Autism in Public

For parents of children with Autism, every step of the journey is filled with joy and sadness. We're joyful that our children are intelligent, hilarious, quirky individuals - yet faced with comparisons of their typically developing peers. It takes courage to stand up and advocate for your child, create Autism awareness and accept that everyday situations are extremely difficult for your whole family.

No doubt, you have taken your child somewhere and experienced stinging remarks from strangers. You have heard passing comments from people you know - and maybe even deeply offensive judgements from people that are close to you. The older your child gets, the more likely you are to experience uncomfortable social situations where you will need to stand up and publicly accept your child's behavior for what it is. This doesn't mean that you're giving up on his social skills, but you are showing unconditional love for him at this very moment in time. Nothing is more powerful to a child than being accepted for who he is, not what he does.

One of our team members was working with a 4 year old client with Autism, who was in Occupational Therapy for issues with peripersonal space (not knowing where is body is in space, or if somebody is close to him or actually touching his body) which caused him to hit other people. The little boy was letting off some steam in a bounce house by himself at an off-peak time of day, when another child entered the structure and took a ball from our client. Naturally, the 4 year old hit the other child. With no time to explain (and frankly, we do understand any form of hitting is socially unacceptable) the other child's parent began to yell judgements at our team member, assuming that she was the client's mother. Children with Autism have behaviors that are socially unacceptable, but they are not bad kids and you are not a bad parent because your child does these things.

You will most likely, at some point, be accused of having a problem with disciplining your child. Here's the thing: How you manage your child's behavior is nobody else's business. Other parents don't understand how far your child has come, or the lengths you have gone to to actually create behavioral boundaries for your child. They are unaware of the schedules you have on every wall at home, the sticker charts you're chipping away at every time your son makes eye contact and says, "Hello" to you instead of jumping straight into a conversation about train schedules or cell biology.

They won't understand that he just threw his shoe at you and told you that he hates you because he has seams in his socks and that is uncomfortable for him because his sensory system just doesn't work properly. They won't understand that he screamed with every step he had to take in shoes with those socks. Shoes that were too tight, shoes that were too loose, shoes where the velcro stopped sticking because he undid them and did them up way too many times to get it just right. They won't understand that he peed his pants on the airplane because he is afraid of the toilet, and he also doesn't always feel when his body needs to 'go'. They won't understand that he is singing an inappropriate song because he heard it once at summer camp and has a photographic memory - even though you try your best to limit his media input. They won't understand that he is singing the same line over and over because he likes the sound of those words, and that he is singing so loudly because he has no voice modulation.

The empathy that your child is lacking, will be given to you in double portion. You will most likely see everything through your child's eyes. You can not change the way he behaves, but you can help him to understand life, and encourage him to be who he is. Parenting isn't about fitting in with everyone else, but about loving your child in private, in public and in every day that he lives and breathes.

The Right School for You

In the field of special needs, we are constantly faced with families having trouble finding the right school for their children. In many ways, the "perfect" school does not exist, because schools are communities of people and we all know that humans are not perfect. We have found, over time, that some schools are a better match than others.

We have compiled a list of a few things to take into consideration when finding a school for your child, or deciding to change schools.

(1) The School's Philosophy
While doing your research, check out the school's philosophy and mission statement. Obviously these appear simply as words on a page/website, so when you visit the school you will have an idea of what to expect. Develop some questions surrounding the practical outworking of the mission statement, and if you see no evidence of the school practicing what they preach then it would be a good sign that the school might not be as reliable as you'd hoped.

(2) Classroom Climate
It is very difficult to see what a classroom environment is like ahead of time, but it is easy to see if a current classroom is a healthy place (or not) for your child. Volunteer to help with student work, and you will soon see how the teachers conduct their lessons and classroom management. When you are present, it is highly likely you will not see a completely accurate picture of your child's behavior as it will be different with you there. You should, however, be able to pick up on nuances of the classroom climate and culture. Keep an eye out for the quality of interaction between the children and the teachers - but please remember that teachers are professionals, and you are on their "turf". If you have an issue with something that you see, make an appropriate time to talk about it per appointment. Also, if you notice positive things about the classroom, why not send your child's teacher an encouraging email? Kindness from parents goes a long way.

(3) Environmental Setup
Does the classroom have natural light? Is the classroom well ventilated? Is there a place for your child to calm down and take a break? How are the acoustics of the room? Are there any consistent outside noises that will distract your child from learning? These are all factors that may hinder your child's education. Some classrooms are underneath the gym, and shake loudly when games like basketball are played. Some rooms have only artificial sources of light, and this can cause a sense of "cabin fever". Think about your child's greatest challenges, and be specific. Remember that there are some things that your child will have to learn to overcome, and that the school shouldn't need to alter everything to accommodate your son or daughter - but - on the other hand, feel free to ask respectfully.

