Trying out Under-reactions

It is natural to have big reactions when your child is upset and making a choice to annoy you, or hurt your feelings. Have you ever tried under-reacting? There is a chance that these behaviors are occurring because your child is getting a kick out of your huge reactions. If they know how to get you in your weak spot, children will push that button whenever they're mad. By making a decision to under-react, you will be providing an unexpected response to the behavior.

There is a big difference between ignoring a behavior, and providing an under-reaction. When you ignore a behavior, or simply let it go, you are running the risk of giving your child the idea that they are in charge of the situation. While empowering children to have opinions and their own voice is a great life skill, helping children to understand that adults are in charge of situations will build a level of trust that is vital for future relationships. Children might say that they enjoy being in charge, but in reality, the responsibility is too big for their shoulders. Often times, kids who feel the need to control situations usually struggle with anxiety and a lack of trust for adults.

An under-reaction is when an adult deals with a situation using a calm voice, and a clear natural consequence. For example, if your child runs away and hides when you ask them to do something (e.g. clean up the toys) you can yell and chase - or you can let it happen (in a safe space). When your child is able to listen, state your expectation (e.g. "I expect you to come out and clean up your toys"). If there is no response to your direction, add a time limit and consequence (e.g. "I expect you to come out and start cleaning up your toys. We planned to go to the park this afternoon, and we can't go to the park unless the toys are packed away.")

If your child is accustomed to your yelling and chasing, this would be a really surprising response. You have transferred the consequence from making you angry, to having your child become responsible for changing the situation. All the fun of making you mad is gone, with an added bonus of your blood pressure remaining stable throughout the ordeal. If you miss an afternoon at the park to make your point, so be it. At least your child knows that you're being serious, and you can rest easy knowing that you are teaching your children about responsibility.

Think about ways that you can provide surprising under-reactions to your child's challenging behaviors, and see for yourself how this tactic can be life changing. 

Exiting the Comfort Zone

It has been said that a ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not why ships were built. We can spend our whole lives playing it safe, but at the end of our lives we will be racked with regret for all of the things we didn't do, experiences we never had and moments that we lost due to anxiety. We can help our children to live life to the fullest by reducing how much time they spend in their comfort zone.

There is a good chance that for many people with social differences, leaving the house is leaving their comfort zone. Take a moment to realize how debilitating it can be for a person to be socially anxious, and filled with fear about what might happen. While coming at this idea with compassion, as parents, we have the opportunity to help our kids step out of the boat and into the water.

Play it cool
When you notice that your child is about to step out of their comfort zone, play it cool. Making a big deal about it may be your knee-jerk reaction, but the added attention is likely to create anxiety. Also, once your child has stepped out and achieved something new, making a huge deal about it may cause them to retreat back into their comfort zone. The pressure to always be brave is too much to handle and may result in some self sabotage. Congratulate, notice their behavior (e.g. "Wow, I notice you tried (something different). That must've been hard for you! Congratulations!") and move on promptly. There are more victories ahead, don't over-dwell on one.

Provide new experiences daily
Make it a goal to have your child try something new every day. It might be a new food, a new shirt, a new texture, a new park, a new cafe - anything - just make it part of your normal life. At the end of the day, you can talk about the new things they experienced during the day. Recap and reflect.

Model the behavior
If you eat the same food every day, go to the same cafe every day, wear the same thing every day... think about it! The apple isn't falling too far from the tree. Make a conscious effort to change things up, and be an example. Share your own victories with your children!

Involve professionals
If you have a feeling that your child's aversions to people, places, food (or new experiences in general) are atypical, involve a professional. Pushing your child to do something they don't want to do might be traumatic, especially if you go about it in a forceful way. Be gentle, and don't be afraid to get professionals involved. Early intervention is key to giving your child the best life possible.

Developing Independence

Over many years of work experience with children, it has always been very apparent that every child is different and each develop at their own rate. Independence is a skill that can be taught to every child, at their own rate and in their own way. People get an intrinsic sense of gratification and validation when they are able to accomplish a task on their own - there is a feeling of competence and usefulness that spurs them on to do more, and be more.

So, what comes in between a child and their independence?

Age/Development

A baby can't get dressed independently; nobody is going to be annoyed with a baby for completely relying on an adult for things like that. Likewise, certain things require a certain level of development to be able to accomplish. Typically, children can't brush their teeth sufficiently by themselves until they are around 6 or 7 - they miss bits, rush the job or just lick the toothpaste off the brush. We can't expect a 5 year old to make dinner, but we could expect them to take their plate to the sink after dinner. Work with what they can do and stretch them just that little bit further.

