Holiday Gift Social Skills

When it comes to gift giving and receiving, many kids have a lot to learn. As parents, it is our responsibility to teach our children socially appropriate ways to act when it comes to gifts. We have come up with a few common areas of awkwardness that happen around the holidays, and ways to get around them.  Role play, talk about these over dinner time and play pretend with these scenarios.

(1) What to do if you don’t like a gift
This happens! Let’s be honest – we have all been given something we don’t like. This is where we teach our kids to use their ‘social filter.’ On some occasions, it is completely OK to stretch the truth.  Explain to your kids that you don’t have to say you love it if you don’t, but have an expectation of at least saying, “thank you.”

(2) What to do if you already have the gift

Our rule of thumb is – if there is a gift receipt, or an offer to exchange the gift, it is totally appropriate to accept the offer. If not, you could teach your kids to say a positive comment about how having more than one of something is great. If you’re concerned that what your child might say next will be inappropriate, ask them to simply say, “thank you,” and not mention that they already have that item. 

(3) What to do if you don’t get a gift

It helps to identify that gifts are undeserved, and given on a completely voluntary basis. You can help your child label their emotion as being, “disappointed,” but in order to teach appropriate social skills, we recommend not to dwell on that disappointment. Shrug it off! Sometimes you get a gift, sometimes you don’t.

(4) What to do if you get a card

When a card is stuck to the front of a present, teach your children to open the card first. Taking the time to read the card shows the giver that you care about them, not just about what you are getting. Also, if there is no gift but there is a card, prep your kids on etiquette when it comes to appreciating a card by itself. Young children are unlikely to care deeply about words on a card, but you can still model appreciation in the moment.

Lastly, don’t feel bad if your child exhibits inappropriate holiday behavior. Believe us, this is very common! All of the excitement about the holidays can lead to a crash once the parties start happening, sugar starts being eaten and tiredness sets in. Ride the wave, stay consistent – January will be here before you know it!

What to do on Rainy Days

Today's storm has all of the Bay Area stuck indoors, so we thought we'd spare a thought (and some ideas) to parents who are not only working from home today - but also managing the kids! Since you can't send them to the playground right now, here's a list of 10 things you can do inside.

(1) TV
Don't feel bad about it, there are a lot of hours to kill. We recommend limiting TV time on these days to two episodes of a show, or one feature length movie. Pop some popcorn, stay in your PJs and relax.

(2) Computer/iPad
Again, don't feel bad - just make boundaries. Maybe your child needs to have breakfast eaten, teeth and hair brushed, clothes on and bed made... then they can have 20 minutes of an educational game. They will spend the whole day asking for the iPad, so why not create limits that are win-win.

(3) Baking
Provided you have the ingredients ready to roll, what child doesn't love whipping up a cake?

What if the power goes out?

(4) Construction Challenges
How high can they build a tower out of Kapla blocks or Legos? How do they need to alter the foundation or base of the structure to get it taller? How wide can they build a city? How elaborate can the city be? What are the laws of the city? Invent, invent, invent!

(5) Board Games
Dust off that pile of games you have in the garage! Kids love playing board games with their parents, because it's an opportunity to level the playing field when it comes to finances, experiences and strategy. Playing board games is also a great way for kids to learn communication, wise financial moves and deals.

(6) Craft
Craft can be anything, made from whatever you have lying around. Extend your child's creativity by not buying fancy craft materials - upcycle garbage and see what becomes of it all. You might just see jet packs out of cereal boxes, wands made out of sticks and cars made from old packing boxes.

(7) The "Hat Game"
This one is great for times when you're waiting. What kinds of hats can you name? Take turns until nobody can think of any more hats. For example; police hat, baseball hat, beanie, fez, beret...

(8) Word at a time story
This is another great "waiting" game - each say one word at a time, building on what the last person has said. Sometimes you'll need boundaries around potty talk, or saying "then he died" (which finishes the whole story). Most importantly, this game causes children to build on the ideas of others instead of stealing the spotlight for themselves.

(9) Drawing Games
Fold a piece of paper in three parts. One person draws a crazy head, then passes the paper to the person beside them. That person draws in the middle section of the paper, a completely unrelated and creative torso. Then the paper is passed again, where another person draws funny feet. Open up the paper and... voila! You have a crazy monster.
(NB: Don't forget to extend the neck to the second third of the page, and the legs to the third, so that the picture connects in all the right places)

(10) Junk Mail "shopping"
Since it's the holidays, grab that pile of junk mail and do some "window" shopping. Each page of the catalogue has numerous kid-friendly items, and children can play in partners by quickly pointing to one item that they would like on the page. If someone already chose it, they have to choose something else. This game is a great way to explain the idea that sometimes we want things, and we can really like things, but we don't need to buy them. We can pretend to buy something and also have fun. 

Surviving the Party Season

So, we've made it through Thanksgiving and Halloween! Hopefully you're on the other side with enough sanity to make it through December. The party season has only just begun, so we have some tips for making this season one of success for families whose kids have social anxiety and sensory sensitivities.

(1) Prep! 
Let your child know in advance which parties they have been invited to join, and what they can expect when they arrive. Who will be there? What kind of food might be there? Which food can/can't your child eat? What is the strategy for situations that need adult intervention?

(2) Break Space
Find a physical space for your child to take a break when he needs it. If you're attending a house party, ask the host if you can use a bedroom for a cool-down zone - or if it's a daytime party - maybe take a walk around the block if things get rough. Have a plan and focus on preventing meltdowns instead of just fixing the damage after they've already happened.

(3) Short 'n Sweet
Don't expect your child to stay regulated for hours at a party. Learn to leave before the meltdown happens - always aim to leave on a positive note. This might mean staying for 45 minutes and making an excuse to go home, and that is totally OK.

(4) Kid Parties vs. Adult Parties
For events that are geared towards adults, consider getting a babysitter - even if kids are welcome at the party. Some parties are worth attending without your children, so that you can relax and let your hair down. For all you know, the choice to leave the kids at home could be very mutually beneficial - they might enjoy pizza and a movie with the babysitter more than a hectic party.