(4) Open Spaces (parking lot etc.)
Certain inner city schools have large parking lots, elevators and various other hoops to jump through before a child enters the classroom. For many kids, this is no big deal. For children with sensory sensitivities (and other special needs) this can be extremely overwhelming and cause early morning behavioral problems due to overstimulation. Since the beginning of the school day is crucial, you may want to consider a smaller school for children with differences.

(5) Services and Modifications
Some schools will offer services such as Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy or Social Skills Groups. We recommend that you find out what kind of support systems are available when looking for a school, and also ask about what kinds of modifications they will allow for your child's special needs. It is very important for some children to be allowed to take breaks when they are melting down, overstimulated, tired, hyperactive or bored. Think about ways in which your child could have low maintenance modifications, and pitch them as ideas to the teachers. When talking to teachers, try to think of ways your child can be responsible for his/her own self regulation - as often times there will not be a spare teacher to help your child take a break.

It goes without saying that you are your child's best advocate when it comes to their education. When making a first impression on potential teachers, do your best to understand that your child is not the only (or the most important) student in the class. Try not to be overbearing, because teachers often have trouble building relationships with students whose parents become high maintenance. Our best advice is to listen to your parental intuition, speak up when you need to and work with the teacher to challenge your child to reach new heights.

Babysitters, Respite & Summer Vacation

All parents need some time out from wearing their MOM or DAD hat. A huge part of successful parenting comes from being able to take the occasional break from your children. One of the problems with being a parent of a special needs kid is that it can be difficult to find someone to look after them. We have seen some families go from babysitter to babysitter on a weekly basis, on a quest to find someone who can handle their children. We have seen kids act out simply because they know that their challenging behaviors cause a change in babysitter. If your child gets what they want by melting down, then their meltdowns have proven to be an effective method of communication (in their opinion) and they will continue to be, until something changes.

So, what are the big problems with the babysitter search?

The perfect babysitter doesn't exist
Sometimes parents have this idea that Mary Poppins or Maria Von Trapp truly exist and are waiting by their computers responding to advertisements on Craigslist. If you're in the market for someone to wave their magic wand over your kids and change them from wild animals to well-behaved upright citizens without you having to do so much as lift a finger... then... you are going to be waiting a while. You are the parent. It is your job to parent your kids - your babysitter's job is to keep them safely entertained while you take a break or go to work. There is no shame in needing help with the "wild-to-upright" transformation. There are services available, and we are certainly one of them. But the big disclaimer here is: It takes effort.

A cheap babysitter is not necessarily a good idea
If you buy a pair of shoes for $10 and they wear out in a month, you can hardly be upset. You got what you paid for. If you pay your babysitter peanuts, and she loses your kids or they start saying the 'F' word the next day - then you might want to (a) Never use her services again & (b) Value your kids enough to pay your babysitters well. I am not saying that you need to be rich to afford a babysitter - I am implying that if you don't pay your babysitter enough, s/he may not place much value on her time with your kids and therefore not do her best. If you are struggling financially, maybe try adding some perks to the babysitting gig - dinner, Netflix and wifi are all good reasons for a babysitter to return.

It is possible to over communicate
Some people with special needs kids feel the need to over-explain their children's quirks to the babysitter. This probably will freak the babysitter out. He or she will probably not sleep before arriving at your house - if they do at all. If you overcommunicate, the babysitter may request to be paid an exorbitant amount of money. We recommend that you explain enough to your babysitter so that they know what to expect, but don't give them a rundown of the child's entire emotional rollercoaster of the past week - especially the part where they ran away at the coffee shop, attacked the wall with a cheese grater, cussed at the supermarket cashier or gave bruises to their last babysitter.

It is possible to under communicate
More than likely, parents with special needs will undercommunicate to babysitters. If you do not warn your babysitter about the child's sensory sensitivities, s/he might decide that going to the movies is fun or that vacuuming while they watch TV is a harmless sport. If you don't warn your babysitter that your son hates cheese so much that if he even sees it he will freak out, she might decide to take them for a trip to the pizza parlor. If you don't warn your babysitter that transitions are really difficult for your daughter, s/he might have no idea why suddenly turning the TV off and saying, "Bedtime!" is an unforgivable, meltdown-tastic mess. Armed with a few incentives and some tricks up her sleeve, your babysitter will be much more able to bare the tantrums and maybe even curb some of them.

