Managing Childhood Impulsivity

(Video Source:  LA Toronto Blog) 

Many parents have a hard time with children who display impulsive behaviors. We all know that babies and toddlers want things, and they usually want them NOW! But as children get older, they start to develop the ability to delay gratification and make more constructive choices when they want something.

The main areas of impulsivity that children (especially children with attention or empathy deficits) struggle with are;
- Interrupting conversations
- Physicality before using their words
- Calling out in class, or group situations

All of these areas present problems when trying to function as a family. You may be at the end of your tether with your child, and completely at a loss when it comes to understanding why they do what they do. Well, we think it boils down to this - Waiting is hard work!

For an adult, a decision is made based on weighing up costs and benefits. This process takes place over many years, and nobody ever completely masters the art of perfect decision-making. In fact, impulsive decision making is a normal part of life, and teaches us to learn from our mistakes or "Learn the Hard Way." Sometimes this is the only way that some lessons can be learned. However, as parents, we are required to model self control in order to make constructive choices that will benefit our families, and other people in our local and global communities.

Why should we delay gratification?
If we have the means, or the power to get what we want when we want it - should we still need to delay gratification? In our opinion, yes. When you wait for something, you appreciate it more, you become more thankful for what you have, and you build character in the meantime.


How can parents model self control?

(1) Be honest with your children
Wanting something and having to wait for it is sometimes very difficult. Have an open dialogue about the ways in which you may struggle with delaying gratification. Make a point to tell your children about some ways you distract yourself from wanting an extra piece of cake, or buying that gadget that you want but don't need.

(2) Set them up for success
If you don't want them to eat candy, don't keep candy in the house! If you want them to stop interrupting you, make a system where you can non-verbally communicate that you will be with them soon. For example, some parents ask their kids to place a hand on their arm while waiting to say something. The parent places their hand on top of the child's hand to non-verbally affirm that they know the child wants to talk. Then, once the parent has finished talking to whomever they were first speaking, the parent responds to the child.

(3) Rewind!
If your child has an impulsive behavior, stop it as soon as possible - then tell the child exactly what they did, with fact not feeling (e.g. "You hit your brother before using your words.") After labeling what just happened call, "Rewind!" - this gives your child the chance to do-ver their unproductive choice. Instead of becoming angry at your child's behavior, remove your emotion and help "reprogram" their actions.

(4) "Think first, then act."
Use this phrase to help your child externalize their behavior. Where you have time in advance, help your child to plan ahead, by talking about what is going to happen and possible ways to deal with the situation. Have your child come up with a productive choice, or coach their thinking to suggest a more positive outcome.

How do you know when it's time to seek help?
Impulsivity in older children, and young adolescents, can be a problem that leads into non-preferred adult behaviors. Without a grasp on delayed gratification, teens may be more prone to having unprotected sex, or making snap decisions about sex in general. Food and alcohol use may also become problematic, as well as emotional regulation or money management.

If you are concerned about your child's level of impulsivity, contact a professional (therapist, behavior specialist etc.) and make a plan towards tackling these impulsive behaviors. 

Interview with Shana Meyerson from mini yogis

(1) Tell us a bit about mini yogis

The mini yogis program was created to offer the profound and life-changing benefits of yoga to children in a fun and engaging package. Let's face it, all the things that make yoga awesome for adults (meditation, breathing, sustained postures) can be boring as can be to kids! So, what we've done is repackaged all these elements into activities that kids enjoy, while we sneak in the benefits through the back door. Like kale in a smoothie. When meditation, for example, is a game, children learn the same vital skills as adults do, but they do it in a fun and exciting way that they look forward to participating in. 

(2) Why do you find yoga important in your daily life? 

Yoga is my daily life. Why do I find it important? Because it guides me in my code of conduct and integrity. Because it grounds me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Because it challenges me and embraces me. Because it makes me strong in body, mind, and character. Because it teaches me to breathe. 

(3) What are the benefits of practicing yoga with children?