(5) Be Flexible
You might need to loosen your standards on behavior when it comes to a party. Watch the other (possibly typically developing) kids and see how they are behaving - some craziness is allowed at a party! Sensory sensitive kids tend to have a hard time knowing when to calm down after high-energy situations at parties - this is where you step in. Coach your child through calming down by taking a break and providing deep pressure, like a bear hug. Take five minutes to read a quiet book together, then go back to the festivities.

How to be a Visitor

When you have kids, visiting other people's houses can be a nerve wracking experience - especially when the house you're visiting isn't kid-proof. By teaching your child how to be a good visitor, you will have less stress, and more fun visiting others.

These are 5 rules of thumb

(1) Always say, "Hello," and, "Goodbye," to the host. For extra credit points, all people (not just kids) should say, "Thank you," to the host.
(2) Always bring something. Even if the host says that they don't want you to bring something, teach your kids to bring flowers, a drawing or a card.
(3) Always ask. Unless you're very familiar with the house you're visiting, show your child the value of asking. Have them ask if they need food or drink, have them ask if they want to touch something valuable, have them ask if they would like to use a toy or a game. Always ask.
(4) Always eat at the table. Teach your kids that they need to stay put, so they don't traipse food and sticky fingers throughout the house.
(5) Always follow the host's lead. If you can see the host looking bored, tired or uncomfortable, it might be time to leave. Teach your child to pay attention to people's faces and body language - only stay for as long as you're welcome!

Good luck!

Interview with Amy Fitzgerald

Amy Fitzgerald is the Director of Program Development and Education Support at Kahlon Family Services. Because she has over a decade of experience working with children of all ages and developmental stages, we have interviewed her this week about her work.
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Tell us a bit about what you do
I work as a Behavior Specialist in various capacities, with clients all over the Bay Area. At Kahlon Family Services we have chosen not to have an office location on purpose, because we value working with children in their everyday environments. I work in homes, schools and out in the community, teaching kids to be aware of their environment and to react to the world around them in socially appropriate ways.

How do you help children understand their environment? 
The ability to observe a situation and respond appropriately is something that most people take for granted. Many children on the Autism spectrum have a hard time understanding the world that exists outside of their own mind, so our job is to observe for them and share these observations with the child. For example, when we take kids with social differences out to a coffee shop, we will observe that there may not be any tables left or that our favorite pastry might be sold out. We will observe that the people in front and behind us in the line need personal space, and we will know not to talk to somebody who looks like they want to be left alone. We use these observations to show the child what is happening, and coach them through socially appropriate responses to their environment.

How do you do this in schools? 
Children with social learning delays have a hard time dealing with their peers. We help kids by making them aware of the energy level in the classroom and coaching them to match the environment. In the playground, we help kids join a group by first observing what is going on - then making a plan for joining the group. Basically, we externalize the processes that go on inside our heads before we do something.

Can these skills be taught? 
I believe they can be. For people on the Autism spectrum, social skills will never be automatic, but like anything - the more you practice the better you get. If someone learns social skills by rote, they have still learned the skill. Early intervention really helps with preparing a child for life.

When should a parent seek professional help for their child? 
If your child has received an Autism diagnosis, we recommend that you have an early intervention team with professionals such as Occupational Therapists and Behavior Specialists. Most children, however, do not have an official diagnosis. If you suspect that your child has delays in social development, you have nothing to lose by contacting a professional. Taking your child to a developmental pediatrician, occupational therapist and behavior specialist will give you some piece of mind about the road ahead for your family.

What advice can you give to parents? 
Don't wait! The formative years are between 0-8yrs, and early intervention is key to setting your child up for success. No intervention is unnecessary. Also, if you have an older child who hasn't received an early intervention, start the intervention now. Any progress is amazing, and will help your entire family function and enjoy each other's company.

To Reward, or not to Reward

Parenting is a tough gig.
If you have a child - or if you're going to have a child - you are aware that parents can be quick to judge one another about choices made. Because everyone is different, everyone's parenting style will also differ. The idea of providing rewards to children for positive behavior, is one that divides parents - so we would like to offer you some pros and cons.

CONS
*Rewarding creates the expectation that every time a child behaves appropriately, something external will be given. This can lead to meltdowns, and general confusion in young children.
*External rewards can promote external motivation for "doing the right thing" vs. the internal motivation of doing what has been expected.
*Rewards are often junk food based, which can lead to unhealthy eating patterns in adulthood.

PROS
*A cumulative reward system can provide a longer-term motivation for a child who is working on modifying certain behaviors.
*Rewards can be experience based, which offer opportunities to create lasting memories with family members. Be careful that you're not basing all your coffee dates, trips to the movies and family outings on behavior, as this may feel as though bonding is conditional.
*Young children, or kids who have delayed development can benefit from the concrete nature of a reward system as a stepping stone towards more intrinsic behavior management plans.

Decide what works best for your family, and always keep the big picture in mind. 

YEAS Open House

Last Saturday night we pulled off an incredibly successful mixer, promoting the YEAS (Yoga Education for Autism Spectrum) program. It was a team effort - bringing together the families of past and present clients, as well as many people who have supported Kahlon Family Services through the years.

With good food, good wine and great company we managed to raise around $1000 to kickstart the products that we need to make in order to make YEAS a reality. With this money, we will be purchasing materials to create backpacks full of teaching tools that allow this yoga program to be accessible to children on the Autism Spectrum.

We would like to thank all who were involved, and we look forward to following through with the Indiegogo perks soon.

-With love from the KFS Team  

A Brand New Day

When you feel like your child is driving you to the brink  of insanity, take a breath. This will pass. This week we want to remind you that you're parenting the whole child, a reality that is glaringly obvious, yet so easy to forget. Your job is not to be a "perfect parent," because those do not exist. Your job is to do the best you can.

