Exiting the Comfort Zone

It has been said that a ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not why ships were built. We can spend our whole lives playing it safe, but at the end of our lives we will be racked with regret for all of the things we didn't do, experiences we never had and moments that we lost due to anxiety. We can help our children to live life to the fullest by reducing how much time they spend in their comfort zone.

There is a good chance that for many people with social differences, leaving the house is leaving their comfort zone. Take a moment to realize how debilitating it can be for a person to be socially anxious, and filled with fear about what might happen. While coming at this idea with compassion, as parents, we have the opportunity to help our kids step out of the boat and into the water.

Play it cool
When you notice that your child is about to step out of their comfort zone, play it cool. Making a big deal about it may be your knee-jerk reaction, but the added attention is likely to create anxiety. Also, once your child has stepped out and achieved something new, making a huge deal about it may cause them to retreat back into their comfort zone. The pressure to always be brave is too much to handle and may result in some self sabotage. Congratulate, notice their behavior (e.g. "Wow, I notice you tried (something different). That must've been hard for you! Congratulations!") and move on promptly. There are more victories ahead, don't over-dwell on one.

Provide new experiences daily
Make it a goal to have your child try something new every day. It might be a new food, a new shirt, a new texture, a new park, a new cafe - anything - just make it part of your normal life. At the end of the day, you can talk about the new things they experienced during the day. Recap and reflect.

Model the behavior
If you eat the same food every day, go to the same cafe every day, wear the same thing every day... think about it! The apple isn't falling too far from the tree. Make a conscious effort to change things up, and be an example. Share your own victories with your children!

Involve professionals
If you have a feeling that your child's aversions to people, places, food (or new experiences in general) are atypical, involve a professional. Pushing your child to do something they don't want to do might be traumatic, especially if you go about it in a forceful way. Be gentle, and don't be afraid to get professionals involved. Early intervention is key to giving your child the best life possible.

Developing Independence

Over many years of work experience with children, it has always been very apparent that every child is different and each develop at their own rate. Independence is a skill that can be taught to every child, at their own rate and in their own way. People get an intrinsic sense of gratification and validation when they are able to accomplish a task on their own - there is a feeling of competence and usefulness that spurs them on to do more, and be more.

So, what comes in between a child and their independence?

Age/Development

A baby can't get dressed independently; nobody is going to be annoyed with a baby for completely relying on an adult for things like that. Likewise, certain things require a certain level of development to be able to accomplish. Typically, children can't brush their teeth sufficiently by themselves until they are around 6 or 7 - they miss bits, rush the job or just lick the toothpaste off the brush. We can't expect a 5 year old to make dinner, but we could expect them to take their plate to the sink after dinner. Work with what they can do and stretch them just that little bit further.

Developmental Delays/Special Needs

In the case of special needs, you may have trouble distinguishing what your child can and can not do. You may need to modify your expectations for developmentally delayed kids, but that does not mean you should do everything for them. In fact, giving a child some skills for independence will simultaneously show them that you believe in their ability to grow. You will show your child that they shouldn't be defined by their challenges. Check in with your child's therapists to see if you can collaborate on some realistic expectations.

Frustration Tolerance

Many children lack coping skills to deal with things not going their way. Some kids scream when they can't zip up the fly of their pants. Other kids kick the wall when their toys break. And then there's just about every kid in the world who will whine incessantly when they have to wait longer than a nanosecond for anything. Yes, meltdowns are not pretty. The longer you skirt around increasing your child's frustration tolerance, the longer you'll have to bear the brunt of the almighty meltdown. In essence, if every time your child needs to wait 5 minutes you give him Angry Birds to play - the very moment you need your phone in a time of waiting, your child will melt down. If you do up your child's fly after every time he uses the bathroom, he will never end up learning how to do it himself. If he cries because it's difficult, wait until he is calm and teach him. You know the saying - Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.

Time Constraints

Are you always putting on your child's shoes because you're running late? You probably get annoyed at the fact that you have to put their shoes on for them at this age, right? Guess what? They will never learn to put their own shoes on if you always do it for them. If you really are consistently short of time, buy your child some shoes that are really easy to put on (Vans with elastic on the sides, crocs, boots, sandals etc.) Shoelaces help kids with sensory sensitivities feel like their feet are tight and secure, but they take a while to master. Do you dress your child because he/she takes too long to choose her clothes? Choose them the night before and lay them out for the morning. There are some easy ways around time.

The Daily Clothing Battle

If this blog post's title resonated with you, it's likely that your child struggles with sensory sensitivities. When a child has a hard time with sensory integration, small things like shoes and socks can become huge meltdowns - putting strain on the entire family. 

How can you help your child, while giving them experiences that prepare them for the real world? We have some practical tips to help you reduce the size of the battle. 

