"A few years ago, I was on the bus in London with my 7 year old son who has Asperger's. He was standing up announcing each stop to the passengers, who were looking at him like he was from another planet. Up until this point, strangers had always found my son's quirks endearing. People would laugh with him, not at him. He would make people's day with his antics, and those who were sad would walk away happier from an encounter with him. But in this moment, nobody found it cute. I tried to put it down to cultural differences - maybe Americans just had a better sense of humor than the British? Maybe this was a tough crowd? But as time went on... it happened more and more. At 10 years old, people are now finding him weird. People look at him and see what appears to be a typically developing boy, and judge him accordingly. But my son has never been "typically developing"- his syndrome is invisible, yet his differences are not."
This Mom's quote is a snapshot into the lives of many families whose children are different. Part of what we do at Kahlon Family Services is take kids into the community and help teach them the social skills required to live life in their local context. We'll admit - sometimes it can be uncomfortable to have Asperger's kids out and about because you never quite know what is going to happen next - sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's just plain awkward. The beauty of being part of their evolving social behavior is that we get to see rapid, measurable life skills emerge on a daily basis.
We believe that social skilling should be done in a natural setting, and not in a condescending way. As parents and carers, it would be ridiculous for us to believe that we are always the teacher and kids are always the student. We can discover so much about life through the eyes of a child who doesn't fit in. The key is striking a balance between giving the child keys to appropriate social behaviors, while encouraging him/her to be themselves. Everyone is different; everyone should have a right to express their individuality. Our job is to steer that expression towards behavior that is conducive to forming consistent friendships, mutual/back-and-forth conversational skills and generally positive social interactions.
Families who have one or more children with developmental delays don't need to be ashamed of their child's quirky public behavior. Use it to your advantage! You may not even know what your child doesn't know until they do something awkward: These are teachable moments! Once, we were out at Starbucks with a child and realized we were short one chair for our table. When we asked our 10 year old client to go and find a chair, we had no idea that he didn't know the social rules behind the task. Most people naturally ask the person sitting at the table if there is somebody sitting at at empty chair before we take it. But not this kid! He walked up to a man waiting for a date, and took the seat from opposite him. The man watched the situation unfold, and seeing as though the seat-stealer was a child, he got up and replaced the chair with one that nobody was occupying.
Were we mad at the child for this inconsiderate social choice? Not at all. Put yourself in his shoes: A man is sitting across from an empty seat and staring at his cell phone. Imagine now, that you have no concept of the meaning of non-verbal behaviors. The seat is empty, why not take it? That day, he learned that checking in with people before taking the chair is a better way to go about acquiring extra cafe furniture. This is one of millions of life-skills that typically developing people take for granted.
Your child may put a lot of effort into keeping things together socially during the day. It is common for Asperger's kids to have evening meltdowns about things that may seem insignificant to everyone else. It is likely that the kid who is screaming about not wanting to have a shower has just been pushed over the edge, and they are unleashing the inner pressure on their nearest and dearest. It may have very little to do with the shower, and a lot to do with trying to navigate social situations at school. Taking the time to teach your kids how to read social situations can greatly reduce these anxiety-related meltdowns and prepare him for more meaningful connections. On the flip side, giving down time at home to be engrossed in his fixations, sing loudly and be as quirky as he wants to be (within the safety of people who understand this is part of who he is) will help him realize that you love him for who he is.
I have had many bus rides, coffee dates, playground adventures and beach days with kids whose behavior has seemed weird to everyone else. Sometimes these are the very moments these children are displaying huge social milestones, which are invisible to the eyes of onlookers. Be proud of who they are, ignore unproductive judgements and remember that you are this child's #1 fan.
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