We believe that no matter what has happened the day before, each day is made new. If your child has behaved in a way that has made it hard for you to forgive, make a conscious choice to move on and start each day fresh. Genuine forgiveness is a process, and depending on the situation, it may take some time to get there. In the meantime, make the choice to move beyond.

If you're wondering how to make forgiveness part of your family's culture, we have some tips to strengthening that area of your life.

(1) Deal with it openly, in the moment

When something happens, deal with it then and there. If your child is delayed in empathy development, or has a hard time knowing what others are thinking, label your emotions and theirs. For example, "I felt very angry that you decided to do that," or "When you ran away from me, I yelled at you because I felt scared that I might lose you." You can label your child's emotion, while modeling an empathic response, "You were sad when you didn't get what you wanted. I know you were sad, I saw you crying. I am sorry that you felt so sad."

(2) Allow consequences
Depending on what has happened, there will be consequences. Some of our best parenting moves come from allowing natural consequences to do their thing, because this is how our children learn about the world. If you ask your child 10 times to come away from the water's edge, and they don't listen, they may fall in. If they fall, your child will have to be live with the uncomfortable consequences of wet clothes. Next time your child is near water, they'll have learned to stand back.

(3) Don't bring it up again 
You will need to pre-decide that you will not throw past offenses back in your child's face. It can be so tempting in those moments of frustration, where your child is pushing you to the edge. You want to say, "What about when-" but we challenge you to bite your tongue. Today is a new day. If what your child has done is still offending you long after the fact, ask yourself if the event has triggered anything that has more to do with your past, rather than your child's present.

(4) Model humility and apology
Forgiveness isn't just about you extending a hand to your child. You will make mistakes, and say things which you wish had never come out of your mouth. When you feel as though your actions have crossed the line, model what it looks like to "make it right." An apology of action is when you do something to apologize, rather than just saying "sorry." How can you apologize with an action?

(5) Every day is a new day
If you're brave enough, make this a family value. It's obviously easier said than done, but this way of living will promote timely conflict resolution, emotional health and longevity of relationships. Practicing forgiveness with your spouse will protect your marriage from crumbling over a mountain of cumulated offenses and strengthen your communication.

Today is a brand new day. 

Pursuing a Relationship with your Child

Being a parent is a busy job. Between keeping up with the logistics of your household, endless appointments and holding down a job - you've got a lot on your plate. Getting to know your children, on a deeper level, doesn't just happen by osmosis. If you're having trouble connecting with your kids, we have some tips to help you pursue the relationship.

(1) Kids spell love "T-I-M-E"
You may not think that you can do much with that 15 minute drive from school to ballet. We think you can! Put down your phone, that call can wait. Most kids are really tired after school, so they may not want to talk about their day straight away. Ask one specific, open question about their day, such as; "Who did you spend recess with?", "What did you learn in math today?", or "What kind of books did you borrow from the library today?" You'll soon gauge if they're ready to talk, or just need you to be present with them.

(2) Meet them where they're at
This one uses some intuition - find the best way to connect, for that child, for that moment. Spending time with your kids should be something that is both planned and spontaneous. When you're planning individual time with a child, think beyond what you would like to do, and how you can do something that you both enjoy. If your child isn't a big talker, a "coffee date" might not work. Tasks like rollerskating, going to the movies or shopping for something the child needs, could be more successful.

(3) Pursue, don't force
If your child doesn't like to be physically affectionate, don't push it. That may be hard for you, but remember that relationships are a two-way street. Each person has a way of expressing and receiving love, and you may be surprised to find your child rolls differently than you. Spend some time thinking about what your child's 'love language' may be, and come at your relationship from that angle.

(4) Use key times 
Driving in the car, at the dinner table and just before bed are usually the best times for parents to ask the big questions. Listen for what's going on socially for your child, the way in which they talk about themselves and others, and what their current interests are. You are not simply your child's friend - whether or not they'll admit it - they need your guidance. Listen first, then guide.

(5) Reward with experiences
If you're working on a behavior chart with a cumulative reward, we encourage families to give an experience as a reward. The best kinds of experiences are ones that bring mutual joy to both parents and children, as they will ultimately bring your family closer together. Try ditching that lego set or Barbie as motivation, and focus on how to build a strong family unit. Go out for ice cream together if the chart is full - go rock climbing, take a parent-child hike, go Build-a-Bear! Just do it together. 

The Special Needs Parent's Guide to Babysitters

It's no secret that families with children who have special needs tend to go through babysitters pretty quickly. We have come up with a list of ways that may help you find and keep the perfect sitter.

(1) Be Honest
If you have neglected to notify the babysitter of your child's differences, don't be surprised when they run for the hills. Maybe this babysitter knows nothing about special needs, maybe they are not suited to care for your child and maybe, just maybe, the babysitter needed some forewarning. This does not include saying, "By the way - he has Autism!" as you're leaving the house. Yes, this actually happens!

(2) Be Safe
You wouldn't believe how quickly some parents will leave their child with a virtual stranger. Meet the babysitter in advance, talk about their past experiences with special needs and take a picture of their driver's license. It may seem over-the-top, but your children's lives are in this person's hands!

(3) Be Considerate 
Most parents take around 10-15 minutes to leave the house once a babysitter arrives. This is the usual length of time to finish up getting ready, and prep the babysitter with everything he or she needs to know. Making your goodbyes exorbitantly long, or hanging around the house longer than 15 minutes will make the babysitter's job ten times harder. After saying a genuine goodbye, please leave the house. A quality babysitter will provide comfort to a crying child, and reassurance that you love them and will eventually return.

(4) Be Prepared
Don't expect a babysitter to prepare an elaborate meal for your kids. If you would like your child to eat something fancier than Mac 'n Cheese or pizza, make it yourself and leave it for the babysitter to reheat. Lay out the child's clothes, diapers or PJs, so the sitter doesn't have to rifle through drawers trying to find what they need. Having done this in advance, you'll be able to leave the house quickly when the time comes.