Developmental Delays/Special Needs

In the case of special needs, you may have trouble distinguishing what your child can and can not do. You may need to modify your expectations for developmentally delayed kids, but that does not mean you should do everything for them. In fact, giving a child some skills for independence will simultaneously show them that you believe in their ability to grow. You will show your child that they shouldn't be defined by their challenges. Check in with your child's therapists to see if you can collaborate on some realistic expectations.

Frustration Tolerance

Many children lack coping skills to deal with things not going their way. Some kids scream when they can't zip up the fly of their pants. Other kids kick the wall when their toys break. And then there's just about every kid in the world who will whine incessantly when they have to wait longer than a nanosecond for anything. Yes, meltdowns are not pretty. The longer you skirt around increasing your child's frustration tolerance, the longer you'll have to bear the brunt of the almighty meltdown. In essence, if every time your child needs to wait 5 minutes you give him Angry Birds to play - the very moment you need your phone in a time of waiting, your child will melt down. If you do up your child's fly after every time he uses the bathroom, he will never end up learning how to do it himself. If he cries because it's difficult, wait until he is calm and teach him. You know the saying - Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.

Time Constraints

Are you always putting on your child's shoes because you're running late? You probably get annoyed at the fact that you have to put their shoes on for them at this age, right? Guess what? They will never learn to put their own shoes on if you always do it for them. If you really are consistently short of time, buy your child some shoes that are really easy to put on (Vans with elastic on the sides, crocs, boots, sandals etc.) Shoelaces help kids with sensory sensitivities feel like their feet are tight and secure, but they take a while to master. Do you dress your child because he/she takes too long to choose her clothes? Choose them the night before and lay them out for the morning. There are some easy ways around time.

The Daily Clothing Battle

If this blog post's title resonated with you, it's likely that your child struggles with sensory sensitivities. When a child has a hard time with sensory integration, small things like shoes and socks can become huge meltdowns - putting strain on the entire family. 

How can you help your child, while giving them experiences that prepare them for the real world? We have some practical tips to help you reduce the size of the battle. 

(1) Seamless socks!

No kidding, these things work like magic. Without seams poking into sensory sensitive little feet, shoes will go on easier and you'll be out the door faster. The sooner you buy 50 pairs of these socks, the better. Look at the selection on Amazon - you don't even have to leave your house for this piece of sanity.  

(2) Shoe choices

For children who have delays in fine motor development, shoelaces can pose a whole new battle. Many children with sensory integration challenges prefer tight fitting shoes, because it helps them to feel where their body is in space. While velcro shoes are a short term fix (given that the child can put their shoes on independently), problems can arise when the velcro begins to wear out and the shoes become loose. One way to get around these problems is to purchase slip on shoes (like Vans) which are both fashionable and practical for a child. Another solution is to practice lace-tying on the regular, because it will become awkward for an older child to not know how to tie laces further down the track. 

(3) Tagless tees

Certain clothing brands (like Old Navy) have decided to veto the tag and print the brand information straight on the clothing itself. If the majority of your child's clothing is tag-free, you will avoid meltdowns. 

(4) Relax 

Apart from making sure that the clothing is weather appropriate (and clean!), relax a little on the weird and wonderful outfit combinations that your child will invent. If they want to wear something that's too tight, it's probably for a sensory reason. If they are fixated on wearing the same article of clothing every day, it's also probably for sensory reasons. Loosen your grip on the outfit war, and watch your child's personality shine through. 

Coping with Literal Thinking

Parenting a child who thinks extremely literally can be very frustrating. We understand, and have come up with some tips for saving your sanity when it comes to literal thinkers. 

(1) Remind yourself that it's funny

When you're trying to express something to your child and they're taking every word literally, step back and remember that this is hilarious. The quotes that are coming out of your child's mouth are comedy genius - screenwriters would pay to have exposure to material like this. So next time you say, "How's school going?" and your child replies, "It's not going anywhere, it's in a fixed location," take a moment to giggle. This is funny. 

(2) Time and Place

There are times and places for humor. Even if your child isn't trying to be funny, it's appropriate to remind them that this kind of thinking will be categorized as humor by the general public. As your child grows up, it's also important to explain that some people will see this kind of humor as being, "Smart Alec" behavior, which can be off-putting. By pointing out times and places where literal thinking is appropriate (especially the times where it's viewed as clever) you will be helping your child to use their quick wit to their benefit. 

(3) Main Point 

Kids who think literally also tend to have a hard time getting to the main point of a conversation, because they can be so caught up in the details. By restating the point of what your child is trying to say, you are helping them to recognize the main idea of the conversation. When they have a grasp on what a "main point" is, prompt your child when the conversation goes into a monologue. What is the main point? 

(4) Practice Figurative Language

When you see or hear a pun, simile or metaphor, discuss this with your child. You can even make a game by Googling a bunch of figurative language, studying them together and testing your child on whether or not they know what each saying means. This may seem like a silly game, but in actuality, these kinds of games will help your child navigate the world on a deeper level.