The Ugliness of Good & Bad

Why are people so caught up on the usage of the words GOOD & BAD? 

Does it seem a bit too philosophical for you? 

Never mind that! We will explain it clearly. Let's just take a look at some definitions first. 

bad

¹    [bad]  Show IPA adjective, worse, worst; ( Slang )bad·der, bad·dest for 36; noun; adverb

adjective

1.

not good in any manner or degree.

2.

having a wicked or evil character; morally reprehensible: There is no such thing asa bad boy.

3.

of poor or inferior quality; defective; deficient: a bad diamond; a bad spark plug.

4.

inadequate or below standard; not satisfactory for use: bad heating; Livingconditions in some areas are very bad.

5.

inaccurate, incorrect, or faulty: a bad guess.

good

   [good]  Show IPA adjective, bet·ter, best, noun,interjection, adverb

adjective

1.

morally excellent; virtuous; righteous; pious: a good man.

2.

satisfactory in quality, quantity, or degree: a good teacher; good health.

3.

of high quality; excellent.

4.

right; proper; fit: It is good that you are here. His credentials are good.

5.

well-behaved: a good child.

When you call a child "good" or "bad" you are inadvertently building up or tearing down their formative opinion of themselves. "Good" and "bad" are arbitrary labels given to behaviors that occur at a moment in time, but often used as a blanket statement to describe a whole person. Truth be told, we all possess some good & bad, yet we know in our hearts that most of the time we are doing the best we can do with what we have been given.

Scenario #1: You go out and leave your child with another new babysitter. You know he isn't the easiest kid to babysit, and you are aware that without firm boundaries he may act out. As expected, your child throws a fit as you walk out the door. Then he calms down and makes cupcakes with the babysitter. He uses manners, talks about others kindly during the task and enjoys baking. The child refuses to help clean the kitchen, so the babysitter cleans while the child watches TV. The child and the babysitter spend an hour mutually enjoying playing with toys. The child refuses to pack up his/her toys when the babysitter asks. The child acts out, throws a fit which escalates to knocking over furniture and slamming doors. The babysitter can't handle the behavior so she calls you to let you know that the situation isn't working out.

Is this child "bad"?
Was he not "good" in any manner or degree? Did he possess wicked or evil character? Was he defective or faulty?
Sure, this wasn't great behavior - but how was it handled by the adult in the situation? In my opinion, he wasn't set up for success by the adults in his life - then if you called him "bad" for failing to perform at a higher standard it would seem to me a little unfair.

Scenario #2: You go out and leave your child with a babysitter. He has had the same babysitter for a year and generally listens to  her instructions. The babysitter assists your child with the transition, and the child happily waves goodbye to you before making cupcakes with the babysitter. After baking, he doesn't want to help clean up. The babysitter acknowledges that cleaning up isn't fun but it is part of life, then gives him a specific kitchen task. Once he is finished his part of the cleaning up process, he watches TV. The babysitter and child spend 45 minutes playing with toys before she gives him warnings that they will need to pack up soon. She sets an alarm for him to turn off when it is time to pack up. The babysitter and child pack up together while acting like dogs, in order to make it a fun game. The parents come home to a happy child and clean house.

Is this child "good"?
Was he morally excellent and virtuous? Was he well-behaved of excellent quality?
His behavior was fairly easily modified by the adult who followed through on instructions. He also had an existing bond with this person, and it is likely that his past experiences would indicate that he has built up a memory bank of trust for her boundaries. He knew what to expect, with clear instructions he complied to her will. Is that "good" on his behalf or hers?

So what is wrong with calling your child "good"?
If "good" and "bad" describe behaviors that occur at a moment in time, labeling each action with an identity is about as effective as a yo-yo diet. If you can be "good" one minute, and "bad" the next - can you also be loved one minute and not the next? Do we love our kids more when they do exactly what we ask of them? Does the candle burn a little less bright when they act out?

Here's the thing: Your child's behavior won't get better if you don't take the reigns of the situation. You are the parent - there is no magic wand to change what is happening. Your child loves you so much and depends on you for guidance. Your unconditional love, support & presence will bring change. Describing your child's behavior at times will be necessary - let's try words like; challenging, difficult, upsetting, hurtful, energetic, all-over-the-place, loving, considerate, helpful or focused. Instead of, "Was he good today?" we could try, "How was his day?" Instead of, "He was bad today, so we can't go out for dinner," let's try, "He made some unsafe choices today, so as a consequence we won't be able to go out tonight. Let's try again tomorrow."

