard time with knowing where his/her body is in space and because he/she is probably quite accustomed to being told they are very good at academic activities, will not be inclined to doing things they 'suck' at.

You can help them in two ways: 
(1) Encourage them to hang out with an adult who can teach them 1:1 a crash course in a few ball sports. Practice breeds confidence. Don't just throw them in a team sport without some kind of preparation - this will make things way worse. Believe me: you don't appreciate doing things you have no idea about, nor do they.
(2) Make your "failures" public with your child. Obviously within age-appropriate reason, share with your child when you have done something that hasn't worked and how you recovered from it. Be an open book - especially with epic social failures. Let your child know that they are not alone.

While doing everything you can to encourage appropriate human social skills, we have seen children with social challenges flourish with animal companions. Dogs in particular prove to be the most faithful of friends, with no expectation of verbal reciprocity. Kids with anxiety can relax in the company of a furry friend, and experience the unconditional love (and warmth) of unbridled doggie affection. Dogs aren't always perfectly behaved and their behaviors can be used as lessons to parallel the work you are doing teaching appropriate social skills.

At Kahlon Family Services, we offer groups in the San Francisco Bay Area to children of all ages who struggle with social skills. We also have staff members who take kids into the community for 1:1 direct work on social learning. We have found that explaining life to your child as it happens is the most effective way for them to know what is going on.

We have also found that Mr Rogers set a great example by telling kids that he likes them as they are. Try telling your kids that every day - no amount of encouragement is ever wasted upon a child.

Ian's Paradise

"The idea for Ian's Paradise came from a conversation with my 8 year old son, Ian.  I asked him what he thought of when he thought of being calm, completely at peace, trusting the world and all the people in it.  Without hesitating, he said, "Ian's Paradise.""

- Melissa, Mom of Ian (8) 

In this post, we chat to Melissa and her son Ian about their new business,  Ian's Paradise. Check out their website for more details!

Tell us a bit about how you decided to start your business.


Melissa: We had made lap pillows for Ian almost a year ago when Vanessa suggested it may help him. She had been impressed with the pillows that we made and suggested that we make them for other people. At the time it seemed outside reality and I didn't take it seriously. Then, a few months ago, Ian and I were talking about how to make extra money - I an wanted an electric train set and I wanted a new planter box. I asked Ian if he would like to make pillows to get the money we wanted. He brightened, said yes, and off we went!

How have sensory sensitivities impacted Ian's life, and your family life as a whole?

Ian: The sound sensitivity is wearing off - at the fireworks I even had my headphones off this time. In class, sometimes I do go and get headphones. Sometimes I bellow, "Silence!", but I am learning how to make a different choice. Sometimes, very rarely, I ask for a break. Sometimes I still use my (noise-canceling) headphones in class when my "people sensitivity" is up.
Melissa: When we are out & about, if things get crazy, as a family we find a quiet place to sit down and make good choices. Over the years, his sensitivities have gotten better because of a combination of Occupational Therapy, specialized yoga (YEAS) and Vital Sounds Therapeutic Listening program. We don't have to avoid large crowds anymore - but we now know more about what "revs" and calms his engine. Vanessa has shown us how deep pressure works, and when she first squished him with a pillow, he instantly calmed down and tension immediately broke. He likes the pressure, and now asks for us to "moosh" him whenever he needs it.

How do the pillows work?


Ian: They help calm me. I put them on my lap. They feel good and comfortable.
Melissa: One day we were being silly and put 4 pillows on Ian - on his legs, body and one on his face. I was struck by how much he liked it, and we put some photos up on the website of him covered in pillows.

Who are they for?


Ian: Customers.
Melissa: They will help anyone who has vestibular & proprioceptive sensory challenges. I am not a professional - but from experience - I have seen how much weighted items help people who don't even have sensitivities. If someone comes over and sees one of the pillows in our living room, they instinctively pick them up and put them on their body. I am not even sure that they are aware of what they are doing, or the sensation that they are creating - I simply see that most people really like having pressure applied to their bodies.

Explain your partnership with Kahlon Family Services & YEAS.