(5) Be Exceptional 
Babysitters will return to families whose children they enjoy, houses where they feel welcome and parents who pay well. In San Francisco, the cost of living is high, so expect to pay upwards of $15 an hour for a regular babysitter - more for respite specialists. Make sure you leave a meal for your babysitter, unless they have told you that they would prefer to bring their own food. Even so, a sneaky chocolate bar for when the kids go to bed should win the heart of any self-respecting babysitter! Have your children draw your babysitter a picture, or make a thank you card - do whatever it takes to show your babysitter you appreciate them!

You can't change your child's special needs, but you can change your own behavior when it comes to keeping a babysitter. If this has been your battle, hopefully these tips will help change your babysitting journey for the better.

Bedtime Battles

How can you make bedtime less of a battle? Despite the sleep problems which may make it hard for your child to fall and stay asleep, you can do your part to make bedtime a breeze.

(1) Routine
When we are consulting with parents whose children are up until "all hours", they are often surprised that their kids can be in bed a whole lot earlier than they expect. Children on the Autism Spectrum will thrive on routine, and it is our belief that most kids are more successful when they have an expectation of what is coming next. Because we don't fall asleep the minute our heads touch the pillow, the pre-bedtime routine is important for calming bodies and preparing for sleep.

An example routine for a child under 8 may be:

6pm - Dinner
6:20pm - Bath/Shower
6:30pm - Brush teeth, bathroom, PJs
6:35pm - Bedtime stories with a parent (in bed)
6:55pm - "Goodnight"
7pm - Lights Out

(2) Environment
If your child has a hard time sleeping, do your best to make the bedroom a place for sleep only. Put all toys in another room, and use lamplight only from the time the child has his PJs on. Light-blocking curtains are highly recommended for kids struggling with sleep. Essential oils can help to fragrance the room with calming scents, but may not always be welcomed by sensory sensitive kids. When the lights go out, a white-noise machine, fan or calming music can help to send your child to sleep.

(3) Expectations
While having compassion for your child's genuine sleep problems, do you have a realistic expectation for bedtime? Is it OK for your child to come out of his/her room after lights out? Is crawling into your bed at 3am a viable option? Is asking for a sandwich 10 minutes after lights-out something you'd be OK with? We're not asking you to be inflexible, but we're asking you to think of what usually happens at bedtime and set some expectations for your kids.

(4) Toolkit
Now that you have expectations, let's equip your children with a "toolkit" that they can use when sleep does not come easily. Yoga is a great way to prepare your body for sleep - get your body into poses where your head is below your heart for a boost of relaxation. Teaching your child deep breathing methods will also help send them to sleep. Don't assume that your child knows what "deep breathing" means, because this is a skill that h as to be taught. Playing guided meditation can also be very effective in keeping your kids' heads on their pillows.

(5) Plan
Sit down with your child and make a plan regarding what happens if they don't fall asleep quickly - or wake up in the night. First, do you have a set amount of time where they must actively lay in bed before coming out to you? A digital clock may give you some support, if your child is old enough to recognize the numbers. You could ask that he/she lay in bed until at least 30min-1hr after the time that the lights have been turned out. You could explicitly teach your child items from the "toolkit" or talk about how you fall asleep.

We hope that making  a plan for bedtime will help you and your family tackle these frustrations head-on. Sweet dreams!

Homework Blues

One of our favorite apps - Time Timer

The back-to-school transition presents a new struggle - the homework blues! Does your child hate homework? Most of them do, so don't be surprised when they put up a fight. While we can't guarantee that we can make your child love homework, we have some tips for creating a homework space that will help your child make their after-school learning easier.

(1) Physical Space

Your child needs a consistent, physical space to do homework. Until your child can work productively and independently, you should put the homework space somewhere you can see. The kitchen table is perfect in a child's younger years. Make sure the physical space is clear, having only the child's workbooks on the table - and no screens in sight, unless they directly relate to the homework. If you have more than one child doing homework, set them up for success by putting one at the table, one at the counter etc. If they are too close together, they will probably get off-task pretty quickly. 

(2) Sensory Space

Is the clothes dryer running? Is the dishwasher making sounds? Is the dog roaming around the room? Is there a ticking clock? Did someone leave their stinky shoes too close to the homework space? All of this sensory input will take away from a sensory-sensitive child's productivity, and can be avoided at homework time. 

(3) Staying Seated

Make sure your child has everything they need to stay seated for the duration of their homework session. Look through the homework, and have your child identify every item they will need. Collect the calculator, the ruler, the text book all before they begin. Have them eat, drink and use the bathroom before homework time. The exception to this "rule" is that most kids will need the occasional "body break." Every ten minutes or so, allow them to get up and do a controlled activity like 10 Jumping Jacks, or 20 Cross Crawls. These activities will keep their bodies and brains active, while redirecting them back on task. 

(4) Independence

At every stage, and every age, we encourage parents to give the onus of homework to the child. By all means, sit with your child and help them to understand what is being asked of them - but do your best not to spoon-feed your child the answers. While they will turn in a perfect homework page, their teacher will notice the gap between what they do at school and at home. Use every homework opportunity to teach your child how to problem-solve. Think of this as a life-skill, instead of a solely academic task. 

(5) Productivity

As pictured at the top of the page, the Time Timer app can really help kids stay on task with their homework. The red portion reduces, as time passes. This way, young children get a sweeping sense of time passing, while older children have a visual way to see how long they have to complete a task. We know plenty of adults who use this app to stay on task for set periods of time. 

We love helping parents connect, and share experiences - so if you have any other homework space tips, feel free to add them in the comments section. 

MOVE WITH ME - Interview with Leah Kalish & Vanessa Kahlon

Back to School

It's that time of year again! In a few short weeks our kids will be back at school - and with school comes transition, early mornings and new routines. If you're feeling a little stressed out by that thought, we have some ideas to keep you sane in the meantime. 

(1) Look after yourself

You are not doing yourself any favors by neglecting your self care. As parents, you need to make sure that you are sleeping as well as possible, eating right, taking a break (when you can) and pursuing some interests outside of caring for your children. Learn to spend at least 10 minutes a day doing something you like, and getting to know yourself better. 

