Keep it Simple!

There's no instruction manual for parenting...

You are a parent. Your time has come to make decisions, and while you raise your child within a "village" of family and friends, the final choices rest with you.

Many people care so much about what other people think that they lose sight of the kind of parent they'd like to be. Just like comparing yourself in any way with others is unhealthy, comparing your parenting style to others will never lead to a sense of fulfillment.

Be brave. Keep it simple.

Here are 5 ways you can simplify you life, while fostering your own family culture:

(1) Make a list
Put some time aside with your spouse/parenting partner to decide the most important values for your family. Boil it down to a few, and then filter everything you do through these values. Maybe you highly value integrity, so you place importance on honesty. Perhaps you want to teach your children about work ethic, so you prioritize time management and give them ownership of certain jobs around the house. Maybe you highly value forgiveness, so you model that behavior in everyday life. You will probably want to teach your kids all of the above, but just focus on a few at a time.

(2) Worry less
If your kids eat white bread or meat or french fries, or something that isn't organic vegan paleo - it's OK! If every now and again you skip a bath, calm down. If your child has a terrible hair cut because he wouldn't sit still, he will live to tell the tale. Sometimes it's great to be details focused, and other days just give yourself a break and "zoom out". Big picture: Will this moment affect the rest of their lives?

(3) 10 minutes a day
Some people wonder how they can spend more time with their kids. Maybe you need quality time, not quantity time. Try this - put aside 10 minutes every day of undivided attention, and have your child decide what to play. Join in with whatever he/she is doing, without getting up or looking at your phone. Set an alarm, and give your child a 2min, 1min and 30 sec warning of when the play time will end, followed by a fun countdown from 10 to 0. During that time, focus entirely on being part of the game. It will do wonders for you child's self esteem and your relationship.

(4) Put everything in context
If you live in the suburbs with a big house, that's your context. If you live in a two-bedroom city apartment with three kids, that's your context. If you live on a farm, then you can hardly compare your lifestyle to the suburbs or city. What truly matters is finding what works for your family in your context. Don't try to be someone else, use what you have already got and go from there.

(5) Do YOUR best 
Most parents do their best with what they've got. In your family, emphasize effort rather than perfection, and see where it takes you. No Mom or Dad has ever got it right - this is the hardest job in the world, with no definitive answers. Find the balance between seeking out counsel and using your innate intuition. Trust yourselves, talk it out with your partner, and do your very best!

Sweet Dreams!

Many families struggle with the logistics of bedtime. Quality sleep is so very important - especially for those with growing bodies and minds! So, this blog post is dedicated to frequently asked questions about all things sleep-related!

How much sleep do kids need? 
1-4 weeks old, 15-16 hours a day (in short periods of 2-4 hours)
1-4 months old, 14-15 hours a day (longest stretches will be around 4-6 hours, commonly at night time)
4-12 months old, 14-15 hours a day (around 2-3 naps a day, and sleeping through the night)
1-3yrs, 12-14 hours a day (1-3 hour nap per day, bedtime typically around 7pm, waking up around 6-8am)
3-6yrs, 10-12 hours a day (naps tend to phase out by 5yrs old, with bedtime around 7-8pm, typically waking 6-8am)
7-12 yrs, 10-11 hours (bedtime typically anywhere from 7:30-10pm, waking up in 6-8am. The average is only 9 hours.)
12-18yrs, 8-9 hours (teenagers need sleep too!)

The sun is only setting at 9pm and my child is supposed to go to bed at 7pm. How can I get him to sleep when it's still light out?

There are a few tricks to make the transition easier. Buy very thick, light-blocking curtains from a store like Bed, Bath and Beyond. Prepare the child's room with curtains drawn, a lamp on and relaxing music before the child comes in. Think of it as creating another "sleepy" world. Use calm voices and read stories for as long as possible - 30 minutes is a good amount of time if you can manage it. 

My child takes a long time to calm down. How can I get her to bed earlier?

