Trying out Under-reactions

It is natural to have big reactions when your child is upset and making a choice to annoy you, or hurt your feelings. Have you ever tried under-reacting? There is a chance that these behaviors are occurring because your child is getting a kick out of your huge reactions. If they know how to get you in your weak spot, children will push that button whenever they're mad. By making a decision to under-react, you will be providing an unexpected response to the behavior.

There is a big difference between ignoring a behavior, and providing an under-reaction. When you ignore a behavior, or simply let it go, you are running the risk of giving your child the idea that they are in charge of the situation. While empowering children to have opinions and their own voice is a great life skill, helping children to understand that adults are in charge of situations will build a level of trust that is vital for future relationships. Children might say that they enjoy being in charge, but in reality, the responsibility is too big for their shoulders. Often times, kids who feel the need to control situations usually struggle with anxiety and a lack of trust for adults.

An under-reaction is when an adult deals with a situation using a calm voice, and a clear natural consequence. For example, if your child runs away and hides when you ask them to do something (e.g. clean up the toys) you can yell and chase - or you can let it happen (in a safe space). When your child is able to listen, state your expectation (e.g. "I expect you to come out and clean up your toys"). If there is no response to your direction, add a time limit and consequence (e.g. "I expect you to come out and start cleaning up your toys. We planned to go to the park this afternoon, and we can't go to the park unless the toys are packed away.")

If your child is accustomed to your yelling and chasing, this would be a really surprising response. You have transferred the consequence from making you angry, to having your child become responsible for changing the situation. All the fun of making you mad is gone, with an added bonus of your blood pressure remaining stable throughout the ordeal. If you miss an afternoon at the park to make your point, so be it. At least your child knows that you're being serious, and you can rest easy knowing that you are teaching your children about responsibility.

Think about ways that you can provide surprising under-reactions to your child's challenging behaviors, and see for yourself how this tactic can be life changing.