Difficulty with social skills can cause pervasive problems in a child's development. When parents and teachers are able to identify these areas of concern, and provide appropriate behavioral modifications, children have a better chance of forming a lifestyle of healthy social connections.
(1) Difficulty understanding social cues
Typically developing children automatically take hints from the people around them. They notice facial expressions, body language and verbal nuances. When social understanding is delayed, a child's behavior around their peers can appear very unexpected. Others may exclude the child for saying or doing unusual things, or they could become the butt of a classroom joke without even realizing.
How we can help: Adults can be an external social coach. Point out what is happening for the child, since it is not automatic for them. Be the running commentary on people's facial expressions, their body language and social dynamics. Create connections between what we see and what we hear, then help them create a plan for what to do next.
(2) Shyness
Not everyone thrives in a crowd; yet most people yearn for connection. We all need to learn to function in groups, but choose your battles when it comes to your expectations for a child with debilitating shyness. Being shy is a type of social anxiety that may present as refusing to speak or participate in groups.
How we can help: Decide when it is important for the child to participate, then scaffold the path to group participation - don't expect too much too soon. Use sentence starters, then have the child finish saying what is on their mind. Encourage the child to use their voice to advocate for themselves, as this is a vital lifeskill. Start sentences with, "I need," or, "I want." Teach the child that their voice counts and they can be heard.
(3) Social dominance
We don't often notice that the so called popular kids actually have a social skill problem. Masked behind charisma that has their peers following them like the Pied Piper, is a hurting child with low self esteem. This child is most comfortable being the boss, because allowing others to make choices terrifies them. The most socially dominating children will draw their peers close, only to push them away. They will be top dog on the playground, and seem to be the only child allowed to make the rules. For peers, standing up to this kid is social suicide.
How we can help: Adults can remove the idea that this child is the boss. Anxiety and control are closely linked; taking the power away from the child makes way for trust. If the child can't trust adults, they will have a hard time trusting anyone in any relationship going forward. Provide opportunities to show that the child can trust you, by following through with your word. It is also important to equip the child's peers with self advocacy skills. If the entire social dynamic of a classroom hinges on this one student, you will need a class-wide approach to healthy relationships.
(4) Perspective taking
Put yourself in their shoes is a very abstract piece of advice - especially to those on the Autism Spectrum. These kids are likely to literally wear the other person's shoes and report that they fit differently. How would you like it if that happened to you? This is a more concrete question. Some children have a very hard time being able to know how their actions effect others. These are the kinds of kids who will ask someone not to do something, then go ahead and do it themselves.
How we can help: Firstly, take away your emotional response. If a child is delayed in this area, your being frustrated or angry at them for their actions isn't going to help. Be rational, be honest - but keep your cool. Even if you feel like your explanation of the situation is going in one ear and out the other, keep looking for creative ways to express the idea of perspective taking. This might be through role play, watching a short video on the topic or having a facilitated conversation with a peer.
(5) Defiance
Whatever you say, they do the opposite. You walk, they run. You need to leave the house, they hide under the couch. When a child doesn't listen to your instructions, it's not only disrespectful - it's a safety issue. You will feel as though you're talking to a brick wall.
How we can help: Sharpen your communication strategies and have a consequence ready. Give an instruction once, if no response, repeat it after allowing 10 seconds processing time. On the third time, give the instruction at eye level (where possible) and have the child repeat back the expectation. Give a time bound consequence that you know will effect the child. Eliminate the need for repeating yourself by following through with every word you say.
If you find yourself at the end of your rope with a child who needs some social help, visit our website at www. kahlonfamilyservices.com
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