At least 30 minutes before bed, insist that electronics are off. No TV, no iPad, no Kindle. Screen time stimulates your child's brain and makes it harder for them to wind down. Create a routine of turning screens off, eating dinner, taking a relaxing bath, reading stories together in a dark, calm environment. 

As soon as I leave my child's bedroom she gets out of bed. How can I get her to stay in her room? 
This is a very frustrating stage that most kids will go through. We believe that children don't just do things "for no reason", and whether or not your child articulates why she is getting out of bed, there is probably an underlying reason that is greater than disobedience. Is your child afraid of the dark? Is she afraid of being alone? Is she having trouble falling asleep and doesn't know how to regulate her body yet? Sometimes kids get out of bed more when they want more of your time, or they've had a rough day. This is not to say that you should do whatever your child wants at bedtime, but to first understand why she is getting out of bed, then deal with that need before firmly putting your foot down about going to (and staying in) bed.

My child says he's hungry after he goes to bed. If he's eaten dinner, how should I deal with the situation? 
Kids grow rapidly, and in spurts. Some days your child might legitimately be hungry - and other days he might just be buying time before bed. In our opinion, it's best to avoid bringing your child extra food before bed especially if he hasn't eaten a lot at dinner time. Extra food at bedtime can fast become a habit, and he will not learn the importance of eating a full meal at dinner time.

We work long days and want some family time at night - but then my child goes to bed late. How can we have the best of both worlds?
Have a think about how you use your nightly downtime. Some of what you do is "quality" time, other time can be repurposed. It's possible to wind down with your child by reading stories - maybe you could create new traditions of family story time, by both reading and inventing your own stories. Some families even have their own recurring "characters". Rethink your weekend life, too - are you overscheduling yourselves? If you have less planned on the weekends, you can spend more unstructured time with your family.

Do you have any other sleep-related questions? Email us at info@kahlonfamilyservices.com 

5 Tips Towards Behavioral Change

(1) Use a schedule

It's funny how much sanity you can get from a few simple pieces of paper with words written in marker. Schedules are beneficial for you, and for your child - you are teaching life skills of planning, organizing, time management and forward thinking. The schedule pictured is something you might find on an educational website, but you can make one from virtually piece of cardboard.

The keys to a useful schedule:
- Actually USING the schedule every day! Being inconsistent will cause the schedule to have no point.
- Making the schedule with your child, rather than just introducing it as a parentally imposed thing
- Very few words on cards
- Icons that a pre-reader will understand, after you explain it to them (or they could say what icon they would like when you make it)
- Decisions about what to include and what not to include: Does your child have problems with transitions? Include them on the schedule.
- Have a card with a "?" on it, to indicate if you don't really know what will be happening at that time. Scheduled spontaneity is OK!
- Put the schedule somewhere your child can access it any time of day
- If you have a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (or with other change-related anxieties) consider making a mini schedule for the car. Speaking from experience, we have done it and it made the world of difference for the child on the go!
- For travel, consider making a schedule on a small portable dry erase board that you can throw in your carry on bag.

(2) Balanced meals

Thinking big picture - over the course of a day - is your child getting all the nutrition he needs to function well? Children can be frustrating eaters - one day they eat everything, the next they eat nothing, then they love cheese and the next day they hate cheese, and yell at you for not knowing.  The following exchange actually happened with one of our team and her long term 4 year old client with Autism-

KFS: You brought your cheese home from school - why didn't you eat it?

4yo: I HATE CHEESE. 

KFS: You have always loved cheese. Since when do you hate it?

4yo: I haven't liked cheese since 1945. 

Parents can really freak out about their child's nutrition. Try viewing your child's diet in the course of days, rather than meals - and viewing balanced meals like the plate in the photo. Protein doesn't have to be meat - plant based protein is just as (if not more) nutritious than it's animal counterparts. The biggest key in feeding a child/any human is being savvy about the ingredients in packaged food and sticking to a predominantly whole foods diet. That means: If you couldn't explain how to make it to your child, don't give it to them. Eat things as naturally as possible, and home-make as much of your food as you can. Some children have had huge behavioral success after giving up dairy and/or gluten. 

