When you feel like your child is driving you to the brink of insanity, take a breath. This will pass. This week we want to remind you that you're parenting the whole child, a reality that is glaringly obvious, yet so easy to forget. Your job is not to be a "perfect parent," because those do not exist. Your job is to do the best you can.
We believe that no matter what has happened the day before, each day is made new. If your child has behaved in a way that has made it hard for you to forgive, make a conscious choice to move on and start each day fresh. Genuine forgiveness is a process, and depending on the situation, it may take some time to get there. In the meantime, make the choice to move beyond.
If you're wondering how to make forgiveness part of your family's culture, we have some tips to strengthening that area of your life.
(1) Deal with it openly, in the moment
When something happens, deal with it then and there. If your child is delayed in empathy development, or has a hard time knowing what others are thinking, label your emotions and theirs. For example, "I felt very angry that you decided to do that," or "When you ran away from me, I yelled at you because I felt scared that I might lose you." You can label your child's emotion, while modeling an empathic response, "You were sad when you didn't get what you wanted. I know you were sad, I saw you crying. I am sorry that you felt so sad."
(2) Allow consequences
Depending on what has happened, there will be consequences. Some of our best parenting moves come from allowing natural consequences to do their thing, because this is how our children learn about the world. If you ask your child 10 times to come away from the water's edge, and they don't listen, they may fall in. If they fall, your child will have to be live with the uncomfortable consequences of wet clothes. Next time your child is near water, they'll have learned to stand back.
(3) Don't bring it up again
You will need to pre-decide that you will not throw past offenses back in your child's face. It can be so tempting in those moments of frustration, where your child is pushing you to the edge. You want to say, "What about when-" but we challenge you to bite your tongue. Today is a new day. If what your child has done is still offending you long after the fact, ask yourself if the event has triggered anything that has more to do with your past, rather than your child's present.
(4) Model humility and apology
Forgiveness isn't just about you extending a hand to your child. You will make mistakes, and say things which you wish had never come out of your mouth. When you feel as though your actions have crossed the line, model what it looks like to "make it right." An apology of action is when you do something to apologize, rather than just saying "sorry." How can you apologize with an action?
(5) Every day is a new day
If you're brave enough, make this a family value. It's obviously easier said than done, but this way of living will promote timely conflict resolution, emotional health and longevity of relationships. Practicing forgiveness with your spouse will protect your marriage from crumbling over a mountain of cumulated offenses and strengthen your communication.
Today is a brand new day.
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