The opening sequence of the Disney Pixar classic Toy Story shows Andy spending beautiful quality time with his BFF (Best Friend Forever) Woody. This is seriously cute when it's in a movie - but to run the risk of insulting one of the best movies in history - if your child's best friend is an inanimate object, you should probably have cause for concern. Humans were made to connect with one another!
If your child/ren have a hard time with appropriate social interactions, it will more than likely break your heart to see them isolated. Very few people can live a full life without the solid, consistent companionship of others. I have heard it said that some people with Asperger's Syndrome/High Functioning Autism want nothing more than to jump right into a life of social connection, but they have no idea how to match their desires with their actions. Often times, kids with HFA are so far ahead of their peers intellectually that they find "kid things" really boring ways of passing the time. There are hidden social rules that they are oblivious to - and suddenly all of their smarts count for nothing.
Personally, I feel as though it is worse to organize play dates with your children's peers if the other child doesn't want to be your kid's friend. I have seen typically developing kids protest about going to their ASD "friend's" house - in plain view of the socially-challenged child. Let's get real here: Your child might not be very good company to his/her peers, and this is something you may need to accept in order for things to get better. Looking at it through rose-colored glasses won't fix the problem. Your job as that child's parent/carer/support network is to feed them the skills that will ultimately help them to alter their behaviors to be more conducive to friendship. To be honest, my philosophy in life is that we don't have to be everyone's friend. I do expect people to be respectful, though. If one kid doesn't want a play date, another one will. Keep trying.
The biggest roadblock for some kids are their obscure fixations. If your child is stuck on one thing that is overly technical, adult or outdated - they will probably find it hard to have fun playing with peers. Every parent is different when it comes to TV, but I have seen some real advances in socially-challenged kids when they began to watch the shows that other kids were watching. Suddenly they have the keys to a world where they know who Perry the Platypus is - and for some children, that is the enough to get them invited to a birthday party. That genuine childhood connection is worth more than a parentally planned play date any day.
Does your child have ball skills? For most little boys (and some girls), knowing what to do with ball is a HUGE key to social acceptance. Sometimes kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders will have problems with their co-ordination/vestibular/proprioceptive senses and that creates issues with balance and body awareness. Basically, it is likely your ASD kid will have a hard time with knowing where his/her body is in space and because he/she is probably quite accustomed to being told they are very good at academic activities, will not be inclined to doing things they 'suck' at.
You can help them in two ways:
(1) Encourage them to hang out with an adult who can teach them 1:1 a crash course in a few ball sports. Practice breeds confidence. Don't just throw them in a team sport without some kind of preparation - this will make things way worse. Believe me: you don't appreciate doing things you have no idea about, nor do they.
(2) Make your "failures" public with your child. Obviously within age-appropriate reason, share with your child when you have done something that hasn't worked and how you recovered from it. Be an open book - especially with epic social failures. Let your child know that they are not alone.
While doing everything you can to encourage appropriate human social skills, we have seen children with social challenges flourish with animal companions. Dogs in particular prove to be the most faithful of friends, with no expectation of verbal reciprocity. Kids with anxiety can relax in the company of a furry friend, and experience the unconditional love (and warmth) of unbridled doggie affection. Dogs aren't always perfectly behaved and their behaviors can be used as lessons to parallel the work you are doing teaching appropriate social skills.
At Kahlon Family Services, we offer groups in the San Francisco Bay Area to children of all ages who struggle with social skills. We also have staff members who take kids into the community for 1:1 direct work on social learning. We have found that explaining life to your child as it happens is the most effective way for them to know what is going on.
We have also found that Mr Rogers set a great example by telling kids that he likes them as they are. Try telling your kids that every day - no amount of encouragement is ever wasted upon a child.
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