After a meltdown, your child will probably be feeling pretty bad about themselves. You may not see it externally, but it's likely that they will regret the actions that have taken place. Maybe they have broken something, hurt someone else or said hurtful words - post-meltdown, they're able to see what they have done. And it doesn't feel good.
A 'repair' is an action that takes place after the meltdown has passed. The importance of a repair is great, as you are looking at the child as a whole person and helping to heal the shame and embarrassment that comes after moments of losing control.
How do you facilitate a repair?
(1) Wait until the meltdown is over
There is no use facilitating a repair when the child is still in the 'red zone.' If he's unable to hold a calm conversation, if she's still crying, if they're still yelling - the child isn't ready. You might want to fix things straight away, but it isn't beneficial until the situation has cooled down. Actually, revisiting the situation while it's too fresh will cause it to reopen, instead of your intention to have it closed.
(2) Avoid telling your child to say 'sorry'
Parents and teachers will often instruct a child to say, 'sorry' to someone after they have been hurt. More often than not, the child will say a silly, sarcastic or meaningless 'sorry' that doesn't heal the situation. The child then treats 'sorry' as a magic word instead of a genuine apology. Likewise, asking a child to hug someone they've hurt can act as an easy 'out' for hurting others and moving on quickly. We want to encourage real, meaningful apologies. Not a quick hug, not a sarcastic sorryyyyyy with a smile on their face - a genuine response that promotes empathy development.
(3) Apology of action
What do you need? What can I get you? What can I do for you?
Once we had a child break a special magic wand of a friend at preschool. He was jealous of the wand, and angry at his peer - so he snapped it in half. After the meltdown ended, we encouraged him to get tape and fix the wand. While it didn't look brand new, the wand was whole again - and both children could move on without shame or resentment. The child eagerly fixed the wand, and therein lies the importance of apologies of action! All through our lives we will need the opportunity to fix what we have broken. Give children the opportunity to make it right.
(4) Letters or cards
If a face-to-face apology is too much for your child (or if the apology doesn't require a physical action), have your child make a letter or card. For example, if your child runs away from their nanny and scares the living daylight out of her, there is no physical apology of action that can take place after the fact. The child may have a very hard time apologizing face-to-face and may respond more genuinely to making her a card. Because cards and letters take longer to make than words take to say, they may be a more effective method of apology for your child.
(5) Forgive and move on
What does forgiveness mean? How you define forgiveness defines your ability to forgive. If you think that forgiveness means diminishing the pain that was caused through a hurtful action, you may decide that forgiveness isn't for you. If you believe that forgiveness is acknowledging the offensive action, then moving past it - you'll be more likely to move on. We believe forgiveness is a process, rather than an immediate action. You may need time to truly forgive, but in the end, forgiveness benefits both parties. It is vital that you forgive your child for things that they have done, so that you both can move forward with a healthy family relationship.
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