(2) Look after your relationship

Cultivate your romantic life! Remember why you got together with your significant other, and spend some time falling in love all over again. With that love, you will parent your children in a more powerful way. Be a strong team!

(3) Involve your kids in the preparations

If you are covering school books, writing names on materials, sticking name tags on lunch boxes - involve your kids! This is all part of the back-to-school process. You will help create a smooth transition by talking about new schedules, and driving by the school. Give them all the information they need ahead of time, and monitor any anxieties that may be coming up. Now you have time to work through them. 

(4) Start waking your kids up earlier and going to bed on time

Circadian rhythms help the body to know when to eat, sleep and wake up. Give your kids a head start by getting their bodies into the school routine by waking them up at their school day time, giving them meals at the times they would eat during the school year and having them go to bed early. This is going to be unpopular with older kids, but at least 3 days of this routine will benefit them tremendously when school goes back. 

Interview with Mari Rutkin

This week, we are lucky enough to be talking about preschool life with Mari Rutkin. 

Mari currently works as a Site Administrator for the Early Education Department of the San Francisco Unified School District, and is a passionate childhood development specialist.

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1.      In your opinion, what makes a preschool room a happy, healthy place to be?

A happy healthy preschool classroom is a place where children feel loved, respected and safe. Those classrooms are places where children are valued as individuals and where their developmental strengths and weaknesses are supported and developed. A happy, healthy preschool room helps students to build a strong foundation of knowledge that will ensure they are ready for success in school.

2.      What are some common blindspots you see with teachers?                                                                                                                                I think the biggest blind spot that I have seen is that teachers do not always engage families in their children’s education.  Building a strong relationship with open communication with families is a terrible disservice to both families and teachers in supporting student learning and development.

3.      Do you notice a correlation between happy kids and their ability to learn at school? 

Absolutely!  Children cannot and will not learn if they don’t feel both physically and emotionally safe in their environment. Children must build caring and positive relationships with their teachers in order for them to be able to learn.

4.      If you could design a classroom, what would it look like? How would the teachers behave? 

My ideal classroom would have a caring and warm feeling when you walk in the door. There should be natural light and cheerful artwork and pictures on the wall that are representative of the children in the classroom.  There should be materials and resources that are accessible to students, organized in a way to address the different developmental needs of students.  There should be a quiet or reading area where there are soft cushions for students to lounge in while they examine books and write, an area for emergent writing where students can write and draw, and an area for science and/or math. In order to enhance student’s learning opportunities, establish a number of smaller, quiet areas where children can go to explore. A preschool classroom should have designated areas for dramatic play where students can engage in social play and manipulatives where students can work with puzzles or other games. 

Teachers would create and maintain a positive climate where students feel free to take risks in their education and learning. Teachers would maintain clear communication and expectations with children and their families and encourage family involvement in both the school community and classrooms.

5.      What kinds of behavior management strategies have you seen work well in a preschool room? 

 The best behavior management strategies that I have seen work well in preschool are:

-CONSISTENCY!

-Setting clear and realistic expectations and limits

-Redirection of unsafe or unwanted behavior using both verbal and non-verbal cues

-Building conflict resolution skills

-Recognizing and dealing with inappropriate behaviors and/or strong emotions

-I’ll say it again, CONSISTENCY!

6.      What kinds of strategies would you recommend that teachers avoid? 

I would recommend teachers avoid inconsistency-specifically when it comes to recognizing and dealing with problematic behaviors in the classrooms. Teachers should also avoid planning and implementing practices or activities that are not developmentally appropriate to their students.  Developmentally Appropriate Practices or DAP refers to promoting children’s optimal learning and development by meeting children at their current developmental level both as an individual child as well as part of a group.

7.      Why do you love your job? 

Preschool offers such an amazing opportunity to address the development of the whole child. I love being to coach and support teachers so that they can provide meaningful experiences for your children and their families.  Watching relationships and skills build and develop over the course of a school or program year among students and their school communities is an incredible gift.

YEAS Training in San Francisco - This Weekend!

** Time change - Sunday's session will be 1-6pm **

Positive Parenting Meetup!

Have you checked out Meetup.com? We have just launched our very first Meetup for Wednesday July 16th, at Cafe La Flore on Clement and 10th Ave. Here's our official link - http://www.meetup.com/SF-positive-parenting-group

These groups are absolutely FREE, and will be happening on the 3rd Wednesday of every month from 6:30-7:30pm. The aim of the group is to get together and talk about how to establish strong family relationships - as well as leaving time for Q&A. Our approach is customized to your needs.

We want to help San Franciscan families flourish, despite the difficulty of raising kids in this crazy city. Please go to the site and RSVP - we want to see your lovely face at the Meetup!

Half-Day Summer Camp

Are you looking for a morning summer camp for your child?
We are offering a 9am-12pm camp for elementary aged kids!

During the summer, shorter camp days offer your child an opportunity to learn and grow with others - but also take a break in the afternoon. Our camp is focused around seeing your child change and grow, so that in itself is really hard work. If your child does better with shorter days, we have the program for you.

If you're wondering what we get up to, the Kahlon Family Services Summer Camp is based on creating concrete opportunities to develop in the specific areas of need. We customize our program to the needs of your child (and family), while working on self-regulation, self-control and understanding how to act appropriately when out in the community. We are very practical and goals-oriented in our approach, working within a structured outline, but stopping to address the needs of the moment.

If you are interested in dates and costs, please don't hesitate to contact us on info@kahlonfamilyservices.com

Interview with Helen Sui

This week on The Spectrum, we talk to Helen Sui from Parents Place about life as a mother of a child with Autism. Also, Vanessa Kahlon will be speaking at Parent's Place on July 9th.
Enjoy!