What can you change about your behavior to set your child up for success?

Does My Child Need Help with Social Skills?

There comes a point in everybody's life where we are no longer mini versions of our parents, but emerging versions of ourselves. For some people, it happens soon after they're born - others take a little longer. Some people seem to have it easy with good looks, calm personalities and smart brains. Of course, these people often envy the loud party animals with outspoken opinions and fashion as loud as their voices. The grass will always seem greener on the other side.

Nobody seems to ever wish they were a social outcast though.

Social differences can develop into debilitating anxieties about setting foot outside your house. Kids don't choose when to go out and when to stay home, so you may find yours becoming increasingly uncomfortable with life in the outside world if they are not equipped with the skills to cope with the social world around them. In addition to that, it is unfortunate that in this life, not everybody treats others as they wish to be treated. Humans were made to be connected; to live a  life without experiencing the beautiful joys of relationship would be a great tragedy.

HOW DO I KNOW IF MY CHILD IS LACKING IN SOCIAL SKILLS?
* Does your child have consistent friendships?
* Does your child know how to interact with kids they aren't familiar with?
* Is your child aware of how the world works? (i.e. Things cost money, cars run on gas, other people have thoughts)
* Does your child share?
* Does your child handle the situation appropriately when he/she doesn't win a game?
* Is your child aware of how his/her actions make other kids feel?
* Can your child flexibly change the topic of conversation to match what the other child/ren want to talk about?
* Is your child OK with not being the boss?

WHAT DO I DO IF I SAID "NO" TO MOST OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS?
Firstly, it is going to be OK. This is not a reflection of your parenting - some kids just need coaching with social cues that most people pick up naturally. Early intervention is key - so that means you can start right away with helping your child to piece together the puzzle of social life. Some children who lack in social skills will be like quiet mice who cling to their parents or best friend, unable to express their gorgeous insides and beautiful minds because they are afraid. Others are the loudest things you've ever heard - making their demands known to everyone within a mile radius, unfortunately often not stopping to ask how anyone else feels about the situation. Then, there are the kids who just like things that nobody else likes - and that is totally OK. When I was a child I was obsessed with dogs - I would draw them constantly, I would dress our family dogs in costumes, I would take a thousand photos of them, I would brush their teeth, read books to them and paint their nails. I even once made my dog a hat. This fixation spanned from the time I was born... until... OK, it  never really ended. But the purpose of sharing this information is that none of my friends cared about dogs like I did. That didn't cause me to stop loving dogs - but it caused me to curb my enthusiasm enough to be socially present with other childrens' interests. I needed reminders to come back to 'people land' and out of 'dog land'. 'Dog land' is a much easier place to be than 'people land' - but living entirely in 'dog land' will never cause a person to live at their full potential. There is hope - behavior can be modified.

HOW DO WE MAKE CHANGE?
Please remember that we want to encourage social behaviors, not take away your child's individuality. Your child's quirks make him/her they beautiful person they are - a person highly gifted with the ability to think outside the box. Though it has been said that our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness. We need to live with an awareness of 'the box' if we are to think outside of it. We can have the best hope of modifying antisocial behaviors by equipping our kids with a knowledge of the way the world works. You may not like the way the world works, but in some sense, it is what it is.

(1) Model Observation
Talk about life as it happens. Does that person serving at the restaurant look upset? What could be stressing them out? Is it a busy day? Talk about people's facial expressions, body language and attitude. Does the person on TV look excited? Why? How does that person's behavior affect other people? Observe these things happening outside of your child's direct circumstance so that they can start to understand that everybody has feelings and that feelings are important.

(2) Involve Your Kids in Your Life
It is a whole lot easier to go grocery shopping without your kids in tow. But, by taking them to the store they are learning more than you realize. It is the little things that we take for granted, like the understanding that fresh produce is priced by weight or that some things are organic and some are conventional. By taking your kids to the store, you can explain that there is such a thing as a budget - a budget is a set amount of money, and money is a finite resource. This knowledge is essential, and will help you when they whine about not being able to buy everything in sight. When you take your kids to a coffee shop, you can teach them how to look a server in the eye and order their menu items with a confident voice. You can also teach them how to pay - money is not INSIDE the card, but inside the bank. Money is the same in cash as it is on card.