Realistic expectations
If you have trouble getting your child down for a nap, probably don't insist that your babysitter be able to do it. By all means, it is worth a try, but the pressure of making it work may be too much for the babysitter and child. The worst babysitting moment I ever had was when a child's parent said that the nap was a necessity, then the child released his inner beast (hands, fists, fingernails and teeth were employed in the refusal of this nap) at the very mention of the N word (N-A-P). Where possible, make it easy for your babysitter to return. If your goal is to go out of the occasional date night, then it really doesn't matter if your child goes to bed without brushing his teeth. As long as it doesn't set a ridiculous precedent of substandard dental hygiene, you should do what you can to keep the babysitter happy and keep the kids happy with her.

Respite Services
At Kahlon Family Services, we also offer respite for families with special needs children. Being trained in behaviors and developmental differences, our specialists can consult with you about your child before care begins. A big advantage of having a Behavior Specialist providing respite (compared to using a mainstream babysitter) is that the specialist understands that your child will be unique and possibly challenging, yet coming at the situation with a toolbox of techniques to not only provide quality care to your child, but also have a good time. 

If you would like to talk to somebody at Kahlon Family Services about respite, please contact us at info@kahlonfamilyservices.com or visit our website at www.kahlonfamilyservices.com 

Interview with Autism Today TV - YEAS

Recently the founder of Kahlon Family Services, Vanessa Kahlon, was interviewed on AutismTV about her unique program, YEAS (Yoga Education for Autism Spectrum). Vanessa's passion shines brightly for both yoga and helping individuals with special needs, as anyone who has ever met her would soon notice. Passionate people will always make an impact on the world around them, and that is why Vanessa's program is so inspiring.  

The interview can be seen by clicking here - we highly recommend watching it! (YouTube wasn't letting us post the video for some reason, sorry. We tried!)

During the interview, Vanessa spoke about the positive effects of yoga for those with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Here's a recap of a few reasons why the YEAS program really works; 

(1) Body Awareness
Yoga teaches children about the parts of their body, what they can do and where they are in space. This all seems very obvious to a typically developing child, but these foundational skills are delayed in those with Autism. Spatial awareness can greatly effect behavior at home and school, particularly with children who tend to hit or crash into other people. Children learn to "feel" where their bodies are, by making contact with the yoga mat, stretching and strengthening. 

(2) Coping Skills
At Kahlon Family Services, we make sure that children know that they are in control of their bodies. It is very empowering for a child who has very little control over their environment to remember that their body is something they have mastery over. Even if it is extremely difficult, (or seems impossible) for some children to control their body, we celebrate each small step in the journey towards self-regulation. Yoga teaches children to persist in situations that are uncomfortable, new and may go for a longer time than the child expects. Certain poses will be challenging (but never meant to hurt) and they will learn that over time, bodies become stronger. The YEAS program doesn't focus on perfection, but instead, keys in on best efforts. 

(3) Self Esteem
Each YEAS session is designed to leave the child feeling more empowered than we he/she arrived. Many children who have "disabilities" or differences can become quickly discouraged with activities that involve complex motor coordination. In situations where typically developing children are learning activities like yoga, teachers are not often able to handle students with processing delays, which leaves children with Autism feeling alienated by multistep instructions. The chain reaction is that the child with Autism may act out because the demands placed upon him are beyond his ability, or stop trying because he has already perceived failure. YEAS addresses these problems in a very concrete way with the items in the backpack (pictured above). 

(4) Sequencing
As mentioned, children on the Autism Spectrum are likely to struggle with sequencing instructions, and processing auditory directions. The YEAS program uses special FIRST/THEN instruction boards, visual schedules and choice boards. We set children up for success by giving extra cues, so that their minds can be focused on the content of the lesson. 

(5) Routine
Many people on the Autism Spectrum find comfort in routine. The great part about YEAS classes is that there is a level of predictability about each session. Class starts with Sun Salutations and ends in Savasana, giving children a sense of time, community and routine. During class, the children are both the students and the teachers - Vanessa is big on having the children teach one another, which reinforces their learning and builds self esteem. 

(6) Relaxation
As mentioned by Lois Brady in the interview, children with Autism Spectrum Disorders may have trouble learning how to "relax" because they are not 100% sure what "relax" means. Children are given a reference point for relaxation in a YEAS class, when they are directly taught how to breathe deeply and meditate. 

(7) Transferable Skills
Yoga can be done on and off the mat. This means that no matter where you are, yoga can be used to stretch and calm the body. Children can use yoga poses to help focus them at school (e.g. Planking builds core strength, which makes it easier to sit still and focus in class, and children who have stims that involve hand-play can benefit from the input provided by Downward Dog). Deep breathing that is used in yoga can be transferred to moments where a child with Autism needs to calm down after a meltdown or a moment of frustration. 


If you would like to know more about the YEAS program, or if you would be interested in attending or hosting a YEAS training session, please visit www.kahlonfamilyservices.com. Likewise, you can email info@kahlonfamilyservices.com or comment on this post. 

Namaste!