5 Ways To Be More Available

Photo from kristobans.co

If you're concerned that your child is acting out to get your attention, take a moment to think about this question: How available are you? They might be telling you in a very roundabout way that they feel invisible most of the time, and you're always available when things go wrong. Don't be damage control, be available - and here's how.

(1) Take inventory of your time

What do you do with yourself every day? You are probably really, really busy making sure everything gets done before the day is done. Take an honest look at how you're using your day, and decide whether or not you're using your time well. There might be pockets of time where you can actually rest, or a way to rearrange your time so that you can have more focused time with your partner and kids. 

(2) Learn to put down your phone 

We have a friend who lost her phone for a whole week, only to find out later on that her four-year-old son hid it. Ordinarily, she would have been mad at him - then she realized that he was telling her what his words couldn't express. She was obsessed with her phone and it was taking her mind away from the moment. She did something radical for this era, and got herself an old fashioned flip phone. You don't have to be as drastic as this Mom, but be aware of how many "perfect" photos you're taking of time spent with your child vs. how much time you're spending with undivided attention. Instagram likes don't mean a thing to your kids. 

(3) Schedule times of undivided attention

Ten minutes isn't a long time, right? Setting aside ten minutes per day of undivided attention for your child is a small, but incredibly valuable investment. Play... just play. Set agendas aside and enjoy getting to know what is going on in your child's mind. Read a story or two on the couch. Watch a short episode of a silly kids' show with your child. Have you ever had a hard time with your child getting out of bed a thousand times before falling asleep? This is a frustrating problem, with many possible causes - one of which is a desire for your undivided attention. Decide ahead of time that the laundry can wait, the phone can be put aside and the dishes will be fine for ten more minutes. Put in quality time, and you'll be surprised how much more productive you can be once your child's needs are met. 

(4) Make a "next date" 

If you avoid quality 1:1 time with your child because it always ends badly, consider that they may have some anxiety about when this kind of availability will happen next. Tell your child specifically when you'll hang out again, and always keep your next date. 

(5) Recognize the moment 

If you are sad that your baby is now a child, or constantly frazzled about the idea of keeping order in your house, you'll miss the moment. Strive to understand the value of moments as they are passing. Soon your child will be your teenager, and you'll only have memories of the person they are right now. What is the most important thing? That will drive how you use your time. 

5 Parenting Books to Save You From Sinking

(1) Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach 

This book is all about ditching labels, and understanding why some children find themselves addicted to negative behaviors. At the core of The Nurtured Heart Approach is the idea that giving our most animated responses to positive behaviors will increase the likelihood of the child forming more productive behavioral habits. One of the greatest parts of this book is the acknowledgement that many mainstream parenting ideas fall flat with certain kids, because they respond so differently to typically developing children. If you've tried everything - this is the book for you. 

(2) The Explosive Child

"But even with my admittedly slow progress, my son's progress was STUNNING. We went from daily screaming fits to definite improvement (a day without any fits) in THREE DAYS. On day three, he stopped himself in mid-vaporlock and started to calm himself down on his own! He needed help to complete the process, but I was so thrilled, I cried." 

- Heather Petit, Parent of a formerly Explosive Child (Review on Amazon) 

This book might just save you from losing your mind. If meltdowns are a daily thing in your household and you feel like you're close to the edge of what you can handle, please read this. 

(3) The Out-of-Sync Child 

Touted as the unofficial textbook for parents and teachers of kids with SPD, this book will help you understand what the heck is going on when your child with SPD is having a hard time. Understand why they hate the tags on their shirt, food with an unexpected texture, seams on socks, the sound of a leaf blower... the list goes on. Limit your frustration by expanding your knowledge of their situation. 

(4) How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk 

We know people who have changed their entire teaching and parenting styles to align with the advice given in this book. Learn to communicate in a way that is mutually beneficial, and avoid the power struggles that come with parenting. 

(5) Temple Grandin: How the Girl Who Loved Cows Embraced Autism and Changed the World 

When Temple Grandin entered the world, there was little known about Autism. Parents of children with Autistic symptoms were blamed for being cold and neglectful, supposedly causing their child to be disconnected from the world around them. Thankfully we understand far more about Autism these days, and know that Early Intervention is key. Temple Grandin took the lemons that life dealt her, and made some fantastic lemonade. This isn't a parenting book, but it may help you navigate the journey.