Back to School

It's back to school time!

For parents, this can be kind of exciting - let's be honest.  For kids, this can be really a really nerve-wracking time. If you rewind back to when you were a kid you might have loved the whole back-to-school thing, but when a child struggles socially, school can be terrifying. You might wonder why your son or daughter seems to be biting their nails more, crying about seemingly small things and having trouble self-regulating - they might just be freaking out about school.

As a parent, here are some things you can do to help alleviate the stress:

(1) Make a calendar
You don't need to make anything fancy - just make it clear, and make it with your child. Grab a blank piece of paper and a sharpie and map out the days leading up to school's return. Mark in any events, appointments or activities that you know will be happening up until school's return. It might be a good idea to write in how many 'sleeps' until the big day. Post the calendar in a place where your child can see it, and cross off the days as they happen.

(2) Drive by the school 
A couple of days prior to school's return, it can be helpful to take a walk or drive past school - especially if it is your child's first day at that particular campus. Point out the place where you will be dropping off/picking up your child. If he/she is returning to the same school, talk about some good memories your child has from that school. Create some positive feelings toward school, where possible. Do it for a few days in a row if you can.

(3) Get a schedule from the teacher 
If possible, email your child's teacher for the weekly schedule of the class. Sit down with your child and show them how the week is going to look. You might just discover the subjects or activities that stress your child out the most. Some kids love free play/recess, for other kids, this is the most stressful part of their day. Kids with social differences often hold structure very close to their heart.

(4) Role Play 
Most kids learn to 'join in' when they are very young. They may ask what the other kids are doing, and whether or not they can play too. Some kids just don't pick up on those kinds of social cues and they need reminders. 'Joining in' changes with time - teach your kids age appropriate strategies for assertively including themselves via role play. If your child is older elementary or beginning middle school, help them out with exposing them to pop-culture that other kids will be talking about. Teach them ball skills to join in with sports. Help your child look their age by dressing them in fashionable clothing and cool hairstyles. If your child already has differences, help them blend in as much as possible on the fashion front.

Good luck! All the best from us to your kids!

Calm Down!

So, we have it on good authority that mercury is now out of retrograde. This means everyone should just calm the heck down, right? (OK. Good, thank you.) Now that the mercury issue is settled, let's talk about some other non-planetary methods of calming ourselves.

Life is stressful in general, even before you add children into the mix. Whether your kids are typically developing or not, as a grown-up human being it is important to develop a tool kit of responses to situations that raise the anxiety level up a few notches.

We thought we'd share with you a couple:

(1) Breathe!
This is the most cliche, obvious thing anyone could ever say to you. But have you ever truly paid attention to your breath before? I have noticed that my knee-jerk response to stress is a deep breath. Sometimes I am not even aware that I am feeling overwhelmed, then I do this deep, labored breath and it reminds me to slow down and take care of myself. Other times, I feel myself entering the crazy zone and I consciously stop and breathe deeply. A friend of mine once said that apparently if you breathe according to the beats of your heart you can never feel anxious. This is good advice except for the part where my inner musician wants to clarify how many bpm (beats per minute) the breath needs to be. I tried 4 heart beats in, 4 out and it seemed OK. We just met and this is crazy, but give it a try, maybe?

(2) Go Outside!
It is not particularly realistic for me to suggest that y'all go kayaking or scale a mountain when you feel stressed out. Did you know that the sun can make you feel happier? All that vitamin D goodness feeds the soul. Staying inside too much can start to choke your senses. If you can grab a few minutes of sun and fresh air every day, with or without kids in tow, you may just remember that things will get better eventually. Better still, get some exercise! Some families enjoy riding their bikes at the park, others enjoy shooting hoops or swimming. Find your family's niche and model an active lifestyle to your kids. They'll thank you for it later.

(3) "Listening Song"
I started using the "Listening Song" technique in the car as a non-punitive method of calming down when things got stressful in the car. One of my boy's stims was singing. He would sing constantly, and this would annoy his brother. They both have low frustration tolerance and sensory processing issues - next minute, all hell would break loose in the back seat of the car. Rather than have them screaming bloody murder while we cruise down the highway, I told them that we needed one WHOLE song where nobody was singing or talking - just listening. It was useful for everyone to get what they wanted, and for everyone to take a minute to be still. I also use the "Listening Song" after any car meltdown to give myself a moment before saying things to the kids out of anger, that I would later regret.

(4) Rescue Remedy!
These products (pictured above) are natural chill-out concoctions. Do they work? Yes. I was skeptical at first, then one day my friend and I put too much in our water... and we were giggling like middle school girls. I don't recommend the foolish misuse of the product (as mentioned by my foolish self) - always read the label! The product isn't chemical or addictive, and it doesn't make you sleepy like valerian. There are specific kids products by RR, so again, always read the label.

(5) Teach your kids self-regulation techniques!

BUBBLE BREATHS: Take a deep breath in, and raise your arms like a round bubble inflating. Exhale and slowly deflate the 'bubble'. This is perfect for those times you're in public and your child melts down and you need a way of stepping aside and calming him/her down.

DEEP PRESSURE: There are many ways to apply deep pressure to an anxious child, and you don't need to be an Occupational Therapist to perform them.

The first way is: A BEAR HUG! In the heat of the moment, you might not want to bear hug a kid with sensory sensitivities - they may hate it. But, as a preventative measure you need absolutely no reason to grab your child and hug him/her tight. This sensory input will remind your child where their body is in space, and subsequently calm them down.