(1) Tell us a bit about your support group

Parents Place support group started in October of 2011 by Andjana Pachkova and her husband Martin Herbst. They were looking for a support group that dealt more with the emotional aspects of having a child with ASD. They wanted to find a place where they could share their feelings with other families about the grief they were going through and with the help of a staff member at Parents Place started the group. Today our group still share our ups and downs and families also more than happy to exchange resources/recommendations, a helping hand or a hug.  We meet most every first Wednesday of the month from 6:00pm  to 7:30pm. Being a part of this group has been a great experience. I've learn so much from all these wonderful parents I've met through the years and am amazed by their courage, strength and perseverance. When I see and listen to people like that it is contagious and I want to be a part of that. 

(2) What was the most difficult aspect to accept when your son was diagnosed with ASD? How did you come to terms with the diagnosis?

The most difficult aspect to accept for my  son was that there might be might limitations to my husband's and my dreams and hopes for his future. I think everyone wants the stars and moons for their children's future and when we got the diagnosis, we started to question what is still possible for our son.

My turning point in acceptance  was probably three months after my son's diagnosis—I decided to go to Parents Place's support group meeting. I was feeling lost as to what to do for our son and still on the mend with his diagnosis. I knew I needed to get my act together for our son's sake and going to that meeting was a wake up call I needed. After the meeting I realized my husband and I were not alone, there were other families going through what we were, and being successful in providing great quality of life for their children. I found mentors and wonderful people who understood my feelings and validated them.

(3) When you meet families whose children have been recently diagnosed, have you been surprised by similarities between their journey to accepting the diagnosis?

I feel everyone is unique in their own journey of accepting their child's diagnosis, but perhaps we all go through stages and not always in the same order. Shock/denial, isolation, anger, grief/loss, and acceptance.

(4) What advice would you give to families who are having a hard time coming to terms with an ASD diagnosis? 

The best advice I could give someone is to not be afraid to ask for help. A lot of times families feel they must go it alone, because "no one understands" what you are going through or they are still not ready to share their news. When you go to a support group you meet families going through the same thing or have gone through it, this makes a huge difference. It validates all the feelings you are going through. People listen, understand and offer up ideas/hugs. It's a great community to be a part of and it gives you strength. When you see other families living and succeeding with the similar trials you have, you think to yourself, if they can do it so can I. 

(5) Do you have any books or websites to recommend to families? 

Websites: these are sites and groups I've relied on mainly because these are sites with parents speaking from experience and are communities dedicated to helping others.

http://www.supportforfamilies.org

http://autismbayarea.org- this is also a magazine this site has connections to all kinds of resources and specific support groups

http://www.sfautismsociety.org

Peninsula Parents of Special Needs Kids listserv (PPSNK)

groups.yahoo.com/group/peninsulaparentssnk

Autism Intervention Bay Area listserv (yahoo group)

https://groups.yahoo.com/group/AutismInterventionBayArea

www.autismspeaks.org

Books

Autism Revolution by Dr. Martha Herbert and Karen Weintraub

The Out-of-sync Child Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder by Carol Stock Kranowitz

Engaging Autism by Stanley I. Greenspan

How to Get Through a Meltdown

Meltdowns are part of life for people with developmental delays. You know what it's like that moment before the meltdown starts; you know the triggers, you see the frustration on your child's face, you hear the noises they make before the storm begins. Then it happens - they yell, they cry, they throw things, they hurt themselves and others. You feel your anxiety levels amp up, because you know that you are the person who needs to help them through it, yet you feel as though there's nothing you can do.

While this might not help every situation, we have developed a few ways in which you can bare through the mighty meltdowns in your family:

(1) Catch the triggers and prevent
Prevention is better than cure. Can you alter the environment to avoid typical frustrations? Can you catch the early signs (e.g. noises, mannerisms) and remove the child from the situation?

(2) Retreat
Go somewhere quiet - especially if you are in public. There's nothing worse than the stares of strangers, judging you without knowing the full story. Find a quiet corner in the mall, beeline back to the car, find a vacant bedroom when you're at somebody's house. Just go somewhere quiet.

(3) Prioritize safety and damage control 
This might be a good time for a "bear hug". Hold your child close, to avoid them hurting themselves or others. What can you do to help your child stay safe, and not regret their actions later on?

(4) Sit and wait - then wait some more
Once your child seems to be calming down, don't start talking. Wait far longer than you think they'll need. Test the waters by asking something - if they start yelling again, they're not ready. Wait again. Once your child can talk without losing control of their body, then move to the next phase.

(5) Explain
When the coast is clear, explain the situation with empathy. Acknowledge how the child felt, while helping them to understand why they can't have what they want.

(6) Fast forgiveness
Decide to forgive quickly. You will not feel like it, but make a rule that you won't bring it up again. Leave it, and move on.

(7) Affectionate response
The first action of forgiveness, is to give your child something positive. A word of affirmation, a hug, read a story and cuddle, or share a meal together. As the adult, your job is to show unconditional love. You are not affirming "bad behavior" - remember, you dealt with the behavior - now you're affirming the child.

(8) Repair
Avoid asking your child to say, "Sorry," to someone when you know it's not a heartfelt apology. Instead, focus more on repairing the situation. If your child needs to make an apology of action to another person, have them "fix" what was broken. If it means physically fixing an item they broke, give them some tape and let them fix it. If it's giving ice to someone who is hurt, show them to the freezer and have them wrap it in paper towel. Remember - the repair is not for you, or even the other party. You are showing your child how to make "right" the wrongs in their life. This is a powerful life lesson.

Summer Camp!

-- BREAKING NEWS! Summer Camp is now happening June 30-July4! Enroll your child today! -- 

Summer camp is underway at Kahlon Family Services headquarters this week, and we couldn't be more thrilled with how our first camp is taking shape. With a heavy focus on behavior and social skills, our campers have already been taking risks and learning how to think about the needs of others.

If you're wondering what our day looks like, we always start off with yoga. We are pioneering some field research when it comes to the benefits of our yoga program on the daily affect of the kids involved, by taking statistics on the child's mood/anxiety levels before and after the yoga session has taken place. We don't just want to present another yoga class to your child, we want to be sure that it's an effective life skills tool.

