Developing Independence

Over many years of work experience with children, it has always been very apparent that every child is different and each develop at their own rate. Independence is a skill that can be taught to every child, at their own rate and in their own way. People get an intrinsic sense of gratification and validation when they are able to accomplish a task on their own - there is a feeling of competence and usefulness that spurs them on to do more, and be more.

So, what comes in between a child and their independence?

Age/Development

A baby can't get dressed independently; nobody is going to be annoyed with a baby for completely relying on an adult for things like that. Likewise, certain things require a certain level of development to be able to accomplish. Typically, children can't brush their teeth sufficiently by themselves until they are around 6 or 7 - they miss bits, rush the job or just lick the toothpaste off the brush. We can't expect a 5 year old to make dinner, but we could expect them to take their plate to the sink after dinner. Work with what they can do and stretch them just that little bit further.

Developmental Delays/Special Needs

In the case of special needs, you may have trouble distinguishing what your child can and can not do. You may need to modify your expectations for developmentally delayed kids, but that does not mean you should do everything for them. In fact, giving a child some skills for independence will simultaneously show them that you believe in their ability to grow. You will show your child that they shouldn't be defined by their challenges. Check in with your child's therapists to see if you can collaborate on some realistic expectations.

Frustration Tolerance

Many children lack coping skills to deal with things not going their way. Some kids scream when they can't zip up the fly of their pants. Other kids kick the wall when their toys break. And then there's just about every kid in the world who will whine incessantly when they have to wait longer than a nanosecond for anything. Yes, meltdowns are not pretty. The longer you skirt around increasing your child's frustration tolerance, the longer you'll have to bear the brunt of the almighty meltdown. In essence, if every time your child needs to wait 5 minutes you give him Angry Birds to play - the very moment you need your phone in a time of waiting, your child will melt down. If you do up your child's fly after every time he uses the bathroom, he will never end up learning how to do it himself. If he cries because it's difficult, wait until he is calm and teach him. You know the saying - Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.

Time Constraints

Are you always putting on your child's shoes because you're running late? You probably get annoyed at the fact that you have to put their shoes on for them at this age, right? Guess what? They will never learn to put their own shoes on if you always do it for them. If you really are consistently short of time, buy your child some shoes that are really easy to put on (Vans with elastic on the sides, crocs, boots, sandals etc.) Shoelaces help kids with sensory sensitivities feel like their feet are tight and secure, but they take a while to master. Do you dress your child because he/she takes too long to choose her clothes? Choose them the night before and lay them out for the morning. There are some easy ways around time.