Focus on giving your child a high protein, low sugar breakfast so that she will be ready to learn at school. Pack a good quality lunch, or be keenly aware of the kinds of foods served at school. Set aside time to make dinner at home (from real ingredients) and you can even use this time to bond with your child, and teach them vital life skills. Children are never too young to learn healthy habits. 

(3) Quality sleep

How much sleep do kids need? Here's a guide from Web MD. Is your child getting enough sleep?

Never underestimate the value of good quality sleep. Get your child to bed early, so that you can have some time with your partner and so your child can be ready for their next day.

We will be blogging about SLEEP next week! Stay tuned.

(4) Consistency

The biggest mistake that we see parents making, is giving up before they see change. If you are implementing a new strategy - give it your best and give it a week. You can not see change overnight, and there is no such thing as a magic wand. 

Also, be consistent with your responses to your kids. Secure attachment is built on the cornerstone of predictable, contingent responses. Trust is built when your child knows what to expect from you. 

(5) Change your environment

Are you getting frustrated at your child for getting their fancy clothes dirty? Stop putting your child in designer clothes for preschool. 

Are you mad at your child for breaking all of your "good" plates and cups? Buy those neon plastic plates and cups from Ikea. 

Are you at your wit's end because your child is using your expensive pens to draw with? Buy her some Crayola!

Are you frustrated because your child is refusing to eat their caviar/quinoa/sourdough/kombucha/kimchi for lunch? Try something a little less adult. (Or as my friend's husband said to his wife, "Stop trying to feed our son like he's a 45year old CEO of a not-for-profit organization")

Some people become parents without ever having had any experience with children. That is totally OK, not everybody has access to kids before they start the journey of parenthood. There is something you should know: Kids don't act like adults. Are there things that are maddening you about your child's behavior that you could change to be more kid-friendly? 

Having said that, you don't need to regress to a fish stick only diet and alphabet songs on your car playlist. You know your child. Find a place somewhere in the middle. 

Homeschooling: [Part 2] Meet Gina Niblack

26 years old, exclusively homeschooled, not socially awkard

Upon meeting Gina Niblack, we were overcome by her sweet spirit, quiet confidence and apparent intellect. A deep thinker, ever-patient and a great listener; it's easy to see why Gina has so many friends, a burgeoning career in music and an adventurous life here in San Francisco. Quite frankly - she's a joy to be around. As sibling #5 in a 7 child family, Gina was homeschooled with her brothers and sisters from kindergarten through senior year - and contrary to popular opinions about homeschooling - came out the other side with social skills.

We talked to Gina recently about her homeschooling journey, in the hope that she might be able to inform our readers about the advantages, disadvantages and end result of this form of alternative schooling. She doesn't present a rosy picture of homeschooling, but rather, she talks honestly about what it's like to be different.

Gina Niblack

Why did your parents choose homeschooling? 

My parents saw themselves as the primary teachers of their children, and desired us to learn not just academics but character, discipline, and a love for learning.  They decided to homeschool based on the belief that education is much larger than classrooms and textbooks, and taught us through daily opportunities to learn and grow. They also saw the advantages of having more one-on-one time and flexibility based on each of their children's particular strengths and needs and encouraged us to pursue our individual interests. 

Conventional schooling offers children a lot of routine. Obviously being taught at home is much different, with only 7 kids of various ages, it must've been difficult for your Mom to manage you all at once. How were your days structured? 

Every day started with a routine schedule. Starting at 8:30 each morning, I worked through a list of homework assignments my mom had planned the previous week. To finish the morning, my Mom would read aloud to us together for an hour. Starting in high school, I had schoolwork to finish up in the afternoon. For most of my education my school day lasted about four hours, with the rest of the day open for imaginative childhood creativity.