We have a set schedule for camp, with slight variations on a daily basis to provide an opportunity for the kids to use flexible thinking strategies. We endeavor to undertake the most physically challenging tasks in the morning while the day is new, by taking the campers to an obstacle course nearby and working on gross motor skills.

Back at the headquarters, we have been working on projects that encourage our campers to change the behaviors they are struggling with, in order to build a better life for themselves. For example, we work on size of the problem (e.g. Big problems deserve big reactions, small problems deserve small reactions), Superflex (Michele Garcia-Winner curriculum) and other activities specifically customized to meet the specific child's needs.

It wouldn't be summer camp without field trips! Because everything we do has an underlying behavioral purpose, we take field trips that help feed our goals. We are taking a trip to the beach, while stopping at a cafe for a snack. At the beach, kids need to agree on a shared activity and stay within a set boundary. Also, we are taking a trip to Golden Gate Park, for a picnic and some time at the De Young Museum. During this time, our campers are learning about which kinds of foods others may enjoy at a picnic, how to behave socially around mealtime outdoors and being out in the community.

Yoga is the "bookends" of our day, and we love ending with our second yoga session. We focus on breath work, daily meditation and mindfulness.

If you are interested in having your child join us in the upcoming weeks, contact us today at info@kahlonfamilyservices.com

Dealing with Sleep Problems

Most children on the Autism Spectrum have a hard time falling and staying asleep at night. There are many reasons why this is the case, including but not limited to; anxiety, dysregulated circadian rhythm, and problems with digestion. Sleep deprivation will lead to a downward spiral in a child's behavior, and a parent's ability to cope with the challenges of life. While we can't wave a magic wand over the sleep habits of your child, we can offer a few suggestions that may help.

(1) Turn off the screen

We recommend that screen time ends at least one hour before bedtime - that means TV, iPad, Kindle - anything with a screen. The content that we see on these screens stimulates our brains and tricks us into staying awake longer. Make sure that there is a set place to put all handheld devices at night, and we highly recommend taking the TV out of your child's bedroom. If they can't sleep, the devices will be the first thing they reach for - this will perpetuate the problem.

(2) Be light sensitive 

Our bodies need to know the difference between night and day - we do this with melatonin, the hormone that regulates our sleep/wake cycle. Summer time can pose a problem, with the sun staying up until 9pm, you will need to have some tricks up your sleeve. From experience, we can highly recommend light-blocking curtains in your child's bedroom. Eat dinner early, take a relaxing bath and spend as much as an hour in your child's darkened bedroom with lamp light, reading stories so that their brain thinks it's dark outside.

(3) Routine is key 
Every day, keep a routine! Yes, the reality is that some days you will stray from the routine, and that is part of teaching flexible thinking. A regular day calls for a regular routine, and bedtime routines are vital. We recommend; dinner, warm bath with lavender, extended time of relaxation (including bedtime stories) and lights out.

Good luck! 

Finishing the School Year

Going from one grade to another is a big step for all kids, especially those with special needs. Since routine is so important to people with Autism, there is no doubt that the long summer break and stepping up to the next grade is stressful. As a parent, you can't change the seasonal flow of life to fit your child's comfort level, but you can focus on finishing the school year well and setting your child up for success until Fall.

(1) Get an accurate/honest assessment from your child's classroom teacher about how they're doing in class (and socially on the playground)

Some teachers feel shy about telling parents what their child is struggling with, especially at the end of the school year. Tell your child's teacher that you can handle it, and would like to know an honest report of their strengths and weaknesses so that you can prepare the child's next teacher. This is particularly pertinent if you are changing schools, but even when you are staying at the same school, it is good for you to communicate directly with teachers. You are your child's biggest advocate, but also remember, teachers are professionals and even when speaking with them directly - be respectful! Getting off on the wrong foot with your child's new teacher can effect your child's relationship with the teacher, and their education.

(2) Make a big calendar of what the next few months look like

If you have the space, make a big calendar of June, July & August and post them on a wall in your house. Write on the calendar what is happening - when does school finish? When does school go back? When is summer camp? When are you going on vacation? If your child isn't able to read yet, use visual symbols and explain what they mean. At some point every day, go over this calendar together.

(3) Make closure concrete by having your child write cards/give gifts

Prepare your child with a gift for the teacher, and something small for all the kids. Use the last weekend of the school year to sit down and write something that your child appreciates about each classmate on a little card. If writing fatigues your child, write it yourself with their ideas. This ritual will help your child realize that the year is ending and things are changing. Making a ritual of closure can help more than you know.

(4) Weave some kind of routine into every summer day 

No matter what happens over your summer, make "bookends". This means that you keep the start and the end the same. Maybe you wake up with a certain song and have the same breakfast every day, and go to bed with a different song and a certain ritual. No matter where in the world you find yourself, keep some familiar routines!

Good luck with the end of the school year from all of us at Kahlon Family Services.
xx

Limiting Distraction

If a member of your family is on the Autism Spectrum, you will know what a hard time they have with keeping their attention on the right thing at the right time. Whether your child is at school, at home, or out in the community, there are ways to limit the distractions they face. After all, by limiting distractions, you're setting your child up for success.

(1) Expect eye contact
In every context, you should expect your child to make eye contact when given a direction. This may be hard for kids with Autism, but not impossible. Eye contact might be uncomfortable and take a lot of effort, but this is a life skill that will help teach kids how to pay attention.

(2) Invest in noise canceling headphones
Noise canceling headphones can be fancy (electronic, with white noise etc.) or basic. Having a pair on hand will be helpful for situations where you can't control how noisy the environment will become. Have some at home, and some in your backpack when you're out and about.

(3) Create a calm homework environment
Think about where your child is expected to do homework - is it calm? Calm environments are not cluttered, are free from the temptations of electronic devices/screens, as quiet as possible, and away from toys. You can also purchase or make "office spaces" with cardboard visual barriers that help kids look only at the work in front of them. It may seem odd to restrict what your child can see, but these barriers can really help with productivity and independence.

