Dealing With Refusals

What do you do when your child says NO?
When he digs in his heels and refuses to move - how can you make him comply?
When she throws her homework on the ground and stands on it - how do you get through?
When your child has outgrown the toddler stage (but still seems to react at that developmental level) how can you, as a parent, employ best practices to let your child know that refusals don't work?

(1) Choose your battles
In the grand scheme of things, how important is this? If it's very important, if it relates to a vital social or life skill, follow through! If you need to get something done quickly, and this is unrelated to a big picture skill, maybe you can let this one go. Breathe... and focus on the main things.

(2) Be consistent
While this sounds like a direct contradiction to the idea of choosing your battles, it isn't. Consistency is about having the exact same expectation every time. Once you choose what is important - run with it! If your child is allowed to opt out of some things on some days, then one day you expect that they'll participate every time, you've sent mixed messages and you're likely to end up with refusal. What do you expect your child to do? Bare minimum could be (part of) homework, some form of helping around the house and participation in family activities. Education, contributing to the family and being part of the group are all vital for healthy development. 

(3) State your expectations
Brevity is key! Use as few words as possible, stating (a) What you expect, (b) When you expect it to happen, and (c) The consequence for it not happening within that period of time.

Imagine your child is asked to put his shoes on to go to school, but he is watching TV instead. You've asked him, you know he knows what to do - he's just not doing it. You could get angry and yell, "You never put your shoes on when I ask! How many times do I have to tell you?" Or, you could casually walk over to the television and turn it off. Look at your child and say, "I expect you to put on your shoes in the next 3 minutes, and if you don't, there will be no TV when you get home from school." Set a timer, and walk away. Also, feel free to add the caveat that if he turns to TV back on once you walk away, there will be no TV for a week :)

Whatever you do, be brief.

(4) Keep emotions out of it
Take a breath, have a consequence already planned out and keep that consequence realistic. Confidently and calmly, tell your child your expectations without raising your voice or having an angry tone. Believe it or not, you can get a lot of results from using a calm, assertive tone. Being self-assured and confident shows that you're in charge - yelling and getting flustered shows your child that she's controlling the situation.

How do we stay calm? Breathe deeply, take a break and model the same self regulation exercises that you expect your child to use. Monitor your stress levels in general - are your mind and body connected? Take a moment to recalibrate your system.

(5) Natural and related consequences
When you're giving your child a consequence, ensure that it has something to do with the situation. For example, if the child hits somebody at the park, a related consequence would be leaving the park and maybe not coming back tomorrow. An unrelated consequence would be losing iPad time. If your child refuses to eat their dinner, a related consequence would be losing dessert and firmly stating that they're not going to get a different meal later on. An unrelated consequence would be taking away their bedtime story. On that note, try to keep bedtime stories/relationship based activities separate to consequences. By playing for 10 minutes a day (no matter what) or reading before bed, you are showing that your devotion to your child is unconditional to their behavior.

5 Reasons We Love Playdoh

(1) Promotes Creative Imaginative Play
It's a blob - no, it's a ball! Actually, I am making a dog - no - a snake! This part here is flat, it's a pancake - no, a pizza! Now I am putting pepperoni on it. I'm going to make a table for the pizza, now it's a restaurant - are you going to come to my restaurant?

Right?! The possibilities are endless with Playdoh. Kids can spend hours developing new ideas, stretching their capacity for flexible thinking and dramatic play.

(2) Promotes Fine Motor Development 
Grab a ball of Playdoh and hide some beads or marbles inside. Have your young child take these small pieces out of the Playdoh - make sure they get all of them! This action works on the Pincher grip and strengthens the hands. Roll some tiny balls of 'doh and have your child collect them all up in one big ball. Then make a little 'pinch pot' out of a medium size chunk of Playdoh - maybe it's a bird's nest with eggs in it?

Seriously, Google Fine Motor activities related to Playdoh. You'll be amazed.

(3) Literacy Possibilities 
Make a snake, and spell your name! Spell everything. Make every letter that ever was - make the whole alphabet in Playdoh! Bring early learning to life with manipulatives like neon Playdoh, and watch that child who hates writing suddenly start enjoying literacy.