(3) Exercise Boundaries
If you let your children walk on the dinner table and do whatever they want, they will probably not have healthy friendships. If you don't use the dreaded word, "No" on occasion, then you are helping your child to be isolated. All people need to learn how to deal with boring or undesirable situations, and by sugar-coating moments that don't go your child's way you are probably not aware that this will most certainly bleed into their socialization. Adults deal with children authoritatively, but they also deal with children with a level of grace that most kids do not give one another. I have watched many children struggle socially because they do not possess the skills to cope with 'No'. Some kids don't know how to use the word 'No'. They are the ones who are likely to be caught up in peer pressure or find themselves being manipulated by others. It is important that we teach our kids when their 'Yes' should be 'Yes' and their 'No' should be 'No'. Adulthood requires boundaries, and they don't fall out of the sky.

(4) Facilitate and Encourage Play Dates
Depending on the age of the child, it is appropriate for parents to be involved in a play date. First, you'll need to find a child that gets along with your child - please do not force someone else's child into a play date. If the other child doesn't like yours for whatever reason, then let sleeping dogs lie. There will always be another playmate: keep looking! Try to encourage consistent friendships with children in the same class. If that doesn't work out, try the same grade. If that doesn't work - try the same school, church, synagogue, community interest group etc. If your child doesn't know what to do with unstructured time, try a play date that has a task - such as; rock climbing, bike riding, craft making, trampoline, going out to lunch etc. If your child has limited and obscure interests, then attempt to widen them with an activity that involves structure and a familiar person. Be there as a comfort and a coach, but be willing to step back to give your child independence.

(5) Social Skills Groups
If you come to a point where you feel it would be helpful to employ outside services, social skills groups exist. At Kahlon Family Services we offer year-round groups in the San Francisco Bay Area to kids of all ages. Something that sets our social groups apart is our new program that involves weekly sessions for parents at the same time the kids are with their group. The parent sessions are aimed at equipping you with a tool box of strategies for family life - especially with kids who struggle socially.

Contact us on kahlonfamilyservices@gmail.com  or click here to visit our website. 

Teaching Kids to Listen

The above picture is how most people feel when they talk to their kids. I used to repeat myself over and over to my kids, then eventually add in a ridiculous request because they were obviously zoned out anyway. It would sound something like this;
"Put on your seat belt"
"Put on your seat belt"
"Please put on your seat belt"
"FOR PETE'S SAKE, PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!"
"Purple monkey dishwasher"

Around the dishwasher part they would start listening. By that time I was annoyed, and we were still sitting in the car going nowhere. I would threaten and talk and explain and verbosely lay out my expectations - all the while this was achieving absolutely nothing but breathlessness.

Save your breath. There is a better way to communicate.

THIRD TIME LUCKY
The first thing that had to change was how many times I would make a request - three is the limit. When you say your child's name repeatedly with no response, you are essentially teaching them to ignore you until you get really mad. This is neither time efficient or safe. If you were out in the street and a car was coming and you said your child's name and they ignored you, the results could be tragic. Your expectation should be that they listen to you the first time. We realize this doesn't always happen, but when it comes to safety, we want our kids to be trained to pay attention to their adults. Three times is our maximum now.

Example; 
(Yelling an instruction from across the room)
Parent: Dinner is in 5 minutes!
(Kids keep playing)
Parent: Dinner is in 5 minutes!
(Seems like you have been ignored. Go over to where your child is. Request eye contact.)
Parent: Eyes.
(Wait for your child to look at you.)
Parent: How many minutes until dinner time?
(Your child shrugs. Hold up 5 fingers.)
Parent: How many minutes until dinner time?
Child: Five

Another technique to use so that you only have to speak 3 times, is to remove the child's choice after the third instruction is given.
Parent: Do you want the burger or the hot dog?
(No answer)
Parent: Burger or hot dog?
(No answer)
Parent: If you do not answer me this time, I will choose for you: Burger or hot dog?

