Teaching Your Family About Autism

Many parents of children with Autism feel isolated and misunderstood. In fact, that is the definition of Autism - an isolated self - coming from the Greek word "autos". Autism Spectrum Disorders have a way of not only restricting the social interactions of the child affected, but the entire family as it grows and changes together. One of the best ways to dig your way out of isolation is to teach your family and friends about Autism, advocate for more awareness and find out as much as you can about how to set your child up for success.

Many people will have trouble understanding Autism, and may make you feel as though you and your child have a discipline problem. While providing boundaries is very important to children of all abilities, it is important that you advocate for your child (and yourself) when it comes to educating others about why "old-fashioned" discipline strategies are lost on a child with Autism. There will certainly be awkward moments where you stand up to your parents, parents-in-law, extended family and friends. Prepare to be misunderstood, but advocate anyway.

Here are a few tips, to help you on your quest.

(1) Find a good time. 
Prevention is better than cure, so where possible, plan to talk to family members before a situation blows out of proportion. If you have a feeling that someone you know is having trouble with your parenting style (or excluding your child because of his social behavior), make a time to sit down and talk it out. Find out what the other person is having trouble understanding, and do your best to explain why the situation is what it is. For many reasons, some parents don't want other parents to know their child is on the Autism Spectrum - though we have found that there are times where being honest about your child's differences can help others be more compassionate.

(2) Don't be preachy. 
When you're teaching people about Autism, try not to be too overbearing. You may know a lot about the spectrum, but make sure you explain yourself using terms that are easily understood. You do not need to justify your parenting style, just as parents of typically developing kids don't need to justify theirs. The purpose of teaching other people about Autism, is less about the disorder itself, and more about communicating your child's inner workings so that she can be understood.

(3) Communicate your child's biggest strengths. 
With a diagnosis of Autism, comes the stigma of "disability". In fact, people with Autism have some major abilities. Many people with Autism will have an interest in a specific topic, and be able to do things that people without Autism could never achieve. Every child is passionate about something, and it is likely that your child will be fixated on a certain subject. He may also excel in math, music, art or science - and your wider family community can certainly help to build up great areas of strength in his life.

(4) Communicate your child's greatest challenges. 
Your child will benefit from your specificity with family and close friends, when it comes to the struggles she faces on a daily basis. She may need others to give her more grace when it comes to time management, personal organization, understanding instructions, thinking too literally, being flexible about changes in plans and acting appropriately in group situations.

(5) Give some direct, practical tips. 
Teach people who take care of your child to slow down, be very clear with directions and use less words. Encourage them to ask for eye contact from your child, and to be patient when it comes to information processing. Teach them to count to ten in their head before they ask a question again, giving space for the child to respond. Help your family understand that the meltdowns are part of having Autism, and to respond to the child's needs, while not engaging in conversation until the child is calm.

(6) Read up!
If you know of a good book that really helped you understand Autism, recommend it! If you stumble across a website or blog with a great article, email it out to your network. Throw yourself headlong into education about Autism, and you will naturally become a passionate advocate for your child.

Literally.

As adults, we don't really have any idea how much weight is carried by our words.

Something that makes sense to us can be heard very differently by a child - especially a child with special needs. Part of having an Autism Spectrum Disorder is taking things very, very, literally; so it is absolutely imperative that we develop an awareness of how our words are heard by children who process things differently.

(1) Your child isn't overreacting on purpose. 
Even for the most seasoned parents, it's worth regularly reminding yourself that there's a good chance that your child's literal interpretation of information isn't just their way of being silly or funny. It might feel like he is trying to annoy you with disproportionate overreactions - as loud and as irrational as it may seem at the time, a child on the Autism Spectrum really needs you to be patient. You may have times where you can not possibly understand why she can't 'get' certain things, or why explaining some concepts feels like chasing your tail. It's also worth noting that you're human, and at times you will say or do things that you may later regret. If you lose your cool; take a breath, apologize and move on.

(2) Explain metaphoric and abstract language. 
Don't stop using abstract language, just because your child doesn't seem to understand it. By removing metaphors from your communication, you lose out on vital teachable moments. Speak figuratively, and take time to explain what the figure of speech means. Try to use the phrase again, and see if your child can begin to contextualize metaphoric language. Also, your child may have difficulty understanding why we use the same word in two very different ways. Recently, one of our 10 year old clients made a card for his Behavior Specialist. When she said, "Aww! That's so sweet!" he replied, "No, sugar is sweet. This is a card."