(1) Seamless socks!

No kidding, these things work like magic. Without seams poking into sensory sensitive little feet, shoes will go on easier and you'll be out the door faster. The sooner you buy 50 pairs of these socks, the better. Look at the selection on Amazon - you don't even have to leave your house for this piece of sanity.  

(2) Shoe choices

For children who have delays in fine motor development, shoelaces can pose a whole new battle. Many children with sensory integration challenges prefer tight fitting shoes, because it helps them to feel where their body is in space. While velcro shoes are a short term fix (given that the child can put their shoes on independently), problems can arise when the velcro begins to wear out and the shoes become loose. One way to get around these problems is to purchase slip on shoes (like Vans) which are both fashionable and practical for a child. Another solution is to practice lace-tying on the regular, because it will become awkward for an older child to not know how to tie laces further down the track. 

(3) Tagless tees

Certain clothing brands (like Old Navy) have decided to veto the tag and print the brand information straight on the clothing itself. If the majority of your child's clothing is tag-free, you will avoid meltdowns. 

(4) Relax 

Apart from making sure that the clothing is weather appropriate (and clean!), relax a little on the weird and wonderful outfit combinations that your child will invent. If they want to wear something that's too tight, it's probably for a sensory reason. If they are fixated on wearing the same article of clothing every day, it's also probably for sensory reasons. Loosen your grip on the outfit war, and watch your child's personality shine through. 

Coping with Literal Thinking

Parenting a child who thinks extremely literally can be very frustrating. We understand, and have come up with some tips for saving your sanity when it comes to literal thinkers. 

(1) Remind yourself that it's funny

When you're trying to express something to your child and they're taking every word literally, step back and remember that this is hilarious. The quotes that are coming out of your child's mouth are comedy genius - screenwriters would pay to have exposure to material like this. So next time you say, "How's school going?" and your child replies, "It's not going anywhere, it's in a fixed location," take a moment to giggle. This is funny. 

(2) Time and Place

There are times and places for humor. Even if your child isn't trying to be funny, it's appropriate to remind them that this kind of thinking will be categorized as humor by the general public. As your child grows up, it's also important to explain that some people will see this kind of humor as being, "Smart Alec" behavior, which can be off-putting. By pointing out times and places where literal thinking is appropriate (especially the times where it's viewed as clever) you will be helping your child to use their quick wit to their benefit. 

(3) Main Point 

Kids who think literally also tend to have a hard time getting to the main point of a conversation, because they can be so caught up in the details. By restating the point of what your child is trying to say, you are helping them to recognize the main idea of the conversation. When they have a grasp on what a "main point" is, prompt your child when the conversation goes into a monologue. What is the main point? 

(4) Practice Figurative Language

When you see or hear a pun, simile or metaphor, discuss this with your child. You can even make a game by Googling a bunch of figurative language, studying them together and testing your child on whether or not they know what each saying means. This may seem like a silly game, but in actuality, these kinds of games will help your child navigate the world on a deeper level. 

Holiday Gift Social Skills

When it comes to gift giving and receiving, many kids have a lot to learn. As parents, it is our responsibility to teach our children socially appropriate ways to act when it comes to gifts. We have come up with a few common areas of awkwardness that happen around the holidays, and ways to get around them.  Role play, talk about these over dinner time and play pretend with these scenarios.

(1) What to do if you don’t like a gift
This happens! Let’s be honest – we have all been given something we don’t like. This is where we teach our kids to use their ‘social filter.’ On some occasions, it is completely OK to stretch the truth.  Explain to your kids that you don’t have to say you love it if you don’t, but have an expectation of at least saying, “thank you.”

(2) What to do if you already have the gift

Our rule of thumb is – if there is a gift receipt, or an offer to exchange the gift, it is totally appropriate to accept the offer. If not, you could teach your kids to say a positive comment about how having more than one of something is great. If you’re concerned that what your child might say next will be inappropriate, ask them to simply say, “thank you,” and not mention that they already have that item. 

(3) What to do if you don’t get a gift

It helps to identify that gifts are undeserved, and given on a completely voluntary basis. You can help your child label their emotion as being, “disappointed,” but in order to teach appropriate social skills, we recommend not to dwell on that disappointment. Shrug it off! Sometimes you get a gift, sometimes you don’t.

(4) What to do if you get a card

When a card is stuck to the front of a present, teach your children to open the card first. Taking the time to read the card shows the giver that you care about them, not just about what you are getting. Also, if there is no gift but there is a card, prep your kids on etiquette when it comes to appreciating a card by itself. Young children are unlikely to care deeply about words on a card, but you can still model appreciation in the moment.