(4) It's Relaxing 
Squeeze some bright, squishy Playdoh in your hand and feel the stress leave your body. You can make everything or nothing out of Playdoh, so just sit there doing nothing in particular with it for a while. Like the benefits of Theraputty, or Crazy Aaron's Putty, Playdoh provides a therapeutic sensation to the person holding onto it.

(5)  It's Timeless
Are your kids addicted to the iPad? Get back to basics and provide them some good low-fi fun. Playdoh can go in your backpack wherever you go. Stick a jar of 'doh in your purse and have it ready for boring situations like waiting at an airport, or waiting for a meal at a family-style restaurant. You don't need to give them a screen every time they're bored! Encourage other kinds of developmentally appropriate play, and watch the joy that your children can have from the simple things in life. 

Promoting Independence

Are you micromanaging your children? 

It's not easy to respond to that question when you know that the answer is yes. 

When you take care of everything for your kids, when you give instructions about every little thing - you are taking away real world opportunities for your children to learn and grow. What might begin as a time-saver here, and a sanity-saver there, can fast become a habit. 

We have some suggestions to help you let go... even just a little. 

(1) Think "Big Picture" 

Look at your whole child - the physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual being. Are preparing this child for life? Allowing them to be independent is a huge, uncomfortable step. What if they fail? What if they embarrass themselves? What if they hurt themselves? What if they get frustrated? 

This is real life. Prepare your child for disappointment, prepare them to fall flat on their faces - all the while giving them to tools to be resilient. Real life isn't about what happens, it's about how you deal with what happens. Resilience produces truly exceptional people. 

(2) Stay Accountable

If you really want to see your child leap forward with independence, have your parenting partner remind you when you are micromanaging. You can use a code word to keep it subtle and inoffensive, helping you to realize when you are doing or saying too much for your child. 

(3) Developmental Appropriateness 

Take a look at the children in your child's class, and see what the majority of them can do in the way of life skills. While developmental delays can mean that comparison isn't always the best choice, get a rough idea of what children their age can do. If you have an Occupational Therapist, mention some of these skills to the OT and see what is realistic for your child at this stage. 

(4) Self Image 

While some kids are prone to accepting a lot of help for things that they can easily do themselves, others might demand help because they don't think that they can do it alone. You know your child, you know what they are capable of - and if you think that something you have been doing for them is something that they are now capable of, it's time to cut the rope. Imagine how good your child will feel about themselves when they realize that task is not too hard anymore! Let's help our kids rise to the next level. 

(5) Allow them to Grow Up 

Building on the idea of self image, is the fact that at some point we need to let kids grow up. The easiest way to do this is letting it happen little by little, every single day. We can do this by teaching skills, instead of doing things for them. 

Music for Self Regulation

Have you ever heard a song, and immediately been taken back to a feeling? Music has a way of transporting our emotions to another place, whether we like it or not. To make the best of the power of music, you might want to try having a few songs that you play consistently for your children at certain times of the day.

Play the same song at the same time, and help your child to know the expected behaviors for that time of day.

(1) Wake Up Song 
Does your child have a hard time waking up? Choose an upbeat song, preferably a song they love at the moment. Let's motivate a positive morning, which will lead to a positive mood for the day.

(2) Pack Up Song
Any time there's a mess that needs to be cleaned, cue the packing up with a song. Something fun, but not too silly, is best. Fast beats, positive and motivating songs work best.

(3) Calming Song
What's a song that helps you when you're feeling stressed out? Think about why that song helps you, and consider the same attributes for a calming song for your children. Introduce the song at a calm time of day, encouraging deep breathing. The goal is to have a song that you can play anywhere (headphones can be your best friend while you're out and about), at any time of the day - and your child will respond by calming down.

(4) Bedtime Playlist 
Because a lot of children with special needs also have trouble sleeping, a bedtime playlist may be a recipe for restful slumber. A bedtime playlist should be slow, quiet, calming and preferably musically driven. Lyrically driven songs have a tendency to provide more stimulation to sleepless children, so think about some instrumental tracks that promote rest.

Let us know (via the comments section), if you have any song suggestions!