When you consider the benefits of yoga for children, of course it makes sense to start with the benefits yoga has for adults. Namely, it helps to stimulate and regulate their Nervous, Respiratory, Lymphatic, Circulatory, Muscular, Digestive, Endocrine, Immune, Skeletal, and Vascular systems. Pretty comprehensive, right? Well, I’d have to say that the most profound benefits of yoga for kids go far beyond the simple physical ramifications. More than anything, yoga builds self-confidence, patience, kindness and other life skills that do more than change bodies, they change lives.

A child’s yoga practice is one of the only places that s/he can go without being rated, graded, or berated. In children’s yoga, the only way you can do something wrong is by not doing anything at all. Trying is doing and there is an incredible power in that. Everyone has heard the saying “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?”. And if you are like most people, your mind starts racing to all sorts of thoughts of amazing things you’d want to try. All too often, people yield to fear of failure or judgment when considering risk and, as a result, never even try the things that might totally revolutionize their lives. Yoga empowers kids to try and succeed at everything that they set their minds to.

(4) Kids are super unpredictable - what has been the funniest moment you've had with mini yogis? 

Too many to count. I guess my funniest moment was recently when a five-year-old boy announced that he had to go potty and started to walk towards the bathroom. His nanny quickly jumped up and asked "Do you want me to come with you?". The boy looked at her and said "Of course not. I'm going to the bathroom." Then he turned around, looked at me and sang, "AWKWARD!" and went about his merry way. It was the inflection and perfect delivery that just slayed me, it was so funny.

(5) What has been the most gratifying moment of your time teaching yoga to children? 

Every moment, honestly, is gratifying. I have the best job in the world. But overall, I'd say the most gratifying moment was working with a boy with spina bifida who came to me in a wheelchair and walked out of his first lesson unassisted on his own two feet.

(6) How do people become certified with mini yogis? 

We offer teacher trainings all over the world in an intensive, condensed format. Our mini yogis trainings are 10 - 20 hours long, conducted over the course of one weekend. While anyone at all can attend, it is recommended that you already practice yoga and have a good, working knowledge of the practice before attending. The more you bring in, the more you get out. You can see our full schedule of trainings at http://miniyogis.com/teacher/get–certified/. We are one of the oldest yoga for kids teacher trainings on earth (established 2002) and everyone walks out of the training with a certificate and a smile. :)

Interview with Melissa Shanley

Original Nest

> (1) Tell us a bit about the upcoming art show?

I am showing my most recent fiber sculptures and photographs at the SF Open Studios event.  Through ArtSpan's SF Open Studios, artists open their studios to the public. This way the public gets to interact with the artist without a filtering factor, like a gallery. The public gets to see where the work is created, get a feel for how the artist works and is influenced. People can also ask questions and, hopefully, feel supported in their curiosity about art.

> 2) What inspires your artwork?

So many things. That is such a rich question.

What inspires the images is unique lines revealed by daily life. In my photography, it is usually something as simple as the worn edge of a beautifully unique, old doorway or rooftop which becomes a rich, sometimes abstract form in the photograph. I have learned to take my camera with me because I never know when an amazing anomaly of daily life will reveal itself to me. I know the photograph is a success when I hear the viewer laugh or question what they are looking at.

With my fiber sculpture, the inspiration is some form of the daily and simple beauty of life... like the undulation or color variation of a piece of fallen bark, for example.  I need to create works in which the viewer can sense the tactile and structural composition without even touching it. And I am inspired by natural textures which create that sense.

I have also played with the concept of "nest" since the 1990s and everything from quail egg shells and miniature driftwood to shed cat whiskers and rooster feathers have inspired me and found their way into my sculptures.  I have studied and struggled with the concept of line, rather than image, for all those years, and that struggle continues to provide me with rich work and inspiration, as well.

On an emotional level, what inspires me is a relaxed state in which I am fed by ample time to work with my images.  The last several years, that state had been eroded to non-existence.  I didn't realize how crucial it was until I started to regain it.  The work Vanessa Kahlon and her team has done with Ian and our a family has restored us to balance. Ian feels safe and is more calmly interactive than I have ever seen him before. His laughter is abundant and infectious. As a result of all this, my husband and I have a deeper relationship again and I have time and energy for my artwork.

A bonus and unexpected inspiration of what I just described has been a new connection between Ian and I. Ian has always known my artwork feeds me and would occasionally encourage me to go to my studio, but with my gas tank on empty, I had nothing to fuel me in there.