(3) Be careful with scare tactics and overshare. 
Certain generations and cultures approach child rearing with a pocketful of scare tactics, in order to keep children safe and well-behaved. Just because these methods have worked through the ages, it doesn't mean they're a great idea to try on kids with Autism. To say that standing unsafely on a chair will cause your son to fall and break his neck (thus rendering him quadriplegic) may work with some children and it also may give other kids severe anxiety about chair safety. Likewise - be careful about how much information you give certain children about germs, natural disasters, death and other topics that may develop into anxiety. If your child seems unnaturally scared about something, try and figure out where the information came from as soon as possible.

(4) Take questions again, and again, and again. 
When you have explained information, instructions or a new concept to your child, ask her if she has any questions. Children who take information literally are often the same children who process information slowly. Once you are done with a conversation, be prepared to talk about it again at a later time. Sometimes it will appear that your child hasn't listened to a word you have said, then three days later she might ask you a very specific question about something you can hardly remember saying.

(5) Communicate this information to your child's support system. 
If it takes a village to raise a child, then it takes; a village, an occupational therapist, a behavior specialist, a nutritionist, a speech therapist, two teachers, a shadow, a physical therapist, a general practitioner and every topic Web MD to raise a child with special needs. Your child has a "team" of people who help him learn, and develop skills through early intervention. When everybody is on the same page with communication, your child is able to learn as much as possible as naturally as possible. It can be difficult to bring awareness to more "modern" special needs when it comes to older generations of relatives, but with respect, do your best to advocate for what is best for your child.

Everybody will say things that these kids will misunderstand - you yourself will probably make a thousand communication mistakes before your son or daughter reaches their tenth birthday. Nobody is perfect, and there are no "right" answers when it comes to parenting. Special needs parenting rests heavily on the ever-arbitrary balance between what a child can do, and what they are limited by. Don't be afraid to fail, instead, be a parent who tries their very best.

Creating a Peaceful Home Life

I was enjoying a mani-pedi on Mother's Day when I became distracted from the spa-treatment-bliss. The lady beside me (being treated like a Queen: eating an ice cream, feet being massaged and her kids waving to her through the salon window) was talking to her best friend beside her about the stresses of family life. It was as if every family I have ever met was talking through this Mom - the complaints seem to be universal: children take a long time to get ready in the morning, they don't tidy up after themselves, siblings fight and bedtime is a nightmare.

At Kahlon Family Services, we can help you create a peaceful home. We won't wave a magic wand over your family frustrations, but our consultants can come to your house with a fresh set of eyes, and help you make change. Our approach is completely relational, with our work in homes centered around bringing families closer together.

Here are just a few ways we can help:

(1) Creating Routines and Schedules
Much of our blog is bragging about the benefits of routines and schedules. Predictability is often very important to people with special needs, and while we strive to stretch our children's flexible thinking, we have noticed that routine is extremely important when seeing children up for success. We can tailor your routines and schedules to simplify your day-to-day life, and provide essential framework in which your child can learn and grow.

Whether you're looking for new ideas for a morning routine, homework routine, bedtime routine or an overhaul of your entire weekly schedule - we can help.

(2) Observation & Feedback 
We have consultants who can come to your house and watch how it runs - then from the observation they can give you some suggestions that may make your life easier. It can be fairly uncomfortable to have somebody watching how your home life works - so this kind of consultation won't work for everyone. Having said that, this is one of the best ways to make change because the consultant is seeing an accurate depiction of the issues that you may have trouble describing in words.

(3) Sibling Social Coaching 
Many parents are extremely frustrated with the way their children treat one another. Certain special needs (such as Autism) can cause a child to have a lack of empathy, which can be very difficult for a typically developing sibling to understand. While we can't "fix" your children's relationship, we can offer tools, key words and techniques to help you manage their day-to-day interactions. We may also be able to help you understand the fine line between where your child is being unreasonable, and where he needs extra help understanding other people's feelings.

