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| Need social skills? This book's got plenty! |
When you think back to your 'tween and teen years, no doubt you have memories of some of the most awkward years of your life. It's almost like the body grows too fast for the brain to catch up. Getting older requires a greater reliance on social cues, as the pressure to fit in becomes of paramount importance. People with Autism (and various other differences) have significant trouble with matching their behavior to the behavior of those around them. As a pre-teen, you can see how this could pose a problem. There is no magic wand for a social impairment - but as your child's advocate, you can help him learn what others may pick up naturally.
We have come up with a few practical tips on how to help your growing child onto social success:
(1) Be Honest
It may feel as though you are constantly 'at' your son or daughter about manners or social cues. If you feel as though you are starting to criticize your child, look at the way you are going about your "help". It is not helpful to tell him that he's rude, or that he stinks or that he'll "never learn". You may not want to run the risk of hurting his feelings, so you might try to ignore his behavior. In the long run, this is counterproductive, because he won't learn that what he is doing is inappropriate - until someone tells him in a not-so-gentle way. It is, however, helpful to point out behaviors that are socially unacceptable, explain why and model a more appropriate choice.
(2) Talk About Hygiene
As bodies grow, they require more maintenance. Perhaps you have a child who doesn't like to take showers - now is the time to start teaching her why our bodies need to be clean in order to stay healthy. Take your child to the store and let her choose a deodorant that she likes, and teach her to use it as part of her morning routine. Pre-teen girls will need some coaching when it comes to looking after their bodies as they start shaving their legs and armpits, and start tackling "that time of the month". Teenage boys will need some help knowing when to use deodorant... and when they're using too much deodorant. All adolescents need help with these things, but teens with Autism will need some extra help - and some extra concrete ways of having these hygiene routines explained. Be honest, and be specific.
(3) Use Books
Some things can be very awkward to discuss with your children. While we don't recommend throwing a book at them and walking away, we recognize that printed truths can sometimes be easier to handle than those which are spoken. Providing your child with quality (and modern) resources that help explain what's going on with their bodies may be one of the best ways to get the message across.
(4) Dating Education
Some families have strict rules about whether or not pre-teens and young teens are allowed to "date". It might be useful to talk with your parenting partner about your child and the dating arena, and pre-decide on the stance you will take when the day comes. Some teenagers will decide independently that they are not going to date, and others may not have access to a romantic interest. It is important to teach your socially different teen about how to go about attracting a partner. Some may be too timid or have such limited interests that they are difficult to approach. Others become fixated on a person, and become "too much" for that person to handle. It is also important that your child understands not only the "mechanics" of sexual activity, but the socioemotional implications of such intimacy. It may be difficult for young people with Autism to understand the emotions of their partner, and how some things they do might be considered hurtful.
(5) Encourage Expression
Your child may be really quirky, and this has probably caused him to be socially excluded at some point. As his parent, encourage him to harness the positive sides of everything that makes him who he is. There is no doubt, the most interesting character looming inside your child - and with a little encouragement, you can help him to shine. She may enjoy playing games that seem nerdy to you, or engaging in hobbies that you simply don't understand. Usher her towards a group of like-minded individuals, where she can be confident and understood. Try to limit her involvement in social media, and maximize her face-to-face social interactions. You may find summer camps, support groups, interest groups, community groups or after school programs that offer extension in the way your child likes to express himself the most.
Some things can be very awkward to discuss with your children. While we don't recommend throwing a book at them and walking away, we recognize that printed truths can sometimes be easier to handle than those which are spoken. Providing your child with quality (and modern) resources that help explain what's going on with their bodies may be one of the best ways to get the message across.
(4) Dating Education
Some families have strict rules about whether or not pre-teens and young teens are allowed to "date". It might be useful to talk with your parenting partner about your child and the dating arena, and pre-decide on the stance you will take when the day comes. Some teenagers will decide independently that they are not going to date, and others may not have access to a romantic interest. It is important to teach your socially different teen about how to go about attracting a partner. Some may be too timid or have such limited interests that they are difficult to approach. Others become fixated on a person, and become "too much" for that person to handle. It is also important that your child understands not only the "mechanics" of sexual activity, but the socioemotional implications of such intimacy. It may be difficult for young people with Autism to understand the emotions of their partner, and how some things they do might be considered hurtful.
(5) Encourage Expression
Your child may be really quirky, and this has probably caused him to be socially excluded at some point. As his parent, encourage him to harness the positive sides of everything that makes him who he is. There is no doubt, the most interesting character looming inside your child - and with a little encouragement, you can help him to shine. She may enjoy playing games that seem nerdy to you, or engaging in hobbies that you simply don't understand. Usher her towards a group of like-minded individuals, where she can be confident and understood. Try to limit her involvement in social media, and maximize her face-to-face social interactions. You may find summer camps, support groups, interest groups, community groups or after school programs that offer extension in the way your child likes to express himself the most.
(6) Find a Mentor
There is infinite value in finding someone who understands your child, and someone who your child can trust. Teenagers won't want to tell their parents everything - don't be offended - you probably kept a lot of things from your parents, too. Think about your circle of friends, and if there is a standout person who fits the bill for being a mentor. Most adults would be flattered if they were asked to mentor a teen, and you might find that opening up your child's inner social circle will bring new light to some of the social skills which were previously confusing.
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