Speak for Yourself

One of the biggest problems that special needs kids have, is that everybody wants to speak for them.

As a parent, it is very tempting to want to fight every one of your child's battles with your voice - because after all, you have the voice which is most likely to be heard. When you see other children staring at your child, laughing at the way he acts or excluding him because he doesn't understand the game, it is nearly impossible for you to sit back and do nothing. Whatever hurts your child hurts you.

There comes an age where instead of speaking for your child, you need to give him his own voice. (Obviously if your child can't physically talk, or suffers from impaired speech, this advice won't apply. Go on being your child's voice!) You are building up a capable human being, who may be different to those around him, but nonetheless able to stand up for himself.

How do we make the transition?

(1) Equip your child with words
Some people decide not to have their child diagnosed, for many reasons, and that is an individual choice that needs to be respected. For those of you who are more forthright with the diagnosis, you may choose to tell your child that he or she has Autism (or whichever difference affects him) and allow him to fully understand what that means. This can be incredibly empowering for children who behave in ways that seem unexpected to others - they have a word for what makes them behave like this, and it can be easily expressed to adults and children alike. We have seen a child with Dyslexia sit in front of her class and explain what it feels like for her to have problems with words, and tell everyone why she has trouble reading. She then gave the teacher a picture book about Dyslexia and the whole class learned together. Nobody makes fun of her - they now understand that her brain works differently, while she feels safe and accepted.

(2) Allow processing time 
Before you jump in to answer questions for your child, consider counting to five - slowly! Your brain might work at lightning speed, but your child may need a moment to gather his thoughts. His delay may appear like he is ignoring you, and he might be. When parents and caregivers jump in too quickly, they mean well, but take away the child's voice. The child will soon get used to others speaking for him, and he won't see the value in stopping what he is doing in order to answer a question he probably doesn't want to answer. Try counting to five, asking the child to make eye contact with the person asking the question, and have the question asked a second time if he didn' hear it at first. If he's still coming up blank, try starting his sentences and see if he can finish. If not, give clues. Provide the scaffolding!

(3) Give him ownership of his differences
It is OK to be different - did you know? Some of the game-changers in our world have been people with significant differences! Einstein probably wasn't a great conversationalist and Isaac Newton was listed in a Wikipedia article for having a Retrospective Diagnosis of Autism. Your child is who she is, and she can make the best of it with confidence. Empower her to live life being proud of who she is, and knowing that she can live a life of great purpose.

(4) Define him by his abilities 
On occasion, you will need to tell people that your child has a special need. You may leave it at that, or you may give the name of his or her diagnosis. Whatever you do, lift up your eyes and see that he is much more than the label which has been given to him.

One wise Mom once said to me,

"Each day I learn to let go of him a little more. I don't own him, and that's the only way he will grow".

We hope you'll learn to do the same.