Ian: We make the pillows, Vanessa uses them.
Melissa: Vanessa knew that there was a demand for affordable sensory integration props. Now that we are in the flow of making them, we are selling them online. Vanessa also takes a few to her YEAS (Yoga Education for Autism Spectrum) training sessions and lets people have personal experience with how they work. The eye pillow is included in the YEAS program backpacks that are sold online and through Kahlon Family Services. If people want to order any of the other pillows, they are all available online at our website www.iansparadise.com

Being Proud of Difference

"A few years ago, I was on the bus in London with my 7 year old son who has Asperger's. He was standing up announcing each stop to the passengers, who were looking at him like he was from another planet. Up until this point, strangers had always found my son's quirks endearing. People would laugh with him, not at him. He would make people's day with his antics, and those who were sad would walk away happier from an encounter with him. But in this moment, nobody found it cute. I tried to put it down to cultural differences - maybe Americans just had a better sense of humor than the British? Maybe this was a tough crowd? But as time went on... it happened more and more. At 10 years old, people are now finding him weird. People look at him and see what appears to be a typically developing boy, and judge him accordingly. But my son has never been "typically developing"- his syndrome is invisible, yet his differences are not." 

This Mom's quote is a snapshot into the lives of many families whose children are different. Part of what we do at Kahlon Family Services is take kids into the community and help teach them the social skills required to live life in their local context. We'll admit - sometimes it can be uncomfortable to have Asperger's kids out and about because you never quite know what is going to happen next - sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's just plain awkward. The beauty of being part of their evolving social behavior is that we get to see rapid, measurable life skills emerge on a daily basis. 


We believe that social skilling should be done in a natural setting, and not in a condescending way. As parents and carers, it would be ridiculous for us to believe that we are always the teacher and kids are always the student. We can discover so much about life through the eyes of a child who doesn't fit in. The key is striking a balance between giving the child keys to appropriate social behaviors, while encouraging him/her to be themselves. Everyone is different; everyone should have a right to express their individuality. Our job is to steer that expression towards behavior that is conducive to forming consistent friendships, mutual/back-and-forth conversational skills and generally positive social interactions. 


Families who have one or more children with developmental delays don't need to be ashamed of their child's quirky public behavior. Use it to your advantage! You may not even know what your child doesn't know until they do something awkward: These are teachable moments! Once, we were out at Starbucks with a child and realized we were short one chair for our table. When we asked our 10 year old client to go and find a chair, we had no idea that he didn't know the social rules behind the task. Most people naturally ask the person sitting at the table if there is somebody sitting at at empty chair before we take it. But not this kid! He walked up to a man waiting for a date, and took the seat from opposite him. The man watched the situation unfold, and seeing as though the seat-stealer was a child, he got up and replaced the chair with one that nobody was occupying. 


Were we mad at the child for this inconsiderate social choice? Not at all. Put yourself in his shoes: A man is sitting across from an empty seat and staring at his cell phone. Imagine now, that you have no concept of the meaning of non-verbal behaviors. The seat is empty, why not take it? That day, he learned that checking in with people before taking the chair is a better way to go about acquiring extra cafe furniture. This is one of millions of life-skills that typically developing people take for granted. 


Your child may put a lot of effort into keeping things together socially during the day. It is common for Asperger's kids to have evening meltdowns about things that may seem insignificant to everyone else. It is likely that the kid who is screaming about not wanting to have a shower has just been pushed over the edge, and they are unleashing the inner pressure on their nearest and dearest. It may have very little to do with the shower, and a lot to do with trying to navigate social situations at school. Taking the time to teach your kids how to read social situations can greatly reduce these anxiety-related meltdowns and prepare him for more meaningful connections. On the flip side, giving down time at home to be engrossed in his fixations, sing loudly and be as quirky as he wants to be (within the safety of people who understand this is part of who he is) will help him realize that you love him for who he is. 


I have had many bus rides, coffee dates, playground adventures and beach days with kids whose behavior has seemed weird to everyone else. Sometimes these are the very moments these children are displaying huge social milestones, which are invisible to the eyes of onlookers. Be proud of who they are, ignore unproductive judgements and remember that you are this child's #1 fan.