Talking About Tragedy.

In the wake of Friday's horrific shooting in Connecticut, we are noticing more and more parents are concerned with how to talk with their children about the tragedy. It is extremely difficult to talk with kids about the deaths of children their own age, and especially deaths that occurred within a school context. This is also particularly difficult for those whose children are developmentally different, or on the Autism Spectrum. Part of Autism is a dysfunction in processing emotion and reading social situations, which can create some awkwardly inappropriate reactions to tragedy. Please understand that it is likely that your child isn't trying to be morbid, they are probably just trying to piece together what happened.

Like always, it is imperative that you use appropriate descriptions when explaining anything upsetting. Leave out unnecessary details, especially those which may cause anxiety in your child. You don't need to 'shelter' your kids, but use your knowledge of their development to gauge how much they need to know. For example, they don't need to know the type of gun or which class was shot at first - avoid parallels to their everyday world. Monitor your child's anxiety level by checking in with them on a regular basis, while also being aware of their non-verbal cues that may point to heightened anxiety. For children on the spectrum, a common reaction to anxiety is escaping into the safety of their fixations and fantasy world. If you see this happening, rather than immediately trying to discourage the behaviors, try to understand that this is their way of coping with the world. Perhaps you could take your child out of the house, or provide alternative activities - especially those which are conducive to open dialogue about what has happened.

Be aware of how much media your child has access to. The problem with the news is that it is unfiltered, aimed at an adult audience and often biased. We recommend that you only let young children watch the news while accompanied by an adult. There have been kids we've known who have been extremely freaked out by environmental protests on the news, let alone the reaction they'd have toward mass murder. Your child may never tell you how much something plays on their mind, so you may have to learn to leave space so that they don't have to communicate with words. Even if your child is unresponsive, putting aside time to be present with them is crucial to understanding how their emotions work. Remember that silence doesn't have to be awkward - your child may need a minute to gather their thoughts before speaking. This can sometimes seem like the child is ignoring you and this may not be the case. Don't speak too soon - leave space.

Children should know that this kind of tragedy is very rare, and very unlikely to happen to them. Demystify mental illness at a young age - remove the stigma associated. Mental illness is evident in the lives of people we know and love - just like kids with Autism have differences in their brains, people with mental illness have differences in the chemicals in their brains. If we can raise a generation of kids who are educated and sensitive to people who are different, we will see a new world emerge. This doesn't mean we have to agree with (or side with) a person who has killed or harmed others, but instead we can show understanding to the neurological differences in their brains without hatred. 

We are deeply saddened by these events, and sending our thoughts and prayers to all of the people involved.