In our previous homeschool interview, we talked with Kristi (Mom to Nathan and Jericho) about her day-to-day schooling with her sons. She teaches them in a separate room of the house, to make "school" and "home" time distinct. Did you have a specific "school" room in your house? 

We always did our schoolwork at our dining room table - 

Was it difficult to stay on task? 

We were rarely allowed to work alone in order to keep us focused. But we were motivated to get everything done, because after the school day ended (usually lunch time or early afternoon) the school books were put away and we were free to enjoy the day.

We have heard from many parents involved with homeschooling that community is the best key to alternative schooling success. Was your family part of a greater homeschooling community? 

My family was part of a homeschool support group which provided networking and community for the parents and kids. Although the activities I did with the group were informal, it helped to have a community of families with an understanding of our unique schedule and lifestyle, and especially helpful for the parents to compare experiences and share ideas. 

We understand that there are various ways to homeschool, with many different kinds of curriculum available to use. What kind of curriculum did your family follow? 

The curriculum we used differed from year to year, but always had an emphasis on reading. My parents value quality literature, so most of our assignments were reading or writing. Math and science textbooks changed from year to year and were often recommended through teachers at nearby schools. Overall, it was still a very balanced educational experience. 

You seem to have highly developed social skills. Without daily access to non-family peers, where did you learn to navigate social situations like you do?

My social learning came primarily from the community of friends my parents had. Instead of learning social skills from people my own age, I learned from adults. I remember feeling that I was much more comfortable interacting with adults than with kids my own age. There was a steady flow of people through our home-- neighbors, friends from our church, friends of my siblings-- and I was comfortable with a large age spectrum. I think this hugely benefited me in talking with those older than me and learning from my parents' and siblings' examples of socialization. 

Five Niblack sisters (Two brothers, not pictured)

Having never gone to conventional "school", how do you perceive homeschooling to be different?

Homeschooling separates social life from learning. For me, it was a gift to learn while undistracted from the unhealthy comparisons and social pressures of school. I felt incredible freedom to simply learn, and this for the right reasons: to expand my mind and deepen my understanding of the world and people. It wasn't about how I measured up to my classmates, how smart or popular or successful I was, but simply that I was genuinely learning and developing my mind. 

Yes, this freedom meant that I wasn't as comfortable in certain social situations, which I often thought of as a disadvantage. Although I felt comfortable with adults, upon graduating high school and entering college I had to refine my social skills and catch up a bit on certain etiquette that others my age already knew. But I see my early years as training ground - not only for higher education and my career - but also a mindful attitude towards responsibility and discipline, emphasizing character and self-development which are essential goals of a good education. While my social skills may have needed a little adjusting, my education had laid an invaluable foundation of the lifelong values of responsibility, kindness, honesty and hard work.

Many parents of children with differences have trouble finding (and keeping) their children a school to meet their child's needs for behavior and academics. Would you recommend homeschooling to parents of children with special needs? 

Homeschooling is especially helpful for children with unique needs; since each of us have different learning styles, it is hard to reach everyone's individuality in a classroom setting. Yet, I think those who choose to homeschool should have an structured approach and with clear goals, behavioral consequences and daily routine. Homeschooling works best in the balance of a structured home with students who may benefit from more flexible approaches to learning. 

When you have children of your own, will you teach them at home? 

Because of my own positive experience with homeschooling, I am inclined to plan on homeschooling my own children. I like that this kind of education gives individual attention to children from those who know them best. Yet, I know that each child is different, and if I believe that my child would benefit from a more social learning experience, I want to give them that.  While the flexibility is a huge advantage, I strongly recommend establishing structure as you teach to provide stability and discipline. Connect with a homeschool group that can provide resources, social support and fresh ideas. Focused, undistracted learning is key, but isolation is unhealthy! Use the freedom of your schedule to your advantage to plan creative ways of teaching and growing a loving relationship with your child which is the greatest gift you can give!