They usually listen when the stakes get higher.

BE CLEAR
When giving instructions, clarity is key. Maybe your child has no idea specifically what you are asking him or her to do. Some kids have trouble organizing themselves when it comes to instructions with too many steps - some children will only be able to carry out one step at a time, others will be able to do 2, 3 or more.

Instructions may have various steps: 
*One step; try saying, "Teeth" instead of "Go and get yourself ready for bed."
*Two Step; try saying, "First teeth, then toilet" instead of "Go and get yourself ready for bed."
*Three Step; try saying, "First teeth, then toilet, next PJs" instead of "Go and get yourself ready for bed."

... WHEN YOU ARE CALM
Sometimes it feels as though you are in a battle of wills with your child. They are too worked up to receive any new information, as their system is already on overload. If your child is mid-meltdown, it is not a great time to get philosophical with them. Save the wordy explanations for times when your child is receptive - maybe bedtime or in the car. The most useful phrase I ever learned to use was,
"I hear you - and I will talk to you when you are calm". 

If the child keeps talking/yelling at you, don't chase your tail by feeding the meltdown. Honestly, it is futile and will probably make things worse. Be empathic ("I hear you", "I see you are upset") but be firm. After the initial instruction, you can shorten your instruction to, "We will talk when you are calm." The debrief is often the most important teachable moment of a meltdown - "How could you have dealt with that emotion in a better way?"

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT
If every time you open your mouth you are saying something negative, it is no surprise that your kids are zoning out. I would too. Notice the things they are doing right - encourage them when they use appropriate social skills, tell them stories about your childhood, sit with them for just 10 minutes a day and do whatever they want to do. You have no idea how the seemingly little things can make such a huge difference. 

Take a Break

When it comes to attention spans, many of us are lacking. As an adult it can be difficult to sit still and be quiet for a period of time - yet kids are expected to do so every day. This is part of life - and a developmentally appropriate request for most kids. Funnily enough, the world we live in is constantly sabotaging our ability to have sustained attention through the conveniences of modern life. Kids with sensory or social differences have an even harder time keeping their bodies still and quiet, which can be very distracting for others in the group.

We have been thinking about ways in which to give wiggly kids a way to overcome their challenges, rather than having their challenges overcome them.

How do you teach a child in a classroom setting to self regulate - especially in group time?
We use "Break Cards". Teach a child what it means to take a break, and then allow them to use a special card to give them a break from an activity before a behavior occurs. This is meant to be a positive experience for the child and others involved. It is super important that a child learns how to recognize when the environment is too overstimulating.

What if the child doesn't want to take a break? 
At first, a child's breaks will probably be led by adults. If you are assisting a child within a structured preschool/school environment, use repetition. When you see that the child needs a break - give him one. Again and again. The goal is that he will begin to recognize what it feels like to remove himself from a situation that will lead to behavior he may regret, or later be embarrassed by.

What does the child do on a break?
Occupational Therapists call these activities a 'Sensory Diet'. Just like we need a balanced food diet, we need a balanced sensory diet. Some people are allergic to certain foods, like some people are "allergic" to certain sensory experiences.

Here are some examples;
* Bear Walks
* Crab Walks
* Chair Push-ups
* Sitting in a Bean Bag
* Swinging

Give choices in a way that is developmentally appropriate and in context to the situation. A young child might respond to a laminated icon with a picture of the break activity. An older one may respond well to a color coded card or a key word. Older kids will likely want to keep their differences more discrete, so this could be something more than one child in a class uses.

Notes on Rewards/Reinforcers
I am not a big fan of material rewards. I also think it is too much of a stretch to ask a child to be entirely intrinsically motivated. In my opinion, the pendulum should swing somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. "Experience Rewards" are one way of encouraging desirable behavior - such as; extra play time, play time with a best friend, free choice activity, watching a movie etc. Rewards that have a material motivator attached can work too, but maybe think of a thoughtful way of incorporating relationship into the mix. What about a hot chocolate date? That gives the child something tangible (hot chocolate) and a date (relationship). Some families like to buy their child Lego and have a parent make the Lego set with the child as part of the reward. Rewards only work if they are meaningful to the child - so check in with him to see what he'd like. That in itself is a huge motivator.