Now, we intuitively seem to feed each other's creativity. He sees me go into what he calls a "camera coma" when I begin photographing something which spontaneously grabs me. He will grab a camera and happily begin his own coma. He has an eye for light and line and design. He even will prompt me to grab my camera when I am distracted by a daily duty and point me to an unusual and interesting form.

Some of our images are almost indistinguishable from each other. I will have a couple of those on display, side-by-side, at the Open Studio for those of you interested in seeing the results of a calm internal state with a unique kid who who is thriving. Ian will be at the studio from about 11-12 Saturday and Sunday to show his work with mine. He's excited about it and is even the one who suggested it. Thank you, Vanessa!

> (3) Whose art inspires you?

Artists who have struggled with and explored the concept of line have inspired me. Auguste Rodin and Georgia O'Keeffe are the two most important to me. When I feel I am occasionally not succeeding in creating the line or form I am striving for, I think of them and the richness of the forms they created.

Andy Goldsworthy, the environmental sculptor and photographer, also inspires me. Using natural materials such as stones, leaves and flower petals, he transforms nature into sculpture. His work reminds me that anything can be interesting, beautiful and worth working with-- that anything can be presented from a slightly different perspective and attract the viewer to the beauty and power which was always there, unnoticed.

 

> (4) When you make art, what are the perfect conditions for your studio space?

The perfect conditions include a calm belief in and awareness of myself.  When I have that, it doesn't matter if the studio is a mess or if other people are having challenges: I can take the next steps necessary to create the work which needs me to create it. The important thing is for me to almost constantly feed that calm awareness of myself and my work. Sometimes I do that by working on and editing pieces I am already familiar with and sometimes by connecting with people who know me well and believe in me and my work. I have come to understand that I have to create artwork in order to stay sane and balanced. And I have to do whatever it takes to make that happen because if I don't, I am not whole and happy and, therefore, not helpful to those around me who need me.

> (5) What advice can you give to other parents who enjoy making art with their kids?

I am not very good with advice, but I can share what works for me in hopes that it helps someone else... When I feed myself emotionally, then I can do the artwork I have to create to stay balanced and that, in turn, opens doors to connections (and art) with others. Just today, for example, after taking about an hour to do my work, I bounced out into the car to have a playful-- and artful-- afternoon with my family. My husband made a comment to everyone that I was so happy and fun to be with because I had been working. I love that it is so obvious. Working allows more work, allows flow and fun with family and others, allows art and connection with my child and even my husband.

People had been telling me for years to focus on myself and my artwork. At the time, I didn't believe there was time or space for my work. Now I know there is no time or space for me not to work. My child, his connection with me, as well as the artwork we do together, depends on it.

I would encourage people to work with Vanessa and her team to get the family in balance, then find what feeds you and do that twice as much as you think you should-- then watch the art happen with your child as a result.

When Kids Lie

Let's be honest - everybody lies.
When raising children, most parents are keenly aware of when their child is lying and we try our best to instill truthfulness into our family values. The funny thing about lying, is that parents are often unknowingly encouraging their children to be dishonest.

There are many reasons to lie;
- To control the outcome of a situation
- To gain personal advantage
- To avoid punishment
- To boost self-esteem
- To maintain their own (or another's) privacy
- To protect a friend
- To avoid embarrassment

So, why are parents encouraging their kids to lie? Well, to be specific, we mean "white lies".
These kinds of lies are called pro-social. Let's just say you are eating dinner at a friend's house - if that friend were to ask your child if he liked the food, and he didn't, wouldn't you kind of want him to lie? We call that, "Being Polite". If we're also being honest here, then we could see that this "lying" is a kind of creative social skill.

Lying is a very normal part of childhood development. A child's first successful lie marks a milestone in their ability to be a separate human being from their parents. Actually, according to studies, preschoolers with higher IQs are more likely to lie.

Unfortunately, not all lies are so innocent. As children advance past the preschool stage, some parents have problems with their children frequently lying and obviously, this is a cause for concern. Lying is a learned behavior and that means it can be changed. Some children frequently lie because the expectations placed on them are too strict. Some lie because their upbringing presents situations where they are given too much freedom and they don't know what to do with it. Some children lie because they have something to hide, which may become serious as they enter middle and high school where the prevalence of drugs, alcohol and eating disorders are increased.

