Keep Calm and Carry On

(We love this image from Deizie at Deviant Art  )

One of the most significant ways that you can help an anxious child is by staying calm. Easier said than done, right? We know that parenting is a tough gig, so we have some tips to make it more realistic to be able to stay calm in the midst of a storm. 

(1) It takes a village to raise a child 

While parents are undoubtedly the most important people in a child's world, it's a good idea to remember that particularly as children grow, the more positive adult influences the better. A well-balanced, positive upbringing isn't marked by parental perfection - it's produced by learning to let go a little every day. Positive childhood experiences are gained when others are involved in the process, taking some weight off of the parents' shoulders and distributing it between others who love your children. You might think your child is too difficult for others to truly love, but we guarantee you that there are adults out there who will build rapport, pursue a relationship and advocate heavily with and for your child. (If you're having trouble finding this, call us on (415) 971-8214 - we're your people!)

(2) Identify your own anxiety levels 

What are you anxious about? Write it down. Break big anxieties into little actions you can take today. You might be snapping at your child (or being super grumpy) about things that have nothing to do with them. 

(3) Keep your expectations in check 

Are you expecting apples from an orange tree? If your child has Autism, be careful with expectations regarding executive functions and social skills. There's every chance that you're wanting from them what they can't give. Take the pressure off by acknowledging with your child that some things are really difficult because of the way their brain is wired, so you're going to work on it together. 

(4) Under-react where possible 

When your child produces constant back-talk, refuses tasks outright, throws things and completely blows their top - breathe. Resist the urge to yell, and fight back. Remember that you are the model for alternative behavior choices, so having a meltdown about their meltdown will dull your message. Put the responsibility of the behavior back on the child, use natural consequences, insist on repairs when things are broken and most importantly... use a quiet voice!

(5) Be light hearted 

If you think your child will react a certain way when you ask them to do something, call it. For example, if you ask them to do their homework, start with, "I know that you're probably going to say no, "That's boring!" or you might feel like yelling when I tell you this, but it's time for homework!" Saying it out loud might just change their reaction, or could even be a little bit funny. Maybe when they're saying something is boring - join them! Find a silly way to attack an ongoing problem, and it may just work!

If you are having a hard time with your own anxiety levels, it might be worth reaching out for help. If a therapist is out of the question, a regular coffee date with friends might provide some space for adult conversation.