Dealing With Manipulation

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{Manipulation: Using your behavior to change someone else, without considering their feelings.}

The first step to dealing with manipulation, is being able to recognize when you are being manipulated. Good manipulators expertly hide their ulterior motives, and the best ones will actually make you think that you'll benefit from following their lead. All of this padding is likely to pull the wool over your eyes - so we're going to give you the heads up.

Here are 5 types of manipulative strategies, and how to avoid giving into them:

(1) Just one more minute
If iPad time ends in 10 minutes, it ends in 10 minutes. If your child has been told that they can watch one more TV show, it means one more TV show. Extending time limits on the child's terms will lead to continual manipulative strategies surrounding time boundaries. Many adults think that they earn a child's trust by following through with only positive reinforcements - when in fact - adults should follow through on every word they say. There's a time and place for flexibility, but if you want children to listen to you, make consistency your goal.

(2) Huh? What? 
Children who have a tendency to manipulate seem to ask a lot of questions. Why? Because questions illicit a response from you. Answering these questions gives the child control over your actions, stopping you from being productive with anything else. The questions they ask will often be things that they know already - further driving home the fact that your answers are purely futile. Firstly, learn to recognize real curiosity from attempts to manipulate. Teacher/Parent communication should be frequent, and the child should be aware that all the adults in their life are on the same page. Secondly, don't engage in excessive questioning or "playing dumb." State to the child that you will talk to them when they are finished doing what they are supposed to do. Then ignore the questions.

(3) I can't do this
If a child needs help, coach them to ask for help. If the child is prone to using manipulative strategies, there is a chance that they know how to do the work, and are using an excuse to monopolize your time. Obviously we all want to give our kids the quality time they need for a healthy relationship, and you can give this time unconditionally, in ways such as; bedtime stories, coffee dates or building models together. Empower your child to say, "I need help," rather than giving into the learned helplessness of, "I can't do this."

(4) Can I tell you something?
When it comes to nonpreferred activities, every kid has a story (or twenty) to tell. Let's be honest - they are telling you stories because they are procrastinating. You can kindly say, "I'd love to hear all of your stories when you're done!" If you start listening to the stories, the homework will never get done. Also, the child will learn that they can manipulate your time and your expectations.

(5) You are just trying to be mean 
"You are mean,""You are the worst Mom ever," "You are being unfair,""You make my life worse," etc. The list goes on and on. Some children think that nice parents and teachers are the ones with no rules. If having an expectation of your child makes you mean - then let's all be mean! Looking at the big picture, you are being kind when you make firm boundaries. Don't be sucked in to the guilt trip. If your child can make you feel guilty, you're more likely to give them what they want. If you need to, start a journal that outlines parenting choices you've made and why you've made those choices. When you feel guilty, go back and review your actions. Be confident in your approach, and ask for help where you need it.