So, what should you do if your child has a problem with lying behavior?

Firstly, don't ever label your child a "Liar". Kids will live up to the names you call them!
Then, create an intervention. Have strict consequences surrounding lying behavior, and follow through every time.
If you have an older child who constantly lies with no pro-social motivation (i.e. Are the lies primarily self-seeking?) it may be time to have a professional involved, as the lying could be a sign of other problems.

Interview with Andrew Schlegelmilch

Andrew Schlegelmilch is the head psychologist of California's Orion Academy - a college preparatory school for secondary students with neurocognitive disabilities, such as Asperger's Syndrome or  Non-Verbal Learning Disorder. 

The team at Kahlon Family Services were fortunate enough to have spent a few hours with Andrew recently, picking his brains about what it is like to spend his days in a school like Orion. 

We decided to interview him for the Spectrum Blog, so that you - the parents and caregivers of kids with special needs - might be able to get a taste of all the things happening with Andrew and Orion. 

Enjoy!

______________________________

(1) Tell us a bit about what you do at Orion Academy

I am the Head Psychologist at Orion Academy.  I am responsible for the social and pragmatic language training students receive at Orion, and I answer to the Director of the school.  My duties include teaching social skills classes to and otherwise managing Juniors and Seniors at Orion, and all that entails.  My workday includes a broad range of activities in addition to teaching, such as parent and professional consultation, program development, individual meetings with students, training of clinical staff, and public speaking.

(2) How did you first become interested in Asperger's Syndrome and NLD?

I was originally attracted to the job posting because I had clinical experience working in middle schools and high schools in and around Cleveland.  I found the school work dynamic and collaborative, and I liked the idea of meeting kids where they lived and worked-out in the community-instead of exclusively in my office after school.  I had limited experience working with individuals on the Spectrum at the time, and have since developed an expertise and interest in the population.  After about a year working at Orion it occurred to me that several of my friends in high school and college were likely on the Spectrum.  I naturally gravitate toward intelligent, verbal, kind, and quirky individuals.

(3) What do you like the most about being surrounded by teens with AS & NLD?

The attraction of being with kids on the Spectrum is, to me, similar to the attraction of international travel.  I love meeting and getting to know people who are different from me, see the world differently, and have a unique experience and perspective on the world.  Each person I meet on the Spectrum has a dramatically different perspective about life than I do, and I love getting to know this perspective.

(4) What are the greatest challenges with having such a large number of AS/NLD kids in the same school?

Sometimes the academic and clinical needs of ASD highschoolers can be intense and overwhelming, and especially when all the students are needing individual attention at the same time.  I am fortunate to work with a talented and highly trained clinical team, and a group of the most gifted, hard-working, and good-natured teachers and staff I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  I don't know where these people get their energy and optimism, but it is one of the main reasons I look forward to going to work every day.

(5) What is the funniest, or most bizarre, situation that you have found yourself in, since working with this population? (These must be frequent)

Weird things happen every day at school.  I suppose I have become used to some of the peculiarities over the years I have been working at Orion.  I started keeping a log of "events" called "The Second Craziest Thing I Saw Today" because it is never one, discrete, strange moment.  Such moments always happen in multiples.  Coming up with the strangest story is likely impossible, and unethical to tell because it would be too hard to de-identify the players.  Some of the stories make me laugh (a student once brought a cat to our dog training class), some make me cringe (a student went to tell the secretary that he was feeling sick and ended up throwing up on her), some angry (a parent requested a new psychologist when I critically evaluated the independent living skills of his daughter) and some confused (students will accuse me of getting them in trouble with their parents and, in the same breath, ask me for money for lunch).

(6) What kind of advice can you offer parents and teachers with ASD/NLD students, who do not have access to a school made to meet their needs?

Even I depend on a team of professionals to provide adequate care and training to ASD individuals with whom I work.  Regardless your experience or ability, work on developing relationships with other adults who can help you in your efforts with raising and training the ASD students in your care.