Lastly, don’t feel bad if your child exhibits inappropriate holiday behavior. Believe us, this is very common! All of the excitement about the holidays can lead to a crash once the parties start happening, sugar starts being eaten and tiredness sets in. Ride the wave, stay consistent – January will be here before you know it!

What to do on Rainy Days

Today's storm has all of the Bay Area stuck indoors, so we thought we'd spare a thought (and some ideas) to parents who are not only working from home today - but also managing the kids! Since you can't send them to the playground right now, here's a list of 10 things you can do inside.

(1) TV
Don't feel bad about it, there are a lot of hours to kill. We recommend limiting TV time on these days to two episodes of a show, or one feature length movie. Pop some popcorn, stay in your PJs and relax.

(2) Computer/iPad
Again, don't feel bad - just make boundaries. Maybe your child needs to have breakfast eaten, teeth and hair brushed, clothes on and bed made... then they can have 20 minutes of an educational game. They will spend the whole day asking for the iPad, so why not create limits that are win-win.

(3) Baking
Provided you have the ingredients ready to roll, what child doesn't love whipping up a cake?

What if the power goes out?

(4) Construction Challenges
How high can they build a tower out of Kapla blocks or Legos? How do they need to alter the foundation or base of the structure to get it taller? How wide can they build a city? How elaborate can the city be? What are the laws of the city? Invent, invent, invent!

(5) Board Games
Dust off that pile of games you have in the garage! Kids love playing board games with their parents, because it's an opportunity to level the playing field when it comes to finances, experiences and strategy. Playing board games is also a great way for kids to learn communication, wise financial moves and deals.

(6) Craft
Craft can be anything, made from whatever you have lying around. Extend your child's creativity by not buying fancy craft materials - upcycle garbage and see what becomes of it all. You might just see jet packs out of cereal boxes, wands made out of sticks and cars made from old packing boxes.

(7) The "Hat Game"
This one is great for times when you're waiting. What kinds of hats can you name? Take turns until nobody can think of any more hats. For example; police hat, baseball hat, beanie, fez, beret...

(8) Word at a time story
This is another great "waiting" game - each say one word at a time, building on what the last person has said. Sometimes you'll need boundaries around potty talk, or saying "then he died" (which finishes the whole story). Most importantly, this game causes children to build on the ideas of others instead of stealing the spotlight for themselves.

(9) Drawing Games
Fold a piece of paper in three parts. One person draws a crazy head, then passes the paper to the person beside them. That person draws in the middle section of the paper, a completely unrelated and creative torso. Then the paper is passed again, where another person draws funny feet. Open up the paper and... voila! You have a crazy monster.
(NB: Don't forget to extend the neck to the second third of the page, and the legs to the third, so that the picture connects in all the right places)

(10) Junk Mail "shopping"
Since it's the holidays, grab that pile of junk mail and do some "window" shopping. Each page of the catalogue has numerous kid-friendly items, and children can play in partners by quickly pointing to one item that they would like on the page. If someone already chose it, they have to choose something else. This game is a great way to explain the idea that sometimes we want things, and we can really like things, but we don't need to buy them. We can pretend to buy something and also have fun. 

Surviving the Party Season

So, we've made it through Thanksgiving and Halloween! Hopefully you're on the other side with enough sanity to make it through December. The party season has only just begun, so we have some tips for making this season one of success for families whose kids have social anxiety and sensory sensitivities.

(1) Prep! 
Let your child know in advance which parties they have been invited to join, and what they can expect when they arrive. Who will be there? What kind of food might be there? Which food can/can't your child eat? What is the strategy for situations that need adult intervention?

(2) Break Space
Find a physical space for your child to take a break when he needs it. If you're attending a house party, ask the host if you can use a bedroom for a cool-down zone - or if it's a daytime party - maybe take a walk around the block if things get rough. Have a plan and focus on preventing meltdowns instead of just fixing the damage after they've already happened.

(3) Short 'n Sweet
Don't expect your child to stay regulated for hours at a party. Learn to leave before the meltdown happens - always aim to leave on a positive note. This might mean staying for 45 minutes and making an excuse to go home, and that is totally OK.

(4) Kid Parties vs. Adult Parties
For events that are geared towards adults, consider getting a babysitter - even if kids are welcome at the party. Some parties are worth attending without your children, so that you can relax and let your hair down. For all you know, the choice to leave the kids at home could be very mutually beneficial - they might enjoy pizza and a movie with the babysitter more than a hectic party.

(5) Be Flexible
You might need to loosen your standards on behavior when it comes to a party. Watch the other (possibly typically developing) kids and see how they are behaving - some craziness is allowed at a party! Sensory sensitive kids tend to have a hard time knowing when to calm down after high-energy situations at parties - this is where you step in. Coach your child through calming down by taking a break and providing deep pressure, like a bear hug. Take five minutes to read a quiet book together, then go back to the festivities.