(4) Developing Parental Boundaries 
Juggling family life is a full-time job! Many parents have never actually sat down together and discussed the ways in which they will work together when it comes to managing their children's behavior. Children know when their parents aren't on "the same page" and they will quickly learn to play you off of one another. This will not only cause more behaviors, but eventually it will cause some erosion in your relationship. We can help get the conversation started - and with a Behavioral Consultant's third-party input, it might just be easier to get the ball rolling.

(5) Respite for Families who have children with Special Needs
Parenting is the most difficult task you'll ever take on - and you need rest. If you have a child, or a young adult with special needs, we have people who understand kids with differences, and can take care of your child without you needing to worry about a thing.

Remember - nobody is a perfect parent! Hiring a Behavioral Consultant will not magically make you a perfect parent either - but we may just be able to bring a fresh perspective to your situation.

15 Activities for Wiggly Kids

1. Hopping
Key Phrase: "Two feet together."

Set a landmark, and get the child to hop there and back. This input will compress his joints and help him know where his body is in space.

2. Skipping
Key Phrase: "Knees to hands."

This activity uses both sides of the brain, and is really hard for some kids. If they struggle, physically help them by tapping which leg and arm she will be using. Also, putting her hands out for the knees to hit on their way up will provide a stepping stone to successful skipping.

3. Jumpin' Jacks
Key Phrase: "Clap hands over your head."

Some kids do very small Jumpin' Jacks, and others have trouble counting 1:1 per jump. If you get the child to clap over his head, you'll most likely get a more complete jump from him, and also the clap will provide sensory input.

4. Push Ups
Key Phrase: "All the way to straight arms."

Some children with sensory sensitivities may also have physical problems where they have low tone, or don't extend their arms fully. Without having her "lock" her arms, encourage full push ups rather than a certain quantity.

5. Planking
Key Phrase: "Butt down."

Many kids will want to poke their butts in the air while planking. If he's finding it hard, encourage him that it's meant to be difficult to plank. Strengthening the core will make it easier for a child to sit still.

6. Downward Dog
Key Phrase: "Hands flat, butt up".

For children who seem to be preoccupied by playing with their hands, downward dog provides the input that can help temporarily curb this behavior. Also downward dog will build her bone density, wake her up and boost circulation.

7. Growing Seeds
Key Phrase: "Grow from a seed to a flower."

Have your kids go as small as possible, and grow as tall as possible - all in slow motion. Some kids go from 0-100 really quickly in everything they do - sensory seekers tend to go from whisper to yell, happy to infuriated, calm to hyper - in a matter of moments. This activity helps them establish "shades of grey" within their behavior.

8. Bean Bag Toss
Key Phrase: "1...2...3"

Grab two beanbags and two people, set yourselves at least shoulder-width apart and throw the beanbags simultaneously. Aim for  certain amount of catches, and don't acknowledge the misses. Builds hand-eye co-ordination.

9. Hoops
Key Phrase: "Switch Arms."

Teach your child to spin a hoop on his arm, and switch it to the other arm. This uses both sides of the brain, on top of mastering a skill of hand-eye co-ordination. Excellent to use before a child needs to sit for a while and pay attention.

10. Weight Lifting
Key Phrase: "(Chair) to (the fence)."

Find the heaviest kid-friendly weight available and have her carry it to a landmark. At the airport, get your kids to roll the suitcases for you. At school, have her lift a chair. Find something heavy and go with it! When the muscles work hard, the child with sensory sensitivities will be more focused.

11. Cross Crawls
Key Phrase: "Touch elbow bone to kneecap."

Again, this activity uses both sides of the brain and gets kids ready to learn.

12. Fast & Slow
Key Phrase: "Really fast for 20 seconds, really slow for 20 seconds."

Get their energy out by moving really fast first, then calm them down by challenging them to change track and move slow.

13. Running
Key Phrase: "To (there) and back."

Nothing fancy, just run!

14. Drawing 
Key Phrase: (None, perhaps set a time limit)

This can be really relaxing. Some kids like to write their name, some kids like to write numbers and others regulate themselves by doodling.

15. Silent Celebrations
Key Phrase: "Silent means no noise."

Kids might want to run around like they're celebrating, or even have a real accomplishment to celebrate. Either way, teach them to do it silently and see how much fun they can have without being overstimulated with sound.