(4) Pause for instructions
If you have something you need to tell your child, but they are watching TV, playing on the iPad or on the computer - have them pause. Do not expect your child to pay attention to what you're saying while they are watching and listening to something else. To be honest, your "boring" instruction of "Dinner's ready!" or "Take out the garbage!" is less interesting than Minecraft. Ask your child to pause, make eye contact, listen to the instruction and... repeat!

(5) Repeat!
Once you have said your instruction, with your child making eye contact, ask him to repeat it back to you. This is another opportunity to see if (a) He heard what you said, and (b) He understands what's being asked of him.

Countdown to Summer Camp!

The weather is certainly heating up in San Francisco this week, reminding us that summer is well and truly on its way! With only a couple of weeks left until our summer camp kicks off, we're going to give you three excellent reasons to sign your child up for the KFS camp:

(1) We can handle unexpected behaviors 
Chances are, if you're reading this blog, you have a child who has some difficult behaviors. When you drop your kids off at a regular summer camp, it's normal to be nervous about how the staff will deal with your child's behavior. Our camp is staffed by behavior specialists - we will not only "handle" the behaviors, we will specifically work on modifying them into productive choices.

(2) You need a break
You don't need to stress out over your child possibly being kicked out of camp due to behavioral reasons. Obviously we take our campers' safety very seriously, but apart from safety issues, we will take care of behaviors and communicate honestly with you. This leaves you, the parent, to enjoy a few carefree hours each day.

(3) We still have space for more campers!
Many San Franciscan summer camps are no longer open for registration - but we are! While we prefer that you sign up ASAP, you're welcome to sign up at the last minute if you have other plans fall through or you have a sudden epiphany that your child simply must attend our camp.  

If you're still not convinced, camp is located on California St (right near Laurel Village) within a block of a Starbucks. Here's to yet another chance for you to get some downtime this summer! For registration information, email info@kahlonfamilyservices.com TODAY!

Self Care

Parents, we implore you to take some time out for yourself.
We know you're thinking about how unrealistic this may seem, but let's talk about some really good reasons why you need to get out and have some parts of your life that don't involve your kids.

(1) Exercise
Making time to move your body won't only effect the parts of yourself that we can see, it will help change the parts of you that can't be seen. Taking time out (by yourself and for yourself) to spend time in the outdoors will work wonders for you, giving you space to think about life as a whole instead of being caught up in the anxiety of each tiny moment.

(2) Making Healthy Food
By nature, food promotes community. A meal brings people together, nourishing bodies and souls at the same time. Food preparation, however, can be done solo - and some people find the process restorative. While your kids are at school, or during the evening after they go to bed, make some time to prepare some healthy treats, or meals in advance. Preparing meals and snacks in advance will free up your afternoon schedule in order to spend more quality time with your kids.

(3) Quiet Time
When you have kids, you basically sign away the rights to any kind of silence for the next 18 years. At any given time, your kids are probably trying to pull your attention in 10 different directions at once through crying, yelling, constantly talking about one very specific topic, following you everywhere or begging you for the iPad. Grab 10 minutes during every day when your kids are at school (or otherwise engaged) and just listen to nothing. No music, no cellphones... just listen to your thoughts and your heartbeat. Use this time to recalibrate your expectations of yourself, your day, your kids, your job, your partner, your family as a whole etc. Think "big picture" - choose to choose your battles.

(4) Adult Time
We can't stress this one enough! Go on a date night with your spouse, or get out on the town with some friends. There's one rule: You can't talk about your kids. Nope. Not even a little bit. Even though your children are your favorite things in the world, you'll benefit greatly from separating yourself for a few hours and just being yourself. Do something you haven't been able to do for years - stay out past midnight, eat at a restaurant with white tablecloths, go see a movie with swear words in it, sit atop a vista point and watch the city lights. This is your time.

You might feel selfish for taking time out when your kids have special needs.  Trust us on this one - you'll be a better parent when you have some time to breathe.  If you have a hard time finding or keeping babysitters because of your child's behavioral needs, remember that at Kahlon Family Services we offer Respite as part of a long list of things we do. If you are interested in our respite services, contact us on info@kahlonfamilyservices.com

Autism Learning Tools DIY

When you have a child with Autism, you soon realize that it costs a lot of money to provide your child with all of the alternative learning tools that they need to stay attentive in school. Since money doesn't grow on trees, this week we bring to you a list of tools that you can make yourself!

(1) Fidgets

A fidget is a small toy that a child can hold while being expected to pay attention in class. Amazon offers stacks of options for wonderful fidget toys, but if you're feeling crafty, you can easily make your own. You'll need; balloons, a funnel, rice/sand/flour and scissors. Fill the balloon with rice, flour or sand and tie the end. Add at least 3-4 balloon layers over the original balloon, because these fidgets can break and make a huge mess!

(2) Weighted Blankets

This will take a little while to develop, but you can make your own weighted blankets with rice, duct tape and ziplock bags. 

This is part one of a YouTube video by user karena02 - if you're interested, check out part two on YouTube.

(3) Chewies

If your child chews on everything, you can find plenty of chewing-appropriate items for sale online. To save money, you can make your own by picking up some food-grade tubing at your local Home Depot . Add some to the end of some pencils, thread it on some colorful string to make a necklace or a bracelet. You can find kid-safe necklace clasps at craft stores like Beverley's, Joann Fabrics or Michael's. 

(4) Sensory Bins

Fill a large plastic bin with dried beans, rice and lentils. Running your hands through one of these is so calming by itself, but you can also create games by hiding items in the bin. 

(5) Flash Cards

Emotions, number sense, sight words and more can be learned from flash cards. The good news is that you can make them yourself! Customize your child's flash cards to exactly what they need help in learning. We recommend that when teaching emotions, you take photos of your own child making faces instead of using "smiley face"/emoticon type faces, because that's not what real faces look like. 

Happy Crafting!