When you see their engine revving up, grab your child's hand and sandwich it between yours - these are called HAND SQUEEZES. Most kids find this funny, and they like the input.

You can even grab some pillows/cushions and use your weight to (safely) squish your kid to the floor or couch for PILLOW SQUISHES. Sometimes I play this game with my SPD 6y.o. where he covers himself with a couch pillow and I "sit on the couch" and act like I don't know where he is. When he giggles, I take the pillow off of him and discover why the furniture is laughing. He thinks it is so funny, and it calms his system down so much.

{ALWAYS make sure your child can handle the amount of pressure you are giving them. If they can't breathe, or they say "OUCH" - then it is just about the worst game ever. Just be safe, people!}

Finding Babysitters

Do, a deer a female deer. Re, this babysitter does not exisssstttttt.....

If you are reading this blog, chances are, your child has some difficult behaviors. Let's be honest - all kids behave in a crazy fashion at times - but we're going to hazard a guess that yours may go the extra mile. A huge part of successful parenting comes from parents being able to take breaks away from their kids. Whether you can get away for an hour to do grocery shopping alone, have a date night with your spouse or maybe go away for the weekend (kid-free) - all parents need some time out from wearing their MOM or DAD hat.

The problem with being a parent of a special needs kid is that it can be difficult to find someone to look after them. We have seen some families go from babysitter to babysitter on a weekly basis, on a quest to find someone who can handle their children. We have seen kids act out simply because they know that their challenging behaviors cause a change in babysitter. If your child gets what they want by melting down, then their meltdowns have proven to be an effective method of communication (in their opinion) and they will continue to be, until something changes.

So, what are the big problems with the babysitter search?

The perfect babysitter doesn't exist
Sometimes parents have this idea that Mary Poppins or Maria Von Trapp truly exist and are waiting by their computers responding to advertisements on Craigslist. If you're in the market for someone to wave their magic wand over your kids and change them from wild animals to well-behaved upright citizens without you having to do so much as lift a finger... then... you are going to be waiting a while. You are the parent. It is your job to parent your kids - your babysitter's job is to keep them safely entertained while you take a break or go to work. There is no shame in needing help with the "wild-to-upright" transformation. There are services available, and we are certainly one of them. But the big disclaimer here is: It takes effort.

A cheap babysitter is not necessarily a good idea
If you buy a pair of shoes for $10 and they wear out in a month, you can hardly be upset. You got what you paid for. If you pay your babysitter peanuts, and she loses your kids or they start saying the 'F' word the next day - then you might want to (a) Never use her services again & (b) Value your kids enough to pay your babysitters well. I am not saying that you need to be rich to afford a babysitter - I am implying that if you don't pay your babysitter enough, s/he may not place much value on her time with your kids and therefore not do her best. In my younger years, I was a pro babysitter but I was shy about money. Once, I was left alone with 9 kids aged 18 months to 5 years while their collective parents went out for a wedding reception. One was a (relatively healthy 6 month old) premature infant, one was recently adopted, one was just learning to walk and a few were mischievous brothers.  I was 19 and I was paid $10 an hour. Do you think I would ever do that, ever again? Do you think those kids got A+ quality care? Not so much. If you are struggling financially, maybe try adding some perks to the babysitting gig - dinner, Netflix, WiFi and candy are all good reasons for a babysitter to return.

It is possible to over communicate
Some people with special needs kids feel the need to over-explain their children's quirks to the babysitter. This probably will freak the babysitter out. He or she will probably not sleep before arriving at your house - if they do at all. If you overcommunicate, the babysitter may request to be paid an exorbitant amount of money. We recommend that you explain enough to your babysitter so that they know what to expect, but don't give them a rundown of the child's entire emotional rollercoaster of the past week - especially the part where they ran away at the coffee shop, attacked the wall with a cheese grater, cussed at the supermarket cashier or gave bruises to their last babysitter.

It is possible to under communicate
More than likely, parents with special needs will undercommunicate to babysitters. If you do not warn your babysitter about the child's sensory sensitivities, s/he might decide that going to the movies is fun or that vacuuming while they watch TV is a harmless sport. If you don't warn your babysitter that your son hates cheese so much that if he even sees it he will freak out, she might decide to take them for a trip to the pizza parlor. If you don't warn your babysitter doesn't know that transitions are really difficult for your daughter, s/he might have no idea why suddenly turning the TV off and saying, "Bedtime!" is an unforgivable, meltdown-tastic mess. Armed with a few incentives and some tricks up her sleeve, your babysitter will be much more able to bare the tantrums and maybe even curb some of them.

Realistic expectations
If you have trouble getting your child down for a nap, probably don't insist that your babysitter be able to do it. By all means, it is worth a try, but the pressure of making it work may be too much for the babysitter and child. The worst babysitting moment I ever had was when a child's parent said that the nap was a necessity, then the child released his inner beast (hands, fists, fingernails and teeth were employed in the refusal of this nap) at the very mention of the N word (N-A-P). If your child only eats chicken nuggets and you leave the babysitter with a salad to feed the kid - you are being really mean to everyone involved. Where possible, make it easy for your babysitter to return. If your goal is to go out of the occasional date night, then it really doesn't matter if your child goes to bed without brushing his teeth. As long as it doesn't set a ridiculous precedent of substandard dental hygiene, you should do what you can to keep the babysitter happy and keep the kids happy with her.