___________

If you have any further questions for Gina, please direct them to info@kahlonfamilyservices.com 

Services for Autism Spectrum

Do you have a child with Autism? If the diagnosis is new (or you suspect that your child may be "on the spectrum"), you might be wondering what kinds of services are available to help your child with an early intervention. It has been well proven that early intervention is key to giving your child the best chance at life with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. At Kahlon Family Services, we are passionate early interventionists - so this post is dedicated to providing you with information about the kinds of services available.

With early interventions, a child may have a couple of these professionals, their teachers and parents form a "team". The team meets where necessary to make sure everyone is on the same page with the child's progress. Every child is different, and therefore it is likely that most will not need all of these services. It would be very expensive (time and money wise) to have professionals from all of these areas involved in your child's life. Sometimes less is more.

________________________________

Behavior Specialists
Sometimes referred to as Behaviorists, a Behavior Specialist's job is to consult with parents on how they would like to see their child's behavior change. The Behavior Specialist makes a plan, and goals for the child. The specialist may work 1:1 with the child on life skills, with parents on how to deal with meltdowns and challenging behaviors, or with teachers on behavior management in a classroom environment. Behavior Specialists may use the ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) framework, ABC (Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence) or various other relationship-based methods of behavioral modification.

Shadows
A "shadow" is a Behavior Specialist who works with a child in a school setting, with the goal of helping the child become a successful member of the classroom community. Some children have a shadow because the school is experiencing great difficulty dealing with the child's behaviors and require extra help. Other children have a shadow because their brains are wired differently, and they may take a long time to complete a task. The shadow observes, takes notes and builds rapport with the child - then they begin to help the child with daily tasks. Shadows consult with the parents and teachers regularly, making sure that everyone is "on the same page" with the child's progress.

Social Skills Groups 
These groups are led by Behavior Specialists or therapists with the goal of arming children and adolescents with skills to make and maintain consistent friendships. Social connections are so important for living a full life, and in these groups, children are explicitly taught how to think flexibly and act thoughtfully towards others.

Parent Training
Various organizations provide parenting classes for people with children on the Autism spectrum. Parenting classes designed for typically developing children may not be relevant to your family, so it is recommended that you seek training from people who understand what it is like to raise a child with Autism. In addition to the education, parenting classes are a great way to meet other parents whose families share the same challenges.

Occupational Therapists
"OT"s are the people who are concerned with how your child takes on everyday tasks. They are specialists in sensory integration, making adaptations to a child's environment, and providing parents with therapeutic techniques to fuel early interventions. If your child falls over frequently, has regular meltdowns, has issues with being overly/under sensitive to his/her environment - consult with an occupational therapist.

Physical Therapists
"PT"s work with people to build (or rebuild) strength, mobility and motor skills. They can help children with imperative motor skills that children with Autism may not have naturally - such as skipping, kicking, throwing and catching. These skills are not only important for brain development, but also social engagement.

Speech Language Therapists
Speech Language Therapists assess speech, language and communication abilities. Children who have trouble communicating are more likely to have behavioral outbursts due to frustration, so teaching them how to get their message across is vitally important to their development. SLTs can also assist in implementing alternative communication systems, such as PECs.

Marriage and Family Therapists
"MFT"s are the people who are able to talk through various issues of having a challenging family life, support parents and children with the strain that Autism can place on a family, and help mediate disagreements between parents. MFTs can work with parents and children separately, but are most successful when working with the family as a "whole client".

Dietician 
Dieticians help provide recommendations about nutrition. Some children on the Autism spectrum respond well to certain types of diets, like gluten free or dairy free.

Developmental Optometrists
Children with Autism may have difficulties with their eye muscles, while not necessarily struggling with "vision" as such. A Developmental Optometrist works on reducing eye muscle fatigue, and increasing skills like gaze fixation. Children may get overly tired at school because they are trying really hard to focus their eyes on school work. Developmental Optometrists are specialists that will understand your child's quirks and needs.